Broken

by Donna
(Kansa)

My Baby 2 days before he died

My Baby 2 days before he died

I lost my soulmate May 17 2011. For some reason I expected to be over it by now. I have lots of days where I don't get dressed or leave the house. I have family and they are very understanding and want to help, but they are also very busy. I don't know how to tell them that life isn't worth living anymore. Even though I have "good days" they are still so painful I want to scream. I understand why people used to cry and scream and pull their hair out and wear sackcloth and everything, because physical pain is so much easier to bear than the canon ball hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I don't know how to go on without my best friend. We were a team and we were supposed to have forever. He was only 58 when the cancer took him. He was diagnosed 9 months before and I was so shocked. He was always so healthy and active and I was the one in failing health. Now apparently I'm cured and he's dead. How can that be. It was supposed to be me who went first and I just can't cope with this new reality. Baby I miss you so much. Please come home.

Comments for Broken

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Dec 15, 2011
Time will bring brighter days
by: Anonymous

Hi Donna, I am so sorry to hear of your grief and I understand very well what you are going through. It has been 15 months since I lost my husband of 18 years and he was my best friend for 15 years before we married.
It almost feels like I'm walking around with half of my body chopped off and trying to smile and tell the rest of the world "I'm fine, just fine, thank you". As if there is anything fine about being chopped in half. We know that most people have no clue as to what we are going through, so we behave in a polite, civilized manner.
I think for me, the worse part was at 8 months to a year. I now realize I was in a state of shock those first six months and like you, I was thinking I should be over this any day now. I look back now, in disbelief, and can't imagine how I got through what I did. I never realized I could be this devastated from anything. SURPRISE..
Even now, I stay home for days or weeks without going out. The pain has lessened a lot, but I work from home, so there is nothing pressing me to get me out. I am mostly over the part of wanting to cry in the grocery store when I try to shop for one, or tearing up when every song from our past comes on. I just haven't gotten to the point of wanting to rebuild or start over. I guess I'm in maintaining mode now and learning to take care of things at home or having it done.
My wedding band stays on, to avoid rejecting anyone and going through the stories of why not. We use to joke about dating again, if something happened to one of us. Then we would laugh at the thought of having to go through the training process all over again with somebody new. I guess we were just happy and had all the kinks worked out.
Time heals all wounds, even these, eventually. And when it does, you will know it and be able to think clearly of who you are and what you want for your life. You may see that you already have what you need and just need to relearn how to utilize it. It doesn't have to come to you in that first year, but it will be there when you are ready for it. Take your time to heal fully and completely, then you can choose what you want in your life and not what you think you need, trying to fill that void. Nothing can fill that void if it's not from within and only time will bring it out.
Wishing you brighter days ahead, they WILL come,
Marilyn

Dec 14, 2011
You Aren't alone.
by: Donna

I miss the companionship too. I have my sister and her boys living with me now, but it's not the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I don't think of him every minute of the day now, which is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I can even remember him without all the tears. I know life goes on, and I'm going on with it, but it will never be the life we had......

Dec 14, 2011
You aren't alone!
by: Just like you....

Lost my wife\best friend\other half on Aug 3, 2011. I'm now at that point that I realize nothing will be the same, and not sure which way to turn....It sucks! Kathy fought lymphoma-it took her life, but never her essence. She was my rock, my center, and I never thought this would be the way my life turned. I miss so much, but mostly, companionship.
I am learning to slow my life. Appreciate the good, and hold the bad at a distance. I strive each day to be thankful.
It can be daunting. I hope to be up to the task.
God Bless you, and guide you. The one thing I keep in mind is advice a good friend gave me...."God will never give you more than you can carry......"

Dec 13, 2011
God Bless You Broken
by: Anonymous

God bless you Broken you will build yourself again in a beautiful new way with your love inside of you. You will be bold and beautiful, full of grace and wisdom. You will recognize a depth of love for others that you have never known and part of your loves gift for you is that ability to love others harder and with more power than you have ever been able to before.

Dec 12, 2011
Broken
by: Donna

Thank you so much for responding. It does help to hear from other people who are going through it also. It's so hard to figure out how to make a new life without them. It's good to know it's possible.

Dec 11, 2011
Broken
by: M Mack

Donna,

At only 7 months you are still on the roller coaster of grief. You must give yourself time to adjust, go through the grieving process as slowly as you need to. You loved deeply and 7 months is nothing compared to the time invested in knowing the love of a soulmate. It has been 15 months since my love passed away. The first few months I was numb and by 6 months I had a very terrible longing in my heart to see him and have him back. I really couldn't function without having a meltdown every day. Memories everywhere and my longing for him greater. I prayed for peace within my heart and called upon my faith for strength. This site has provided hope for me to know many have gone down this very same path. I read whatever I could get my hands on about the afterlife. Everyone on this site will tell you to take one breath, one step, one day at a time. It's like climbing a wall, scratching to find the place you are left to be in that is not as painful.
Go through some of these blogs even the older ones. You will see how many of us are growing in strength day by day. Your love is with you in spirit and wants you to remember him without falling apart. He sees how much pain you're in and even though he was called home, he worries about you. So give yourself the time to heal. Try grief counseling and remember, we are always here to listen.

Dec 11, 2011
BROKEN
by: Rebecca

Dear Donna,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on July 31, 2011. What's really kind of strange is that your husband looked very similar to mine. I don't really have any pic to send you as most of our belongings were lost in storage. I believe he received improper care through the VA. The song you put in your story is from the movie ghost. One of our favorite movies, which we watched together many times. It really sounds like we have a lot in common and can perhaps be of help to each other. Please feel free to email me.

bopsangels@live.com

Dec 10, 2011
Always will be
by: Judith

My dear Donna, don't expect your grief to go away so soon.. It's only been 8 months. You still have a road or two to go on your journey to acceptance and peace. It's been a year and 3 months for me and I'm still having my moments. I am guessing we never get over it but just slide into acceptance and move on one day at a time until we are more at peace . But there will always be that grief corner that will make us cry when something comes up to remind us of them , A song,a movie or a dream.
We just will be sad behind our laughter. The reason being is that we still are in love with them. They didn't break up with us and end our lives together. They passed away and left us holding our love for them in our hearts and we can't just throw it away.

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