brother aged 30 died suddenley of {dvt}1 week later mum comitted suiside

by claire hambling
(southampton)

I had the devastating news on the 4th June 2011 that my brother had died no one knew why just that he was sick that evening he went of to sleep never to wake again autopsy report said it was deep vain thrombosis . I miss him so very much he was aged 30 had a heart of gold he was my mums world totally. I always felt pushed aside and only became close to me brother the last two years. Our mum was waiting on this hospital report for his cause of death. A week later i received another call ,my mum had took an over dose as she couldn't carry on without my brother . i sat in the back of ambulance watching while the paramedics kept keeping my mums heart going she ended up on support machines at one stage was told she would be brain dead then two weeks later she woke didn't have much movement wouldn't eat .she moved to a high dependency ward after just 4 days there my nan and i got a call drs told us that she had septicemia mums medical history said she had 10% chance of getting through the op and shed have no control of bladder and bowel and limited movement there other option was to let her die no food or fluids every the drs thought letting her die with morphine for any discomfort she felt all so her own wishes she had with her will stated the same .i sat with my mum for 5 day and night just watching her die Id never thought it would of left me constantly reliving and seeing the images in my head and the image of my brother . i feel im going slightly mad within a month me brother and mum were gone . hope things will get easier to cope with prob concilling might help but feel no ones going to understand.

Comments for brother aged 30 died suddenley of {dvt}1 week later mum comitted suiside

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Jul 19, 2012
brother aged 30 died suddenly of dvt 1 week later mum committed suicide.
by: Doreen U.K.

Claire I am sorry for your loss of your brother to dvt and for your Mom to suicide. Because you say your mom did not favour you and this caused you difficulties in life. A death usually brings these difficulties to the surface during a loss and grief. Any fractures in the family will show up at this time and compound our grief.
You should seek counselling. You need to find the right counsellor and feel that you are moveing forward and you are comfortable with that person. Any loss from suicide should receive counselling as this is a very traumatic death for the people left behind. Don't concern yourself with the fact that the counsellor will not understand. They are trained to understand. If they don't then you have the wrong counsellor and need to find another one. Grief is very painfull. You do feel as if you are going mad and nothing is going to get better. It all takes time. One day at a time. I was a favourite child inasmuch as my mum could rely on me to stand in her shoes and be a mum to my sisters. An enormous responsibility. But I also know how my sister's feel by feeling not good enough to me. It hurts. I try to see things from their point of view. I took a back seat so they could be in the limelight of my mother's attention. A very painfull place to be. I then felt left out. But I do understand that parents try to do the right thing. But if they experience any dysfuncion in growing up. They pass this on and don't know any different. So I couldn't hold it against my mother. I did find counselling does help to break dysfunctional patterns established and hard or impossible to break out of. It does affect grief.
You will benefit from counselling and it will work in your favour. I hope you will consider this. Best wishes.

Jul 19, 2012
Suicide Aftermath
by: Anonymous

I only have one son, who is dying now, and so I can't speak to why a mom would do that from the perspective of a parent, but I can tell you I experienced both of my parents preference for
other siblings over me. I am in my 60s now, and it has been a rough journey to understanding, the kind that makes life a place where joy is really possible, at least at times. I wish you this kind of life, now, and you can get there if you take the time to see your mom as the person she was, not the mother she was to you. Staying on that last train of thought, without a solid balancing of thr other, will take you to a crippling place, where I spent far too long. You, and any other sibling you might have, know her - figure it out. Get help if you can't. From your dad, maybe? Someone who is there just for you (a pro) might be needed. Here is the point: you are going to need to forgive her and let go of your pain if you want a life of your own, a good one. There is no easy road there, but there could be someone on it who will love you passionately, because you are you. I found that man, just as I was, and he changed everything. I worked on my stuff first, and so must you. Go for it - be you, that underneath the pain and weariness beautiful soul.

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