My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together
How many tears can fall. When does your heart stop breaking or at lease ease to bearable? Don't do this, do that, walk this way and talk this way. Everybody has opinions on who, what, where and how life should be and how you should live it. Be strong, "I'm here for You" ~ but its only on there terms and when it fits into there schedule. Hello, grief, pain, tears and the fact that your heart is breaking into a million pieces and life as you know it is spiral down into the never ending pit of pain and sorrow....
I know I'm out of control at this very moment of my typing. Someone who said "I'm here for you, be strong" has jumped out of bounds and is unreachable. They who say we want to help. But it amounts to "when the tuff get going, there out the door" or something like that.
It's after the midnight hour and again I'm awake wishing and wanting... It would have been so much easier if we both went together. But I'm not sick and that as they say is a done deal. I'm tired. I don't want to be "Strong" that everybody thinks I am. Moments like theses, 2:45am have taken me once more and pulled my heart and soul into the a place I don't want to be. It doesn't stop. I close my eyes and all I see is Billy. That smiling face I miss so much.
God why does it hurt so much. I cried a river of tears, and still it doesn't stop. I feel so lost at times that I'll never return to life. I can manage the day, but the nights, oh I miss him so much.
Everything has a marker. When he passed, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's day and now, his birthday just passed brings me to 11 months. 1 year is only a moments away. Does everything stop. Is it done? Here today and gone tomorrow? Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or I'm going. It's a never ending loop I'm stuck in. Some days are better than others, and others not so good. Especially at 3:00 in the morning. I'm a broken record playing the same thing every night, pain the same, sanity I'm beginning to question. Can you go insane because your love, your friend, your soul mate that made you hole is now gone?
I'm guessing at this point I really need to talk to someone or is this the "Norm" as far at this goes. I don't know. I'm living on my own and I have some friends. I make it through each day working, cleaning the house and doing laundry. Yippee Skippy I'm a maid...
I don't like where I am and what I've come. Only God knows...
Problem is, he's not talking. Or should I say, I don't hear him right now. I see the "Godwinks" every now and then. Maybe that's whats it suppose to be but I feel like a child and I'm ready to throw a major temper tantrum... We all know that won't work. I can't have what I want ~ Billy ~
Now I'm sure everybody is concern about my writings, feeling and the left field I'm bouncing around in but ~ I know where I am, what I'm doing I just don't like it. I'm typing to release so please bare with me if I sound like I need a rubber room. I thank this site for allowing me to rant and rave unconditionally here. This 1 year mark has brutalized me more that I can image possible. This to as I know will pass leaving me with tears again once more.
I will forever always be
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~