Cancer? What? Me?
The doctor called, it's March 2011. "You have a type of sarcoma" she said. At that moment I had my first out of body experience, I had just turned 51, I didn't really believe there was such a thing, guess what? There is. Shock set in immediately. Then the roller coaster ride began....surgery, chemo, and then radiation. This took the rest of 2011. It's now May 2012 and my cancer has spread to my lungs, more chemo, oh yes please, cause last year was fun...they tell me it's a rare cancer and my chances aren't great.
What do I do with all of this? It all feels too hard to process. I've read about the seven stages of grief, however not all of them apply to my situation, but they seem to come and go and then come back again, in a different order. I hear all of the things that people tell me about being grateful for each day and about the power of prayer, and I know they are trying to be kind and supportive, but I just want to SCREAM!
"The power of prayer" Now that's an issue I struggle with every day. If someone lives through something, some say their prayers were answered or they experienced a miracle. Okay, so wait, if someone dies, is it because there weren't enough prayers said or the miracle train pulled straight through? Oops, sucks to be you?
All I know is that I'm damned angry, hurt, resentful and depressed. None of these words define me, cancer does NOT define me, but there are many days when they take over. I'm actually funny, goofy, quirky, a true dork and I'm proud to say so. I don't want to lose these traits and my greatest fear is that I will. I want to be remembered for the latter rather than the former....