Broken spirit in Missouri

by Suzy

Just received the prognosis of less than 2 weeks to live for my younger brother. He has been fighting melanoma mets for over a year. My husband passed 18 months ago after fighting kidney cancer with mets. He was unable to care for himself for 2 years. During that time our daughter developed breast cancer and passed 2 months after he went. My best friend also passed suddenly one week before my husband passed. I know I have to put on my big girl face and go to the hospital and be supportive. I am so broken by the wrongness of my brother going before me. He is so very special and has always been there for our family. My heart is breaking all over again. I know it isn't about me. I can't stop crying and shaking. So ashamed of being so weak. I am all prayed out! I am not angry just broken.

Comments for Broken spirit in Missouri

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Feb 09, 2013
Broken spirit in Missouri
by: Doreen U.K.

Suzy I am sorry for this latest tragedy of going to lose your brother. Also the loss of your husband and daughter, and best friend. You are not meant to be strong and brave. You are human and you HURT. Give yourself permission to think about YOU and what all this death and loss is doing to you. All these loved ones carry the cancer and suffer but it is a family cancer. WE wives, mothers, and sibling's suffer also.
My husband of 44yrs. died 10 months ago of a rare and aggressive lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. My Steve suffered a lot of pain and he died a slow death over 3yrs. when I nursed him and saw his sad face knowing he was going to die and didn't want to. It is a very painful place to be. You have my greatest sympathy and empathy. I still feel in a state of sorrow and hurt. I get by each day being busy. But when all the busyness stops I will probably feel the loss more. The worst pain is being ALONE. Eating ALONE. Sleeping ALONE. Shopping ALONE. Trying to do all the Male jobs around the house and being ripped off by tradesmen. None of us could imagine what we would have to go through losing our loved one's. I have 5 siblings and I worry about losing any of them. Death makes one vulnerable and worry about losing more people from our lives. Who actually wants to live like this. NONE OF US. But since we have to we can only live one day at a time. No use worrying about the future. It may be Kind or CRUEL. Our Spirit's are truly broken. Only God can put us back together again. But it is a slow process. I am so calm it worries and scares me. Not unless it is God who is carrying me through this grief and sorrow so I don't feel the pain so badly. Life feels so Unreal and false. Like such an immense Loss that if I felt the full impact it would kill me unless God was holding me.
I hope you go on to find Comfort and Peace in your grief and sorrow. I hope that life is kind to you and that you do have good family and friends left who will support you and give you the time and care you need now and ongoing. When we lose our husband we are forced into thinking of ourselves for the first time. WHAT ABOUT ME. It is not wrong to do this so don't feel guilty. It is part of our humanity, it is not done out of self centredness. We are forced into thinking of how we will go on in life ALONE.

Feb 07, 2013
Dear Suzy,
by: Pat

My dear Suzy, You have endured more than your share of loss. You are not weak. You are far stronger than you realize. I have been feeling broken too. I am in Missouri right here with you. After dealing with losing my brother and father, then I had to go through it all again with my fiance. I don't have any answers, but now, 18 months later, I think I am getting stronger through all of this. I think what you are going through is called anticipatory grief. I had it too. My fiance was seriously ill for 10 weeks and was on the ventilator twice. I watched him struggling just to breathe for weeks. He fought hard and was finally discharged from the hospital and went to a rehab center to help him rebuild his strength. It was good to see him improving, but in the back of my mind, I kept feeling that he was not going to make it. His progress in rehab was poor. He never seemed to regain that fighting spirit. Nine days later and only able to stand for 45 seconds, he died. Someone once said "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger." As women, we know that we are the stronger sex, emotionally. Be gentle with yourself, but just let the grief happen. Cry it all out, let it happen. It's like a festering wound. Drain the infection and it will heal. The death of loved ones is probably the most
difficult thing we will ever endure. I keep telling myself that since I lost 3 in 5 months, I hope I am done with this for awhile. No one else is supposed to die on me! The thing is that it is not our choice. Death happens all around us everyday. It helps me to see life as an eternity. The body is just the clothing for the spirit. When the body dies, the spirit is still alive and well. It is the physical presence that we miss, but believe me, our loved ones are right here with us. When my fiance died, I saw angels come for him. It was very real. Now, I know he is with those angels and no longer struggling. In time, we will all make peace with this one day. I know you are hurting and watching your brother die is really tough, but know that he will be wrapped in the arms of angels soon. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes out so it won't boil up inside and fester later. You will survive all of this. Bless you, Suzy. I send you many hugs.

Feb 07, 2013
Suzy - your God is with you
by: Nancy

I know that you said that you are all prayed out...We all feel that way at times in our lives. I will never say that I know what you are going through because even though I have had my challenges they are not yours...Your God loves you and cares for you ... and His love is unconditional and if you look around you ..I am sure there are people in your life who are praying on your behalf.
It is hard in times like these to think that we will ever be strong again but You will learn so much about yourself in due time.. Right now just take this time to take care of yourself..and if you do have people who are willing to help, let them. Let them, cook for you, clean for you, shop for you, and even pray for you. We are all meant to be in community. We are not meant to do hard time by trying to walk through these hard times alone. Share with those around just how truly broken you feel and let them nurture you back to health. You are God's temple..and He would like nothing more than to be able to use share with the rest of the world..How you were once broken...but now you are whole again...I do not know what your beliefs are but my God knows all about me..and He knows how I need to cry when the world around me is falling apart..or when I need to cry when I feel lost and all alone..He allows me to cuddle up to Him and rest my head on His shoulder and He whispers that He loves me..and I stay there until I feel like I am ready to take on the world again...I hope that for you...Nancy

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