Bye mommy

My mom died 3 weeks ago today- she was 50. She hung herself in her garage. My dad found her after he came home from work( he's 51). I live 8 hours away from my dad, so after packing, and leaving i arrived the next morning. Dad was a mess.

My brother and i did everything we could to be strong for him. I tried not to let him see me cry- though he was sobbing quite a bit the first 2 days. I've never seen my dad so emotionally and physically weak. The day we saw my mom's body, he was physically leaning on me so that i had to help him walk- he couldn't walk on his own.

After quite a bit of digging- in paperwork, her computer, etc. we found out that she was clinically depressed, and had been sucicidal for at least 6 months (we found 'how to' websites in the search history of her computer dating back to April). She was also having an affair, that was at least 1 1/2 yrs old. Only my dad, aunt, and uncle knew how bad she was. They begged her to get help- meds, counseling, etc, but she refused.

My parents are HUGE in their community- at the viewing, at least 700 people showed up- most of whom I didn't know. None of the people there knew why she had killed herself- and there was no way any of the family was gonna tell them. But at least my family has closure.

I broke down during the funeral- that was the first time my dad saw me crying. It was the hardest thing for me to see the casket, and a picture of my mom's smiling face in a beautiful frame. I guess crying is a form of healing.

I also went to the gravesite by myself a few days after the funeral- kinda to say goodbye in private. I didn't realize how emotionally and physicially hard that would be for me. I knew it was something i had to to do, but i was crying so hard, i could hardly breathe or move. I'm glad i did it though- it kinda finalized everything for me.

Now me (27 yrs old) and my brother (25 yrs old) have to pick up the pieces of our lives, and help dad the best we can. My brother and i are married, so it helps that we have our spouses who can help us heal- but daddy doesn't have anyone- besides us now. I guess- as selfish as it is- i wish that instead of ruining everyone's life, she had gotten the help she needed. My daddy told us 'at least she isn't in pain anymore'- but she left a lot of other people in a lot of pain. I miss my mommy.