broken heart

by cheryl

My son Matt was 29 years old when he took his own life. I do not know why he did this but I am shocked and horrified. I never knew he had thoughts of suicide but his friends tell me he often threatened suicide, something he never did with me. They said the last week of his life he went to a dark place and curled up in a ball and cried and then he would become angry.

I cannot believe that he did this and I have so many regrets and what ifs. I knew Matt had mental health problems but he would not go for help. One family doctor gave him meds that seemed to help, but he insisted Matt go and see a psychiatrist. When Matt did not he would no longer prescribe for him and he went into a downward spiral again. I could not convince him to go for help and there is no legal way to force him to get help.

He had so many problems; many were self inflicted: alcoholism, drug abuse, pancreatitis caused by alcohol, schizophrenia or mental degeneration caused by alcohol and drugs. He had cancer 4 years ago and was able to survive, but he never treated the alcoholism and I was vocal about it. Maybe if I had not been so critical he would still be here. I did not see him the last week of his life except out my back window. I knew he was drinking a lot when he did not come to see me.

I know I blocked him out at times because I was tired of all the excuses why he could not change and quit drinking. I believed since he was 20 that he would not make 30 if there were not some drastic changes. The last few years I built a wall to protect myself from his death because he was killing himself slowly and I just could not deal with it. In July he went into the hospital again. I was able to go visit and tell him I was sorry I had been building the wall to protect myself. I think he forgave me and we spoke more often. He always said I love you at the end of a visit or call.

I am now in such pain. I never considered he would end his life and I just keep grieving. It has been 6 weeks and I still cry every day. What could I have done?

Comments for broken heart

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Dec 10, 2010
I understand
by: Chris

My 37 year old son died on August 20, 2008 from an "accidental" fentanyl overdose. He suffered from mental illness and drug addiction and consequently became very ill with MRSA (staph) caused him severe pain. The hardest thing to cope with is that 8 months before this happened he was clean and he had a job. When he got sick and was hospitalized, they put him right back on drugs. I totally understand what you meant by watching your son die a slow, self inflicted death. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that this world was just too much for him and now he is in a better place. My heart truly goes out to you.

Nov 12, 2010
Feeling your Pain
by: Anonymous

I too have just lost my son to suicide on Sept 20, 2010. He was 36yrs. old, left behind 3 beautiful boys ages 16yrs. 12yrs. & 10yrs. He also left behind 4 sisters & a brother. This is the worse pain & emptiness I have ever had to deal with. I know he lives through his sons & I cherish every moment I have with them but it still does not fill the void he left in my heart.

I cry every day & every night I miss him so much. My son had a heart of gold, would do anything for anybody. I thought he was feeling better about life, thought he had come to terms that his wife wanted a divorce. He put on a good act. I know I will never be the same person I was before, people have already commented how I changed. I only pray at the end I can come out being a better person.

I heard a quote the other day it said: "Mourning is love with no place to go". How true that is. I can't tell you things will get better because I'm unsure myself about that. Just pray God gives us the strength to keep going.

Oct 26, 2010
Dear cheryl
by: Anonymous

I too, know a broken heart. My son also did the unthinkable and completed suicide a few years ago. I have been where you are with the constant tears and "why" questions, but thankfully, I am not there now. We have much to talk about should you wish to contact me at
Blessings, Gracie

Oct 22, 2010
by: Jean

Hi Cheryl,

My daughter died two weeks ago today. She appeared to have everything to live for. I now know that she had marital problems, her good job was on the line due to government cut backs, and obvious emotional turmoil. She never smoked, hardly drank alcohol and overall was very altruistic as a person. I keep asking myself why? I keep asking myself why could she not talk to me? A friend of mine said to me yesterday, your children only tell you what you want to hear at times, perhaps she has a point. Know how you feel,


Oct 22, 2010
i am thinking of you
by: kay

Dear Cheryl
I feel your heart aches for you..It has been almost 6mnths since I lost my son aged 23. I still cry most days and the nights are the hardest for me. I send to you my love and healing, I have been told the road is a long one. I believe that to be true. It feels like yesterday and I still find it hard to accept that I will never hold my son again. My thoughts are with you .....just remember you are not Kay

Oct 22, 2010
broken soul
by: Bernadina

Think of what he loved most as a child. Try to focus on that joy. He needs that. You need it. Tell him every day that you love him.
Only love can mend a broken heart. When you are up to it, seek out some charitable work you can do in his honor. This saved me.
Your son deeply regrets the terrible sadness he has left to you, and he is doing everything he can to help mend your broken heart.
There will come a time when he will be able to see beauty through your eyes. Peace sister

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