But we had plans.....guess His were bigger & more important!

by Annie

For as long as I can remember I have always been a "Momma's Girl." My start into this life was comprimized from the start. I had pneumonia several times during the first year of my life. From then until about 8 years ago, Mom to care of me. When we lost my Dad 8 years ago Mom was devastated. On his death bed he told me I would have to take care of her, never let her be lonely, keep track of her health and above all do not count on your brothers for anything as they had their own lives and were very busy. He knew, it would be Mom and me till the end.
Over the next couple years we moved Mom into a Trailer Court full of Active Seniors. She did the best she could to keep up but her health just couldn't hold up. Diagnosed with COPD, she had already had a 6 way Bypass along with both hips replaced. We moved her into an Independent Facility, she still had her own place just her meals were with the other residents. Things just didn't get any better. Last November she began falling alot. Never really breaking anything, just her spirit. I did not want to move her again. After a year working in a nursing home I swore I would never put her in one. She was getting weaker every day so in January I moved her to a Rehab Facility that would help her with a new medication and to build up the strength in her legs. I got her a motorized chair and fought tooth and nail to get her a really expensive arthritis medication. Then she got a cold, which turned to pneumonia. We had a 6 week plan going then and I had a plane ticket to go see my youngest daughter and her family for my birthday. The doctors reassured me she would lick this pneumonia and be back at Rehab before I returned. I went on my trip, everyday we spoke and everyday she was weaker. Within an hour after I got home I was by her side. She had a bed sore and it developed MRSA, she was so weak and tired. She wouldn't cooperate with the nurses, therapists and doctors. I spent the next few days by her side making her eat and take her meds. 5 days later she was dead.
We all know they can't live forever but we had plans, she never got to ride her new chair, she never got to go back home and her heart couldn't take anymore. As I sat there in the ER holding her hand and trying to get her to at least know I was there she left me.
I am a person who works had at staying busy, always running to Mom's everyday checking on her even in the Rehab. What did I do wrong? Could I of done more? I ask myself these questions everyday.
People say I have a wonderful support system.....I have one daughter who lives close by the other is 3000 miles a way. I have a wonderful husband who is trying to understand what is going on with me. Menopause is here of course, depression and just no more self worth. It takes everything I have to get up in the morning and even more to get out of the house. Although I have friends and family, I don't have the one person I want.
Recently a family member passed away very young. A few years ago she lost her Mom too. At her funeral all I could think of is how lucky she was to be with her Mom. I have wished on so many occasions that I could die. I have thought that the pain from losing my Mom was going to kill me.
I know I need support, I thought that I had some of that with family but they just don't seem to get it right. As I read thru these pages and hear my own words over and over again I am thankful to know I am not alone. Though my pain is real I think if I just stick it out perhaps one day I can be the woman she wanted me to be. It's just barely been 2 months since she left and I don't know when or if it will get easier, I am thankful for a place to share and vent. ~Annie

Comments for But we had plans.....guess His were bigger & more important!

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Jun 27, 2011
Enough is Enough
by: Annie

With my Husband over my shoulder he read the words you wrote and thought I had written them. I feel I am in a better place for the moment. I have just sold the last of her belongings at a Yard Sale and the rest went to Good Will.
A couple weeks ago I took a friend back home it was about a 3 hour trip. On my way home I was alone and I had a great talk with my Mom. For once she had to listen to me and for once I got to apologize for anything I hadn't done. I feel much stronger for that time. I cried, I laughed but most of all I felt her with me for the first time since she died.
To hear your words it means so much to know you aren't alone. I have felt so lonely even in a house full of people at times.
Thank you so much! God bless you!~Annie

Jun 26, 2011
Enough is enough
by: Tina in Chicago

Dear Annie, you will never believe you did enough, but your Mom does. I was fortunate enough to have my Mom hug me, thank me for keeping her home with me during her illness and tell me she loved me weeks before she died in March 2011. I replay that scene and those tears we shared in my mind often, and I still don't believe I did enough. Either I went to sleep when I was tired, I went to eat when I was hungry, I went to work to keep a roof over our heads, whatever. She told her best friend that she wished everyone had a daughter like me. Her friend told me and I feel so proud about it. Yet, still I think I did not do enough. I lost my patience, I said something, I hesitated when she called because I was exhausted after working a whole day and it was 2am and I had to go to work. You name it, I can fault myself for it. There is this need to blame ourselves no matter what. We know we are not God, but we still think we should have been able to do something that only God can do--keep them with us!! Ask your Mom to forgive you for whatever it is you think you didn't do, she understands more than you know what you were going through; then forgive yourself.

Jun 14, 2011
I know how you feel
by: Annie

The last words my mother said to me were I am healing I'm tired go home. I did what she asked and less than 24 hours later she was gone. Her poor heart had had enough. It's so difficult to think of the negative over the positive. I am trying to convince myself I did all I could do, even though I second guess myself often. I miss having a woman in my family that I trust to talk to, confide in and just a girlfriend. I spent many hours with my mom and now I am lost.
Take care and god bless~~Annie

Jun 14, 2011
I know how you feel!
by: Ilana

I lost my mother a year ago to ovarian cancer and I keep asking myself what more I could have done for her. She lived nearby and I wished I visited her more often. However, every time I visited her in the hospital, she kept pushing me away. I know she didn't mean to, because he spirits were so low and she didn't want me to see her in that condition. I miss her every day, but I know at least she is at peace now!

Jun 06, 2011
In response to Trish
by: Annie

Thank you for your kind words, they are very encouraging. I am at a loss for the pain you must have, to lose your husband and your Mom fading fast. You still have a few mins to give me a little of your strength. I appreciate your words so very much. Please know that you have helped me. You seem to be a person who has a lot of love and patience. God has blessed you and me by bringing your words to me. There is a special place in heaven for you and I pray you get thru this with his love and grace comforting you all the way! God Bless You and Your Mom! ~~Annie <3

Jun 05, 2011
A Mother's Love
by: TrishJ

We have all depended on our mothers over the years. As a young mother I was calling my own mom 2 - 3 times a day to make sure I was doing things right. We need our mothers to help us get through the menopause. Whatever we are living through usually our mothers have already gone through it. We are all lost without them. My mother is in end stage dementia right now so I'm really grieving her loss already. Her body is still here but things are getting worse every week. I'm afraid the day will come when she doesn't remember who I am.
We are all grieving on this site. Depression is part of the grief. My husband passed away 6 months ago and I still have days where I don't want to look at anyone. All we can do is our best. I talk to God daily and ask him to relieve me of the pain and loneliness. I try to find a little happiness in each day. Some days that's hard to do. Grief is a lot of hard work. We have to go through these emotions if we are going to move on and be happy. Take it slowly. Your mom would want you to be happy.
One breath, one step at a time. Breath in. Breath out. Blessings to you.

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