Brother in Law dating 2 months after my sister died

by Amy
(Michigan)

My sister died two months ago, at the age of 40, after battling cancer for a year and a half. It was only the last 4 months that we knew there was no cure for her. We all grieved before and after her death. It was and still is very much too hard to even bare. I gave up my life and my job and moved across the country to care give for her during the last 10 months of her life. I moved in with her and her husband and their 4-year-old girl. I have helped raise my niece for the last year. I took the brunt of my sister’s care giving responsibilities. Before she died, I asked my brother in law if wanted me to stay, he did. I have no job options here, I have no life here, it’s a very boring place for a single 30 something to live. But, my brother in law now has a 5-year-old girl to raise, my niece, whom I adore and love to the core. However, I just discovered in the last week that he has gone onto a dating website and then he lied to me about going out with friends from work last weekend. He made the mistake of leaving his email open when I was babysitting my niece. It was open on an email for a sex hookup website! open, on the computer where my niece and I play ABC mouse!!! I was suspicious before I saw the email, because of his change in behavior, and his secretive texting and telephone calls. Then he didn’t come home from his date until the next day at 11am!!! And he stuck with his lie about being out with friends. Then he told me yesterday that women have been hitting on him and he invited one of them to come over, to the house, next weekend (on the 2 months anniversary of my sisters death). I had already told him that I would be out all evening that night. He told me he lined up a sleepover for my niece at a friends house. OK – it has been 5 days short of two months since she died. How can I live here now? I was willing to give up my life for two more years for my niece. But I can’t stay here and play nanny if my brother in law wants to move on and date again, after less than two months. I mean, my sister died at home, where we live, where he wants to bring a date. Her ashes are still in the house. I am totally behind supporting him moving on, but not for a year, or at least 6 to 8 months. But TWO months, while I am living here, sacrificing my life and career for HIM. I feel terrible for my niece, but I have to leave. I have never felt so abysmal in my life. I thought losing my sister was the hardest thing in life I would ever encounter, but seeing my brother in law do this is even harder. I thought he was the greatest guy on Earth. I was so happy with their marriage. He was, I thought, the best thing ever that happened to her. But this is horrible. Now it all seems so fake, like his devotion to her was a sham. How do we recover?

Comments for Brother in Law dating 2 months after my sister died

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 28, 2014
Coming from a Widow, cut the guy a break
by: Anonymous

Hi,
First, my condolences. I am really sorry to hear about your sister! Losing my own mother to cancer when I was only 13, I can relate to what your niece is going through. Now, you may not want to hear what I have to say, but please hear me out. I am a widow. I lost my husband suddenly from cirrhosis of the liver. None of us knew just how sick he was. He was gone in 12 hours. He was only 41 years old. The last two years of our marriage were very difficult due to him getting, well not so nice and kind of nuts. Now learning about cirrhosis, I understand what was going on with him. The illness was making him crazy. Back to what I wanted to tell you. After my husband passed, I grieved, but my grieving went quick. I made tons of changes to my life. As the doctor told me when I got the news my husband was going to die; he said, "Your life is going to completely change." I had to get rid of 90% of my things. I have moved twice. I had to get rid of my three cats and my dog. I am now stuck with massive hospital bills. Then to top it off, his family constantly bothering me for my husband's things; when I was trying to sell and purge my things and move all by myself. I moved, then I grew close to a friend that was also friend's with my late husband. We fell in love. He asked me to move in with him and I accepted. It's the real deal. Not a rebound relationship or anything. He takes care of me and we get along great. Well, when I told my late husband's family I was moving in with my boyfriend and they all started being jerks to me. Judging me, making remarks and backhanded compliments. I cut them off. Things moved quick for me and I understand that they are still grieving, but I refuse to be battered at for making a decision for MY life. Not theirs. So, my point is this. EVERYONE grieves at their own pace. Also, do not judge a widow or widower until you have been in their shoes. Trust me. You have no idea what it is like until you have been there. I dealt with death many times since I was a young child, but nothing can prepare you for losing a spouse, especially suddenly. Now, for me, I grieved quickly cause I realized I was grieving for my husband before he died. The same can be true for someone what has watched their spouse suffer from illness and then die. Family on the other hand, who did not live with the spouse that died, the death is more sudden to them and they have to process it differently. Again, everyone grieves at different paces. Another thing, you are mad at your BIL for moving on so quickly and thinking he needs to think of you. You CHOSE to move in with him to help out. He DID NOT choose to lose his wife. So again, cut the guy a break. As long as he is being a good father and putting his daughter first, but, sorry for the crassness, needs to get laid or at least have the companionship of a woman, you have no place to judge. It's his life, not yours. If you want to stick around and help raise his daughter, more power to you. I commend that, but don't play the martyr. My in-laws started giving me crap, "Oh you should wait at least a year before dating again." Really??? So, lets stuff me on a shelf. I just lost everything and then everyone is trying to tell me how to live my life. That's all I have to say.

Jul 30, 2014
Harsh
by: Anonymous

After two months? It was premature. The relationship didn't last, and she turned out to be crazy after all, and only after an easy target to marry her. Turns out she had major mental problems. She got married to someone else a few months later, and ended up in a mental hospital. So, I'd say my cause for concern was very well warranted.

He deserves to move on and be happy, and he has and is. But any woman who would date a guy two months after his wife died raises a major red flag for mental stability and intention.

Jul 30, 2014
deserves to be happy
by: Anonymous

your sister is gone there's nothing no one can do to bring her back he deserves to have a life and be happy it isn't easy for them neither but life goes on and its not the new girls fault she died give the girl a chance, you loved your sister and so did her husband but she isn't here anymore and think this would your sister want him to dwell into sadness or live a full happy life,it doesn't mean your sister is forgotten the memories will always be there but he will have too move on and start the 2nd part of his life with the women he chooses and she deserves the same respect too!

Nov 03, 2013
My heart is sad for you
by: Anonymous

We are strangers yet I feel your pain. My sister died at age 40 from a brain tumor. Her husband and his mother cared for her for 2 years but she lost the battle earlier this year. 4 months after she passed, I heard he was dating. I was upset but got used to it. It wasn't until about 6 or 7 months later that he was exclusively dating someone and after 1 month of dating he was talking about marriage. I am heart broken. My nieces like her a lot but I feel like she is always around and pushing herself into our lives. It's hard to bare and I'm not sure what to do? It seems most people have accepted this except for me and a few others.
My advice is to stay close to your niece. She will need you in the years ahead. Your brother in law will do what he is going to do but hopefully it won't directly affect your niece.
Why is it that they can't put their kids' needs first above their own needs and wants? Sorry to sound so negative but I am still grieving and don't want to love forward like everyone else has apparently done. I will pray for you and that you find your answers and to bring comfort to your wounded heart. You were an awesome sister. Just know that you have done well.

Apr 08, 2013
Same here!
by: Anonymous

My sister died of cancer of the pancreas and about a month later I found out I had lung cancer. My sisters cancer was was more aggressive than mine but she fought hard! While she was in the hospital ( the same where I had my chemo treatments) afterwards I would go and stay with her and take care of her and her husband would be no where to be found. I was there every day except the ones I was throwing up my insides, bathing her and doing her hair and her nails and all the fun stuff we use to do as kids growing up, me being the oldest and the mother hen,lol. Those memories I would never give a million dollars for. One day he shows up but has to make frequent trips to the parking lot to drink his beer ( he has been an alcoholic for years) the Dr. Comes in and the diagnostic isn't good. He tells us she has at the most 4-6 months to live and to go home and make the best of it with her family. She goes home the next day awaiting her nurse and the send her home with a bunch of meds for pain and all the while I'm still about 3 hours away still having my treatments. The next day my boyfriend of 8 years hears from a grocery store the next day my sis ter dies! 5-6 hours later!!
Just when the day before the Dr. Give her 4-6 months never ever saying anying about it could be anytime, months, he fine her months to live! My brother-in-law was dating within 3 weeks of her death!! To someone my sister hated and expected he was cheating with. At her services in his drunken state he came up to me and grinned and said she didn't suffer. My instincts tells me he give her to much of her pain meds which were high powered. My family was treated like crap at her services. My sister and I were so close and it breakers my heart!

Feb 16, 2013
I agree with Sherry
by: Lynne

Please think about what your sister would want for her daughter. It is vitally important that you stay as close as possible to her. She is dealing with more loss than any child should have to. What would your sister want?

Feb 15, 2013
So sorry
by: Sheri Bullion Enfield

I really think you should talk to him about how you feel. Men are made different then we are, he may have stuffed the pain he is feeling down and is doing this to try to get over the pain he is feeling inside being lonely and needing companionship. I think if you just leave your niece will be the one who suffers the most she has lost her mom and might loose her Aunt too. that's a lot to put on a little girl. If he moves on that's his problem I think you should stay maybe not with him. try and find a job and a place of your own but don't leave that baby to deal with everything by herself. You will heal and get over this. and be a better person for staying strong and a loving force in her life. Your sister is gone what other woman does she have there to look up too. Don't let one of them take your place in taking care of her and helping her remember her mom and to give her the values that your sister would want her to have. I wish you all the luck in the world with your pain. Not sure i could deal with this if my sister in law did the same but please don't leave that baby she needs you to be there for her

Feb 13, 2013
Thank You
by: Anonymous

Thank you Doreen, Im glad to get your perspective. He isnt neglecting his daughter at all, more neglecting his respect for me, and my family, and his dead wife. I am going to try and get some grief counseling and I will work with my sisters close friends on a plan for how to tell him that I am leaving. I do have to leave or I could end up suffering some long term PTSD. I have a date with a guy I really respect and have known for a long time, and I have already decided we can be no more than friends because I have completely lost my faith in men, to the core, from all of this. So, I do have to go. My brother in law is a good dad, and I feel I will be able to give him better advice on these crazy chicks who would date him right after my sister died if I were away from him and not having to look him in the face because I am so mad at him. But yes, I will see a grief counselor.

Cold: thank you, I am glad you can see how mean and disrespectful what he is doing is to me. I should not have to feel like a bad person for not respecting his right to grieve by pouring himself into sex with slutty whores on sex meet up websites. My sister was an incredibly amazing and respectable person, and she would be furious if she were in my shoes right now.

Feb 13, 2013
Brother in Law dating 2 months after my sister died.
by: Doreen U.K.

Amy I am sorry for your loss of your sister to cancer. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 10 month ago to a deadly cancer caused by working with asbestos. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days. I know how tough it was for you. The devastating news of knowing our loved ones were going to die is so very hard. You just shut down and get on with caregiving and have to deal with the aftermath after the death. It is all like a dream.
Amy you would know if your sister was ever unhappy in her marriage. If not then try and not judge your brother-in-law. He may be so lonely this is the only way for him to deal with his loss of wife (your sister). I don't think your brother-in-law would take the risk of letting you into his home if there was anything sinister in his behaviour. It may just be an innocent way of relieving his pain. If he is neglecting his daughter to go out on dates. He may not be coping. He may be wanting Sex as his release and not a relationship? You will know if there are any more clues as to his behaviour being disrespectful to your sister. Confront him. Tell him how you feel and that his behaviour is disrespectful to your sister and to you who had given up your life to support him. Tell him you cannot support his behaviour so soon after your sister's death and ask him what is his intentions of his CARE PLAN for his daughter? It is most important that you do not leave his home till some care is put in place for his daughter. Keep an eye on the situation. She is of too delicate an age to first of all lose her mother and then her father to someone else. Her interests should come first. Otherwise this is irresponsible behaviour and Social Services would have to be brought in to this situation if only for your nieces welfare. I am sure you would not want anything to happen to her. She will be suffering now emotionally. Try and see a grief counsellor and get some perspective on the situation. If you do nothing and your niece suffers neglect you won't forgive yourself for not doing something positive to remedy the situation. You have a life also and must decide how you want your life to unfold for your future. Life is full of sacrifices. Just make sure this is the right sacrifice. Get some support for yourself so you are not handling this problem all alone. I hope things work out well. Please keep in touch with an update.

Feb 13, 2013
Cold AS#@#@!
by: Anonymous

How insensitive of him to go out only after two months. For Heavens sake her body is hardly cold. Did he not love her to where he is grieving everyday like most normal spouses? It's been two years and I'm still heartbroken. It's best you move out because him showing so little regard for your sister (his wife ) is going to rub salt into your fresh greiving wounds. How effing cold!

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Sibling.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!