broken heart
by cheryl
I cannot believe that he did this and I have so many regrets and what ifs. I knew Matt had mental health problems but he would not go for help. One family doctor gave him meds that seemed to help, but he insisted Matt go and see a psychiatrist. When Matt did not he would no longer prescribe for him and he went into a downward spiral again. I could not convince him to go for help and there is no legal way to force him to get help. He had so many problems; many were self inflicted: alcoholism, drug abuse, pancreatitis caused by alcohol, schizophrenia or mental degeneration caused by alcohol and drugs. He had cancer 4 years ago and was able to survive, but he never treated the alcoholism and I was vocal about it. Maybe if I had not been so critical he would still be here. I did not see him the last week of his life except out my back window. I knew he was drinking a lot when he did not come to see me. I know I blocked him out at times because I was tired of all the excuses why he could not change and quit drinking. I believed since he was 20 that he would not make 30 if there were not some drastic changes. The last few years I built a wall to protect myself from his death because he was killing himself slowly and I just could not deal with it. In July he went into the hospital again. I was able to go visit and tell him I was sorry I had been building the wall to protect myself. I think he forgave me and we spoke more often. He always said I love you at the end of a visit or call. I am now in such pain. I never considered he would end his life and I just keep grieving. It has been 6 weeks and I still cry every day. What could I have done?
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