My son is dead he had just turned 6,my wife is as well, they were taken from me, unfairly, in a car accident.

I sit in a hospital ward watching my little girl, broken, in unimaginable pain, misery fills her beautiful brown eyes. She couldn't speak but i could see her searching for her mum, I had to tell her she had died, i had to tell her her baby brother had died. The social worker told me I had to be sure that she understood, I had to ask her and tell her again the next day.

My life is over. I am broken. I will never be the person I was, he is now a stranger to me. Nothing will ever be able to fill the void that has been left. I don't want to feel anything but pain, loss, suffering, sadness.

I still have my two girls that I must care for, but I don't know how I will be able to offer them a good life.

The image of what happened to my babies haunts me, the thought of the pain inflicted on my baby boy drives me insane, he was revived, his spleen was removed to stop the internal bleeding so they could rush him to get his head operated on, they scanned his head, they sat me in a little room and told me there was nothing that could be done, they told me his brain was so swollen that if they opened his skull it would ooze out. I still don't know what injuries my wife died from.

You will never understand my pain, you cannot. I have had my share of loss in my life, I know pain and grief, I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 18 and my sister to the same killer when I was 32, we were close, I loved them both very much, but losing them, that pain, doesn't even come close to what has happened now. I wasn't broken then, I was still the same person. I just want my family back.

Everything reminds me of my little boy, everything. I feel guilty because I think of my son more then my wife. I loved her completely, I felt as though we were two parts of the same person, there was nothing her smile could not fix, that is all I needed to see to know everything was ok. I still go to txt or ring her, to let her know what has happened with Felicity during the day.

They are both back home, waiting at the funeral home, I still need to have the funeral, I haven't been able to, I am still sitting with my baby girl, she is 9, she had her little head crushed as well, both wrists broken, and her leg is broken in two places, her foot and hand also have broken bones. The doctors told me that she was on a knifes edge when she came in, she has just reactley started to talk again, but it is mostly just telling us to stop, that she is in pain, that her legs hurt.

Comments for Broken

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Nov 30, 2013
Hold on
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your loss ... Put your faith in GOD ... He will carry you through ... I lost my best friend of nearly 20 years .. Her boyfriend killed her due to her wanting to break up with him ... I was the last person to see her and spend time with the both of them .. The next day .. I get a phone call ... Saying she pasted away at 35 ... I was in shock .. I had just hung out with her ... It was so unreal ... My life changed ... So tragic .. The pain still remains after 10 years .. Seems like yesterday .... I believe it never goes away but we all heal from day to day and eventually just move on .. But never forget the pain .... EVER ... Period ! I love GOD ... My faith was shaken as well .. But I know that god was going to see me through all my pain and sorrow and etc ... We have to learn not to be mad at GOD for he has so much more in store for us ... God has so much love ... For us All .. I do believe we all must Leave this world ... We grieve so bad for people we loved .. But n reality they are in a better place ... Then us .. We are liven the nightmare after they r gone .. They have. No more pain or sorrows but we can't accept it cause we human ... I learned to try to live my life to the fullest not saying It doesn't hurt like he'll losing the ones you love ... We have to live on ... Move on ... The ones who are gone .. Wouldn't want us to stop or be miserable cause they gone .. But to try to live for ourselves .. I died when my best friend died ... A part of me died with her but I try every day to keep moving regardless ... It's not going to bring her back ... If I stop .. So hold on ... Take one day at a time .. Live ... Move on ... Even if you have to take baby steps ... Proceed ... Pray ... And hold on to gods unchanging hands .. We never get over it but eventually we all move forward to whatever the future holds ! God bless all of Us ..

Oct 30, 2013
bless your heart
by: jean in texas

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Go with the grief. Cry when you feel like crying. Get angry. Pray. Keep your family and friends close. They are precious and priceless. They will help you through . They love you. Treasure the moment when you realize you've laughed again. Take care of yourself. Be kind to you. I've lost both parents, my husband, my two best friends in the past three years. Loss is devastating. Grief unimaginable. Just know that others who've walked the same path understand. You will get through this. You will... God bless you and yours.

Oct 07, 2013
broken--to K
by: Anonymous--MI

to K---you are so right that people who post on this site do 'get it'. SO many people who are only trying to be kind to us and give us advice on how to go on with our lives DO NOT GET IT! Until THEY experience the loss of a dear loved, they cannot understand how we feel. I am so sorry for all who grieve.

Oct 06, 2013
So sorry
by: K

I just read your post, and I want to say how very sorry I am. I have also suffered multiple losses.

There are no words I can say that will make you feel better, but just know that somewhere out there, there are people in similar situations. Sometimes life is not very fair. And it is hard to see everyone go on and take their families for granted when you feel so alone.

I will pray for you in your time of loss...and for the recovery of your daughters.

Please keep reaching out here...there's at least one other person who gets it.

Oct 02, 2013
by: Anonymous

After reading your post, I know there are no words that I can write that will seem meaningful. Grief, sorrow, anger, fear, desperation....the list of emotions is endless. I am on my own journey of healing, after losing my father suddenly in January. I am praying for you and your family, and I hope you can begin to heal and find some peace. Barb

Oct 01, 2013
by: Anonymous--Mi

To say that 'I'm sorry' to you just seems like hollow words right now. I truly wish for peace and comfort to come to you and your daughters in a way that will hold you up and sustain you in this sad journey you have been thrown into. I lost my wonderful husband 10 months ago to SCA--no chance to say good-bye or tell him again how I love him--it all came crashing down and buried me and my children in sorrow. I was angry with God and questioned Him as to how He could take a good man away from us. I have great faith in God and trust Him to lead me out of this dark valley into some kind of light and a bit of joy even, but still the sad anger comes back at times. But, I do know that He is a God of love and He makes no mistakes. This is a world full of sorrow and we will all suffer here on earth in some way. It is we who remain faithful and trust in God to give us eternal life where we will see the face of Jesus and live in everlasting happiness as we are reunited with our loved ones. I pray for you and all who post on this site.

Oct 01, 2013
a life sentence
by: Lily

Dear Broken:

I have read your story and I am so sorry that you have to be amongst in what i call the "living dead" I too lost my 21 year old son very tragically a year ago and the pain is still as sharp as the day I found out my son had died. I have been able to go about my days more energetically but life for me will never be the same as it will never be the same for you either. I too do not understand or know why this had to happen, my faith was shaken to the core. I never turned from God but I was very angry and still am at times. The waves of grief come and go and some day you feel ok and some days your back to square one. When i tell "regular" people this is a life sentence for me, for something i did not do they can't seem to understand, but I know you do and very well....when i tell "regular" people one of the worst fates is to lose a child, they still can't seem to grasp what it really feels like, they will just say "I can't imagine" and to them I say "no you cannot possible fathom it" I have chosen to endure what has happened because I do still have another 13 year old boy and a husband. The choice is an easy one, but whichever choice you make its the hard work that comes along with it. I can tell you my life has never been an easy one at all at 21 I lost my mother to a viscous cancer, both my in-laws to alzheimer's; a sister in law to alzheimer's (all of whom i took care of) I am only 41 years old and praying for life to move as quickly as possible. I will hope that you are able to endure this suffering and know that you are never alone in this journey.

Oct 01, 2013
by: Jolynn

I'm so sorry your Felicity is so uncomfortable. The vomiting could be from the pain meds and they can give her something to stop the nausea. Hospitals are awful place to be and scary and disorienting for a child. Nurses are waking you early to get vitals and it's hard to rest fully. On top of her injuries she is missing and grieving her mom. Can you have a grief counselor brought in to see her? Can u bring in something familiar from home that she can sleep with? When our children are in pain we suffer terribly. I think getting her mended and home asap will be your aim. Do you read to her? That might calm her and act like a sort of meditation to calm and distract her. Does she like milkshakes? Maybe ask if she can have a treat brought in. The nurses need to know simply for intake and outtake purposes.(a record of how much she's eating and voiding). What about bringing in music? Having friends visit?(not sure if she's up for that yet) she needs to rest. I hope the next few days get better for her. You 3 will be in my thoughts.

Sep 30, 2013
by: Broken

The pain and suffering just continues. Felicity had a bad night, she vomited in at around 1:30 am, I am so glad that I am sleeping in her room as there was no nurse around and I am scared she would have chocked on her own vomit, I can't believe after all she has been though and all that has been done to save her that this is now a possibility. I have told the nurse that she cannot be left alone.

She is very upset this morning, she hates being here, she is saying that she wants to go home and started calling for her mommy. She is developing a fear of the nursing staff, I suppose that she knows that they are the ones that make her uncomfortable, that move her and wake her up to check her.

Today is a bad day for me, I am feeling crushed, I can't seem to do anything to comfort my baby girl, I want to call for her mum as well, she would know what to do.

I imagine what it would be like if she was here with my little boy, she was a great mum, she would be the best one to care for Felicity. I would most likely just be keeping Samuel entertained and out of trouble. That image just seems wonderful to me now, strange how much your perspective on life can change.

Felicity did however offer me some reprieve, she saw the pain and sadness in my face and told me that it was not allowed, that I needed to be happy, I get the feeling she is looking after me as much as I am looking after her.

Sep 30, 2013
by: Doreen UK

Broken don't focus on your faith right now and this battle going on. This is normal. I prayed for healing for my husband's 3yrs. battle with terminal cancer. I was like a desperate woman sending out for prayer all over America and the world on the God Channel. My husband died 16 months ago and I was so angry with God. I didn't want to be. But this was part of my grief. My Faith has been restored by God. God knows our heart and what we are going through. He is with us in it even if it doesn't feel like it. When Jesus went to the cross to die for us so we can have eternal life. God wanted to rescue his son Jesus. But HE DIDN'T. God's love for us was so strong He let his Son Die. He gave him up. How God's heart must have ached.
Don't beat yourself up trying to feel you should be great-full for the 20yrs. you had with your wife and 6yrs. with your son. It is human nature to want more. It is human nature to want to have a long and happy life. We are given life as a gift and not meant to think of death. When it comes it assaults us to our core. IT HURTS like no other pain can. Healing is so slow. But this is how God works. Nurture YOURSELF. By doing good things for yourself each day. Build on this. You will start feeling better. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to feel sad and angry and upset for a long time. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it. There is no such thing as OVER IT. You will feel this loss FOREVER. Your family were part of your life. But in the months and years ahead you will heal from your loss and won't feel this awful grief pain like you do now. It will feel different. You will get your life back, and you will be stronger in yourself. But for today this is all we have. I spent days doing nothing. This is how I nurtured myself. Doing what I needed. I then took one or two jobs a day. Some days I couldn't do it. But I am stronger for having nurtured myself back from grief. Family are good and can only offer so much support. But there are things we can do to help ourselves and one of them is the NURTURING. (treating yourself with love and respect and loving yourself back from the pain). Best wishes. Write back if you need to.

Sep 29, 2013
by: Jolynn

You say the nurses say you are strong, they should know better. That's one of those things u are not to say to a bereft person. You are in shock, your body has shut down in an effort to prevent you from taking too much in at once. Your brain would be overwhelmed if you did not have the protection, the grace of dumbness shock and some denial. It's actually a protective mechanism. My faith has been broken too We simply DO NOT KNOW if there is a GOD nobody on this earth can possibly know this. I had some odd things happen after my son died, I believe there are spiritual things we hav't quite figured out yet Maybe even scientific, we could live in a multiverse, then there are copies of us in dimensions we cannot see. I think of it this way. We are spirits and electricity and have souls. We are like TV sets, we receive energy, our spirits thru our bodies. When alive, we are operating on a certain transmission, when we pass, just like a worn out TV, it doesn't mean the TV waves are no longer there it's just that the unit cannot access it any longer. Your dear wife and son may be closer than you know. Maybe they can hear you we simply do not know these things YEt. I write to my son. Maybe your girls would like sleeping with something of your wife's and/or son's. I understand how it's easier to talk with a stranger, you can let your inner most thoughts out and not worry about their emotional well being,reaction. I joined a group too. You have joined this site and each time you tell your story and write your thoughts, you are actually releasing some are already processing. The death of a child is so tragic because it completely disrupts the natural order of things, they aren't supposed to go first. From the first, all we do is take care of them and make sure they are safe and happy. Their pain is our pain. A child is the most profound attachment you can have. It isn't that you are lucky to have had him 6 years or your wife for 20 really, it's just tragic that they are no longer here and now you must find a new normal. Time doesn't cut into your experience of loss. You just want to jump back in time and prevent this. Men are guardians and like taking care of their families and it is overwhelming to you that you couldn't prevent this. Holidays are difficult as are certain TIMES OF YEAR AND B-DAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES BUT IF YOU ARE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF YOU WILL GET THRU THEM. sleep, EAT your girls MAY HAVE NIGHT TERRORS. I DID. MY SON WOULD SAY "COURAGE IS ENDURANCE FOR ONE MOMENT MORE" YOU WILL LIVE Moment BY MOMENT SOMETIMES. that's FINE. you ARE HEALING. it DOES TAKE COURAGE TO WALK THRU THE PAIN AND YOU ARE ALREADY WILLING TO DO THAT BY BEING ON THIS SITE. . If you'd like, u are welcome to e-mail me

Sep 29, 2013
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Broken or devastated is how you feel. I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR YOU GREAT LOSS!
You are walking in a survivor mode right now. Your life is forever changed.
I lost my husband of 46 years, 27 months ago, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary to a massive heart attack. No one knows your grief. We all grieve differently.
Posting on this site is the first step to recovering from grief. I also encourage getting grief support. I joined a grief support group through my church. It was the best thing I did for myself, being with others who could really understand my grief.
Losing my husband wasn't the first loss in my life, but for me it was the worst. I wanted to die aso. My adult children were and are still here for me everyday. I am blessed to have the support of my husbands family also. They tell me I will always be a part of the family. Family is very important to me.
Take it One Day at a Time. Sometimes its moments at a time. There will be alot of ups and downs and alot of steps forward and some steps back. Be good to yourself and take time for yourself. Right now that is probably the last thing on your mind.
It sounds like you have alot on your plate right now. You have a young daughter injured seriously. She will need her father. She is both physically and mentally hurt. You do not have to go through this alone. Get support whereever you can. Hopefully you have family close to help you through this difficult time. Sometimes friends are even more helpful than family.
Our loving God will walk with you through this awful journey. I know he has carried me many a time.

Sep 29, 2013
Thank you
by: Broken

Thank you for reading my post, and for your comments. You are right, I have to be there for my two girls, Carmayla is 11 and was in the accident as well, she is my angel, named after my Mom she miraculously walked away with minor bruising, so far she seems to be coping as best as can be expected with what has happened, she has been my little rock.

Felicity had a better day today, her recovery is the only thing that brings me any joy, and the only joy that I can let in.

I have a lot of family support, but it doesn't seem to help with the pain, posting my story helped me understand some of my own feelings, I feel like I would like to talk to someone but I can't find the words. I feel like I would prefer to talk to a stranger about it rather then a friend or family member, I don't understand why. My family are wonderful and we have always been very close, the are helping as much as they can.

My faith in God is shaken, I find myself praying to him to heal my little girl and then thoughts of giving up on God all run through my head at the same time. I am trying hard to keep my faith.

The nurses and social workers at the hospital tell me how strong I have been, like I have a choice, I am there Dad. It is my job to care for and protect them, they don't understand that it is the only choice I have.

I am sorry to reed about your losses as well, life is cruel, I try to tell my self that I should be happy that I had my little buddy for 6 years and my beautiful wife for almost 20, so far that has not helped, we had a lot of plans, we were going to do so much together.

Sep 29, 2013
by: Doreen UK

I am so sorry for your loss of your wife and son to a sudden death from a road accident. BROKEN is an apt description for losing your other half and your son who would have carried on your name. Your loss is so immense that you should try and see a grief counsellor whilst you are in so much pain. Counselling will help you get past the raw pain and help you cope with your wondering about your two girls and your distress about what you have to do to care for them.
You won't be able to process the next day whilst you are facing so much sorrow. Take only ONE DAY AT A TIME. Get support with the funeral arrangements and in the days ahead so that you will be able to cope better and not have the enormity of it all swallow you up.
I am also sorry for your loss of your mom and sister. Life has been so very cruel to you. You will lose your motivation to go on in life. You will feel so tired out with grief which is why good support is beneficial even if it be professional support.
I lost my husband to cancer 16 months ago. I had to nurture myself over 6 months till I could get my motivation back to go on one day at a time. It takes a long time to heal from losing loved ones. I was fortunate to have so much support from immediate family to carry me through the first few weeks. It gave me a good foundation for the healing process to start. Focus on getting yourself emotionally stronger and then you will be able to see clearly what the next stage is. Your girls will be needing so much care. In time you will find them such a Blessing and Comfort. But for now Life will be rough for all of you. I am so sorry for your loss. May God Comfort you through your grief and give you Peace in the days and months ahead.

Sep 29, 2013
Too terrible to imagine
by: Jolynn

Oh my God, what terrible pain you are in, what an absolutely horrendous story. It is a nightmare come true for you and I am so sorry. Nobody should have to endure this sort of pain ever!. Please don't feel guilty about thinking of your boy please. Losing a child is the most catastrophic stressor anyone can ever experience. I lost my 26 yr old son 1 yr ago. He was an officer in the Marines training to fly jets and my Hero and I sleep with his shirt every night and my life has been turned upside down and I know I am no longer the same person just as you said. We can't be. You may start feeling PTSD because of the violent way in which you lost your dear son and wife. Please find a grief counselor when you are able. You will need lot's of support. There are really no words to say as your loss is so sad and you are in such pain, nothing can console you really right now. You are welcome to e-mail me because just by the fact that you are on this site and are reaching out tells me you are and will be able to find some strength somehow to get thru this. My husband refuses to talk about my son or look at picture or anything and that is not terribly healthy. Each time you talk or write, you are processing and letting some grief out. My e-mail is Be gentle with yourself, you are probably in shock right now too. I am so, so sorry. Maybe your son and wife are closer to you than we can possibly know. There is so much in this world that we don't know yet. I try to have courage like my son. He said, " courage is endurance for one moment more". I go moment by moment now. I am sorry for your loss. I spoke at my son's service and if you are able, it is a way to pay a final tribute even though difficult. I was so glad I said my final goodbyes and told everyone what my son meant to me.
Take care.

Sep 29, 2013
how terrible
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry

Sep 29, 2013
My heart aches for you and your family
by: Deb


I am so,so sorry. I have read and re-read your story. I ache for you and the pain and heartache of what you are going through comes right out of you and into those of us reading and just praying for strength for you to hang in there.

Your little girl needs you as well as your other children, they need their daddy to be strong even though you don't want to be.

Is there a priest or pastor of yours that can be with you and pray? Do you have family memebers, grand parents that can help?

You are going to need your strength to get through so much.

I don't know your name, but I will be praying for you and your family tonight and also that God lays his healing hands over your child that is injured and pray for her pain to subside.

please continue to come back here and write it all out no matter what you feel. There is a lot of help here as I have found recently through my own grief.

Please reach out, we are here and there are plenty of others here whom have gone through horrible experiences also.

Please,please keep posting here and I am just so sorry for your losses and your little girl's pain.

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