But we had plans.....guess His were bigger & more important!

by Annie
(Oregon)

For as long as I can remember I have always been a "Momma's Girl." My start into this life was comprimized from the start. I had pneumonia several times during the first year of my life. From then until about 8 years ago, Mom to care of me. When we lost my Dad 8 years ago Mom was devastated. On his death bed he told me I would have to take care of her, never let her be lonely, keep track of her health and above all do not count on your brothers for anything as they had their own lives and were very busy. He knew, it would be Mom and me till the end.
Over the next couple years we moved Mom into a Trailer Court full of Active Seniors. She did the best she could to keep up but her health just couldn't hold up. Diagnosed with COPD, she had already had a 6 way Bypass along with both hips replaced. We moved her into an Independent Facility, she still had her own place just her meals were with the other residents. Things just didn't get any better. Last November she began falling alot. Never really breaking anything, just her spirit. I did not want to move her again. After a year working in a nursing home I swore I would never put her in one. She was getting weaker every day so in January I moved her to a Rehab Facility that would help her with a new medication and to build up the strength in her legs. I got her a motorized chair and fought tooth and nail to get her a really expensive arthritis medication. Then she got a cold, which turned to pneumonia. We had a 6 week plan going then and I had a plane ticket to go see my youngest daughter and her family for my birthday. The doctors reassured me she would lick this pneumonia and be back at Rehab before I returned. I went on my trip, everyday we spoke and everyday she was weaker. Within an hour after I got home I was by her side. She had a bed sore and it developed MRSA, she was so weak and tired. She wouldn't cooperate with the nurses, therapists and doctors. I spent the next few days by her side making her eat and take her meds. 5 days later she was dead.
We all know they can't live forever but we had plans, she never got to ride her new chair, she never got to go back home and her heart couldn't take anymore. As I sat there in the ER holding her hand and trying to get her to at least know I was there she left me.
I am a person who works had at staying busy, always running to Mom's everyday checking on her even in the Rehab. What did I do wrong? Could I of done more? I ask myself these questions everyday.
People say I have a wonderful support system.....I have one daughter who lives close by the other is 3000 miles a way. I have a wonderful husband who is trying to understand what is going on with me. Menopause is here of course, depression and just no more self worth. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and even more to get out of the house. Although I have friends and family, I don't have the one person I want.
Recently a family member passed away very young. A few years ago she lost her Mom too. At her funeral all I could think of is how lucky she was to be with her Mom. I have wished on so many occasions that I could die. I have thought that the pain from losing my Mom was going to kill me.
I know I need support, I thought that I had some of that with family but they just don't seem to get it right. As I read thru these pages and hear my own words over and over again I am thankful to know I am not alone. Though my pain is real I think if I just stick it out perhaps one day I can be the woman she wanted me to be. It's just barely been 2 months since she left and I don't know when or if it will get easier, I am thankful for a place to share and vent. ~Annie