Broken

by John
(Canada)

I lost my mom last year on June 23, 2011. She went into the hospital for surgery the beginning of June to remove a spot on her lung. ( they just happen to find it in a scan after she had phenomena a year prior) She was fine, no problems just scared. So they went in and removed part of the lung that happened to be cancer. She made it out of the surgery, was up walking and doing fantastic. Day 3 she was getting off the iv and other things and then her O2 starting to drop. Long story short, she started getting worse, eventually ended up in intensive care, where they eventually had to intubate her and just went down from there. The hard part of it all...she was cancer free. it was caught so early that it didn't spread. It was hard watching her go through it. Especially the day I went in and could see she was upset and had a tear running down her face...that moment is etched in my mind and breaks my heart!

I was 37, no kids and my mom was a very big part of my life. She was probably more like my friend than my mom who I fought with, laughed with and drove each other crazy. I lost my dad coming up 10 years prior which was very difficult to deal with. He passed at home with us caring for him...he was 54. My mom was 69. My dad was my moms soul mate...I am trying to find peace that they are together but I don't. I am so beyond devastated that she's gone I can barely breathe most days. I tried the doctor and anti-depressants but it didn't really do much for me. I have 3 older sisters that haven't made things very easy through this. I even said prior to my mom passing that "OMG if she ever left me, look who she would leave me with" and here I am. All my aunts, uncles and grandparents have passed as well. I had a big family at one point and I am sitting here at 38 with almost no one left. I am trying to focus on the people that have it worse than me. I know people have lost more, been through more and have dealt with harder issues but it doesn't seem to be working right now. I am still in a state of shock over it and I can't get use to her being gone...I really feel the universe made a huge mistake and it will correct itself somehow (I know this isn't gonna happen) but it's how I feel. I just don't know how to live without my mom!...it's a lot to take being my only parent left! I am waiting for the day I can take that deep breath again!

Comments for Broken

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Mar 16, 2013
Still Broken
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Anonymous,
I am glad to hear you are going to counselling. You say you don't know if it will work? It will work if you get the right counsellor for you. If you are not moving forward then you need to find another counsellor. IT DOES WORK!. best experience of my life. I got my life back in ways that I had never lived or known happiness. I related better as a result so that my daily interaction with everyone changed to the point that they also would have been healed by how I expressed myself. I also lost my overly sensitive nature. Often even in a marriage when people can't communicate and then a quarrel breaks out and one partner becomes silent and fearful of saying the wrong thing in case it sparks more problems. This can be resolved with the correct counselling. When you heal from your issues you will emerge a different person. Your whole world will change for the better. If it doesn't work and you don't feel better or move forward. Try another counsellor until it does work. You won't know what life you are missing out on till you try counselling. IT HURTS. IT IS EXPENSIVE. But the best investment in your future.
Best wishes.

Mar 15, 2013
Broken
by: John

I am sorry to hear of all your losses as well. Even though we feel like we are the only ones experiencing this heartache...it's all too common. It's been a year and a half and I am still waiting for the horrible ache to stop...I am still in a state that I find it so hard to believe she's not here...it's a feeling I can't get use too. I miss her so desperately. I am tired of feeling this way....sad/alone and still broken.

Oct 22, 2012
Don't rush it
by: Anonymous

Sandra, don't listen to that...I don't care how old you are or how old your mom was, your mom is your mom. My dad was 54 when he passed and my mom was 69...when the time comes, you will move on. I wish I had more time with my parents. When your ready, you will be able to be thankful for your time. I am not ready for it yet either. We had a neighbor across the street who had 2 kids mine and my sisters age...The mother had cancer and was moved to a hospice. While in the hospice the dad took ill and ended up in the hospital where the mom ended up passing...2 weeks later their dad passed away...they lost both parent in 2 weeks. How horrible! So one day I will be grateful and remember that there is always someone out there that is worse off than we are...but when your not ready, it doesn't matter. It's our grief Sandra, and when the time is right, we will be able to see the light...Don't rush it, it could be years as hard as that is to hear...I'm at almost a year and a half and I don't feel any better. Somedays I feel I go back to the very day it happened. It's awful. I am so sorry that you lost your mom too...to me, it's pretty close to loosing a child....there is no other love like what you get from your mom...even at my age my mom still mothered me like crazy!!!

Oct 22, 2012
Still Broken
by: Anonymous

I wish I had some advise to give...I am still struggling! My mom was more than just my mom...she was my friend, sister...we argued and fought all the time...I wish now we didn't but that's just how we were. I talked to her almost every day and ended the conversation with "I love you" so I have no regrets...I just wish she was still here. But for me it brings back my dads passing, all my aunts and uncles. I watched my dad, 2 aunts and both grandmothers take their last breath. It's hard going through your home (well I still call it home) where she kept everything. I found a pieces of paper that had my dads writing on it and her little note on it, "call me crazy, but I had to keep it" So finding all these sentimental things sure didn't help me. I went from a very large family to almost no one. I currently am only talking to 1 of 3 sisters. I didn't realize that some people just thrive on drama and I just don't have that personality. I have to walk away... especially if I am trying to heal myself. I am trying counseling on Tuesday...not sure how it will go but I hope it helps. I read som where that the stages of grief are actually not accurate, there are no rules and it can take years to move on (wasn't something I wanted to hear) but was also kind of glad to hear that I wasn't crazy....it's grief and it is what it is until it run's it's course. I don't think there is much advise out there for us, I wish there was. Being in a better place or that my parents are together never helped me...they are not here and that's all I think about. I miss them so desperately I sometimes don't think I will come out of it...but then you get a brake where you can smile for a day....I just hope that it happens more often...I am sorry to hear of all your loses...

Oct 22, 2012
so sorry...
by: Sandra

I lost my mom on her 84th birthday on August 9, 2011 to a battle with terminal cancer. It was the biggest loss of my life and I am still so heartbroken over it. Everyone keeps telling me to get over it as it has been over a year, and that it would be worse to lose a child. Wow, how insensitive! I too am so alone without my mom. Even though I have others in my life, nothing can take the place of my mom. I have never felt such a lonliness since the day she passed. I hope your grief will start to ease up soon so that you can get on with your life even though it will never be the same.

Sandra

Sep 02, 2012
Hope you are feeling better
by: Doreen U.K.

Janine I read your post to John asking him for feedback since you seem to be struggling with the loss of your mom. I am a mother to 3 Adult children. I can assure you that whatever arguments moms have with their children they are forgiven over and over again. What mom could hold an argument against her children. She would have to be hard hearted and Your mom was definately not like this. Don't feel guilty. Your mom is at peace now and you are the one who is struggling with the regrets. We all have regrets. I know it is very hard to let go of the pain of what happened. Only you can feel your anguish. You need to forgive yourself. Life happens. You say that your brother and you are not close anymore. The fractures in a family show up more after a loss of a loved one. Families are torn apart and tear each other apart. I am beginning to think that this is normal since it seems to happen more and more. Your loss is recent and you will probably be feeling Lost, Lonely, Empty without having your mom with you still. I lost my husband to cancer 4 months ago and I feel raw grief most days. I am still struggling to sort things out before the winter arrives. The days are drawing in now and it is getting darker earlier and this is the time I hate being alone in the longer dark nights. I was married 44yrs. The loss of my husband is the worst loss I have ever experienced. I just take one day at a time. Hoping each day will be a day nearer me not feeling so hurt by my loss. I lost my mom 9 years ago. I didn't get to see her at all for some time and she died all alone of a heart attack. She didn't want to call anyone and so could have been saved from heart damage. She was 77yrs. Still a good age and so her death was more acceptable. She lived alone and she had a lonely life. I am happy she is spared this. We got to the hospital too late and she had already passed away. this was very painfull for me. Due to my mother's age and her circumstances my grief was not as bad as it is for my husband who was 65yrs. And didn't get to enjoy his retirement. He died too soon. His cancer was caused by working with asbestos. he had a slow painfull death with me being his caregiver and having to see him deteriorate each day. Janine take one day at a time. You can even try a bereavement counsellor to assist you in your grief. do whatever makes you comfortable in your grief. Don't suffer alone.

Sep 02, 2012
HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER
by: Janine

Oh John, I feel for you so much. I lost my mom less than a month ago, and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am single with a son and lost his dad 10 years ago. My mom was my rock and unfortunately I had a major argument with mom three months before and we were not speaking and she used to phone and speak to my son, I think also her way of speaking to me. But it was awful and I would wait for her to speak to me as I really hurt her and the next thing I was summonsed to her bedside where she was dying from a blood clot that had lodged it self in her leg. I am so hurt and feel I cannot get through this. How are you doing. Can you give me any feedback as to how you have been dealing with it. My brother is also not an emotional person like me and I dont think we are close at all anymore.

Sep 02, 2012
from vietnam
by: Anonymous

your feeling and your case are the same as me.i feel so all alone now

Sep 01, 2012
BROKEN
by: Doreen U.K.

John I am sorry for your loss of your mom. It is a very hard place for you to be. After the funeral everyone goes their own ways and I am finding that we all feel the same way. ALL ALONE. It seems to be a well established pattern almost like it is meant to be this way. People you think would be around you forever seem to disppear and not know you anymore. This is what many of us feel. I am sorry that your sisters are not being supportive. A death can bring families together or blow the family apart. As I am finding. for us it has blown us apart more. But I AM BLESSED to have my 3 sisters and 2 brother-in-laws very supportive and here for me. I would be devastated without this support. John don't make the mistake of thinking of other people having worse problems than you and feeling you shouldn't be feeling the way you do. STOP THAT THINKING RIGHT NOW!!!. You have a right to your feelings of GRIEF. You also have a right to express these feelings also. You have lost your mother. Everyone has a right to their Grief over whatever their Loss. Even if it is a minor loss it is important to them and is affecting their life and happiness and they have a right to receive support for this. If you do not have family support then find yourself a grief counsellor, who is fully trained to support families in grief to assist and help them move forward and into a better frame of mind so the pain will be less. Some of us can be so grief stricken that Grief almost swallows us up and we just can't go on. Don't feel guilty. Just do this for yourself. Your world will change and you will start to see things differently and be able to take on each new day better. I did this years ago. I got my life back and I haven't looked back at all my depression and sorrow. It all evaporated in counselling. I wish you better days ahead and supportive family and friends.

Sep 01, 2012
I understand completely
by: Mary

I understand more than you know. What an awesome woman your mom must have been -- I can tell from your words and how much you miss her. I am in a very similar situation - she died 4 weeks ago. Surgery for ovarian cancer, but never made it out of the hospital. She died 10 days after surgery. I don't know how I will live the rest of my life without her. But I know she was tough as nails and so I will be too.

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