My son Matt was 29 years old when he took his own life. I do not know why he did this but I am shocked and horrified. I never knew he had thoughts of suicide but his friends tell me he often threatened suicide, something he never did with me. They said the last week of his life he went to a dark place and curled up in a ball and cried and then he would become angry.
I cannot believe that he did this and I have so many regrets and what ifs. I knew Matt had mental health problems but he would not go for help. One family doctor gave him meds that seemed to help, but he insisted Matt go and see a psychiatrist. When Matt did not he would no longer prescribe for him and he went into a downward spiral again. I could not convince him to go for help and there is no legal way to force him to get help.
He had so many problems; many were self inflicted: alcoholism, drug abuse, pancreatitis caused by alcohol, schizophrenia or mental degeneration caused by alcohol and drugs. He had cancer 4 years ago and was able to survive, but he never treated the alcoholism and I was vocal about it. Maybe if I had not been so critical he would still be here. I did not see him the last week of his life except out my back window. I knew he was drinking a lot when he did not come to see me.
I know I blocked him out at times because I was tired of all the excuses why he could not change and quit drinking. I believed since he was 20 that he would not make 30 if there were not some drastic changes. The last few years I built a wall to protect myself from his death because he was killing himself slowly and I just could not deal with it. In July he went into the hospital again. I was able to go visit and tell him I was sorry I had been building the wall to protect myself. I think he forgave me and we spoke more often. He always said I love you at the end of a visit or call.
I am now in such pain. I never considered he would end his life and I just keep grieving. It has been 6 weeks and I still cry every day. What could I have done?