Broken Hearted

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

How many tears can fall. When does your heart stop breaking or at lease ease to bearable? Don't do this, do that, walk this way and talk this way. Everybody has opinions on who, what, where and how life should be and how you should live it. Be strong, "I'm here for You" ~ but its only on there terms and when it fits into there schedule. Hello, grief, pain, tears and the fact that your heart is breaking into a million pieces and life as you know it is spiral down into the never ending pit of pain and sorrow....
I know I'm out of control at this very moment of my typing. Someone who said "I'm here for you, be strong" has jumped out of bounds and is unreachable. They who say we want to help. But it amounts to "when the tuff get going, there out the door" or something like that.
It's after the midnight hour and again I'm awake wishing and wanting... It would have been so much easier if we both went together. But I'm not sick and that as they say is a done deal. I'm tired. I don't want to be "Strong" that everybody thinks I am. Moments like theses, 2:45am have taken me once more and pulled my heart and soul into the a place I don't want to be. It doesn't stop. I close my eyes and all I see is Billy. That smiling face I miss so much.
God why does it hurt so much. I cried a river of tears, and still it doesn't stop. I feel so lost at times that I'll never return to life. I can manage the day, but the nights, oh I miss him so much.
Everything has a marker. When he passed, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's day and now, his birthday just passed brings me to 11 months. 1 year is only a moments away. Does everything stop. Is it done? Here today and gone tomorrow? Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or I'm going. It's a never ending loop I'm stuck in. Some days are better than others, and others not so good. Especially at 3:00 in the morning. I'm a broken record playing the same thing every night, pain the same, sanity I'm beginning to question. Can you go insane because your love, your friend, your soul mate that made you hole is now gone?
I'm guessing at this point I really need to talk to someone or is this the "Norm" as far at this goes. I don't know. I'm living on my own and I have some friends. I make it through each day working, cleaning the house and doing laundry. Yippee Skippy I'm a maid...
I don't like where I am and what I've come. Only God knows...
Problem is, he's not talking. Or should I say, I don't hear him right now. I see the "Godwinks" every now and then. Maybe that's whats it suppose to be but I feel like a child and I'm ready to throw a major temper tantrum... We all know that won't work. I can't have what I want ~ Billy ~
Now I'm sure everybody is concern about my writings, feeling and the left field I'm bouncing around in but ~ I know where I am, what I'm doing I just don't like it. I'm typing to release so please bare with me if I sound like I need a rubber room. I thank this site for allowing me to rant and rave unconditionally here. This 1 year mark has brutalized me more that I can image possible. This to as I know will pass leaving me with tears again once more.
I will forever always be
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for Broken Hearted

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Jan 17, 2013
heartache
by: Joyce

I am so devastated I can hardly put my thoughts down. My son who lived with me suffered from chronic back pain and accidentally overdosed on pain medication. I went to wake him and he was gone. We were very close and I am a widow with no siblings. I have been crying and screaming for him since. Never, never have I been in such pain. I wish I could be with him since life has no meaning for me anymore. It has only been three weeks and I cannot imagine ever being able to smile or be happy again. He was my shining star and I loved him so much.Fortunately, I do have wonderful friends who are there for me. I cannot imagine it is easy for them to be around a grieving Mother. I will be going to a grief group in a couple of weeks and am hoping it will help. It does help me to read of others that are going through the same gut wrenching pain. I cannot even bear to think about the future without him. Thankyou for letting me share my grief and dispair.

May 31, 2011
oh cousin....
by: Shirley

I "know" your pain and how hard it is to cope. There are days when the pain feels like it's sucking me into a black hole and I'm afraid I am going to drown in it. Having lost my sister many years ago I've already learned how people will react. They really don't want to hear it. I'm glad you can write about your feelings here. I don't know about you but I'm starting to wonder if I need to go to a psychologist and get on medication. Grief is exhausting and I'm so darn tired all the time. I know you feel the same. Hang in there and know that my hand is there to hold yours as we walk this road through Hell together.
love you!

May 28, 2011
Lost my hushand and son all in 4 days May 2011
by: juliet

I so feel there is a future for us. I lost my husband to cancer a week ago. My 26 year old son died from an accidental OD. He just couldnt cope! BUT WE WILL! You need your friends and family. My husband and my sister and brother and friends I didnt realize cared so much are my rock. It only been a week, my sons funeral isnt till weds. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! I will survive this mentally , financially, my spiritually way. We are needed ! My support system is more worried about me then I am. I have amazing people I work with too. Get out! To hell with cleaning the house!!! BE STRONG FRIEND WE NEED EACH OTHERS SUPPORT!!!!!

May 28, 2011
broken hearted
by: Judy

Brutal is the perfect word for how the one year mark feels. You know that the loss is real, you know he's not coming back, you know you can't have what you want. People who are well meaning and were really trying to be supportive have kinda lost patience and expect you to be ok and lick your wounds in silence. Your world is haphazard, disjointed and confusing. Yes I know exactly how this feels.

You have done so many things-moved states, got a new job, developed new friends, ate dinner out alone. You have done many things I have never had the guts to do. Maybe you are rushing yourself along without realizing it. Yes you've done all the things that show you are "getting on with life" but maybe you have not moved along emotionally at the same rate. I think you're just wore out from the effort of grieving and trying to follow everyone's advice.

Grief just goes where it will go, it doesn't care if you are in Nevada or Timbucku. Grief is disinterested in everyone's advice. It will move at the rate it's going to move and you cannot will it away or be so busy it doesn't find you. Grief always wins.

Sometimes I think I was blessed by being alone here with no close family or friends to prop me up. It forced me to spend many hours, days and weeks alone to let grief wash over me, confound and confuse me, beat me up on the rocks and finally deposit me on a strange shore a different and stronger person.

Be a little selfish and self-centered and hang the consequences. We need that to put ourselves back together emotionally. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. Remember that.

If you have not been to a counselor I urge you to try it. The counselor is your advocate and no one elses. They can guide you through all this craziness and confusion.

We are here to listen and support you.

JM

May 28, 2011
Just Pain Broken
by: Anonymous

I lost my 36 yr. old son to suicide 9-20-10, I still have Father's Day to go through as he left 3 beautiful boys behind 17yrs. old 13 yrs. old & 10 yrs. old,then July 4th he loved that day he loved fireworks & BBQ's next is his Birthday in August. I have a sick husband who suffers from depression & the death of our son has increased it,we have 5 other child 3 of which are my stepchildren. I can't seem to move forward either I put on a smile for my 2 girls & my grandchildren but when they leave I fall apart,my husband is so wrapped up in his own depression & grief he is no help to me.Some one told me if you die & go to hell you will for an eternity repeat the worse things in life, I think I am in hell because everyday I live with the worse pain I ever felt.And yes people have distances them selves from me because I'm to depressing, no one calls any more, I tried to start a job & just couldn't do it, I'm not speaking the my middlestep daughter because I didn't like her comments, the sad thing is the family is falling apart, my life is falling apart. I hate it when some one tells me life is for the living or that my son wouldn't want me to act like this. How does any one know. How am I suppose to act I carried this child for nine months he was my first born & my only son , I raised him, I was the one kissed his booboos,cried with him when his heart was broken,stood by him when his first son was born. I have a lot of memories & he had a huge piece of heart. Sometimes I swear I can the wind blow through the hole in my heart because he took a chunk with him.

May 28, 2011
broken hearted
by: jules

You can rant and rave all you like on this site - that's what we are here for - unconditional understanding - we know what you are going through - we have all had these same feelings -
For me it is now 18 months - and there are days when I don't know if I can go on, but I come on here, and know that there are others so new to this rollercoaster ride, I feel that in some way this site is reaching out and helping them know that what they are feeling is "normal", or this "new normal". There are no time limits, we each grieve in different ways, for different times,
I don't think you ever "get over it" - it is a major life change, a change you did't want or ask for - the feeling of loss will be with you forever -
Just recently I have been reading some of my posts from when I first found the site, and some of the caring and compassionate answers from people I now consider to be my friends - I cried, I smiled, I realised that I have come a long way, I posted a poem (Shifting Sands), and reading that made me realise that there are still people who do not understand how devastating the loss of your love is. They expect me to be looking for someone else - no I don't think so, not ready to go there, if I ever will be.
Take care - keep coming here - and remember every day - one step, one breath
jules

May 28, 2011
broken hearted
by: Donna

Patricia,
I know how you feel, everyone saying if there is anything you need or anything I can do, and then their gone. The only time I ever see or talk to any of our so called friends is when I go to the store. And then its how are things going or how are you doing?, not really meaning either just trying to be polite I guess. Not one person came by the house or called to see how everyone is doing after the funeral not one. And those well meaning "friends" please just keep your comments to yourself, I don't need your advice. The only people who truly know what I am going thru are my daughters and the people here. I have found that no one else matters anymore and all those "friends" were just really only acquaintances. I also never knew that a person could have so many tears, but I know that I too have cried at least a river, I think I'm working on a sea now.I don't know if it will ever stop, but I hope in time (how I hate that phrase) that it will, or at least will lessen, because I don't know how many more tears that I have left. So I go one step, one breath, one day at a time Bryan I love you until we meet again

May 28, 2011
Brokenhearted
by: judith in California

Pat, the best word you used was "brutalized" . That's how I feel too. I thought I was going along nicely but the last 3 days It's been crying and almost back to square one with me asking the same "why couldn't we both have gone together" or "I want him back". I even question if the Doctor gave him meds to kill him because he seemed okay an hour before he died. All that is making me crazy again. I had a dream about him that had me crying when i woke up and continued until noon and then on and off all day. My sister called and I wanted to talk about it but she intentionally changed the subject and that pissed me off. I'll remember that when her husband passes. Two of my 3 sisters are like that. Only 1 talks to me and understands. I too hate this horribly lonely life . Wish I could have a do over.
Billy was lucky to have you.

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