Cannot Deal

by Terri
(Virginia)

My strong 30 year old son went to sleep driving home from work and wrecked just a couple hundred yards from his home. He was going home to his wife and 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son. We live 15 minutes from his house. He was a delight from the day he was born. He never drank or did drugs. He always set goals and achieved them. He was very laid back and did not take life too serious. But he worked hard and played hard. Everyone wanted to be around him--because he lit up the room and could talk to anybody.

He said a few words in the Er to his wife-then his heart stopped and they had to shock him back. I was still believing he would be alright. He was transported to a trauma center and never woke up. For 5 days we listened to different reports from the dr. and it was all so negative. On the 5th day the doctor said the wordS HE IS GONE. I asked few questions which is not my normal way. I was tired and just accepted what the doctors said. Now 6 months later I want his medical records that only his wife can get and she is reluctant. The only reason I think I want them is I want to know that I did everything I was supposed to do as a mother. My husband says to forget about the doctors cause it won't bring him back. But a mother's job is to protect their child and I feel like I let him down.

I am so angry most days-mainly at GOD and people that do not even try to understand.I am a Christian and I just cannot deal with his death. We see our grandchildren twice a week and they are so beautiful but the 4 yr. old is suffering and that is more than I can bear. She wants her Daddy back. I feel totally alone even surrounded by family. I just want to be with my son but I would never consider taking my life. I just want my son.

Comments for Cannot Deal

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Jan 09, 2012
cannot deal
by: Terri

Thanks to all of you for responding with such compassion and understanding. It's been 7months now since we lost Brandon-our special 30 yr.old son. His birthday is this month and his dad's is 2 days after. My husband says he cannot celebrate a birthday without him. My husband deals with his grief so differently than mine. We are on 2 different pages it seems. My grandkids live with their mom and her parents which is hard to accept because now they call that "home". But I would have done the same thing if I were in her shoes. We get to see them about twice a week but it's like I feel them slipping away. The other grandparents get to see them first thing every morning, go places, and go to bed at night. And I know they will become closer to them just because it's their daily life. It's no one's fault-just a fact of life. It just seems like each day brings more difficult challenges than the day before. I tell GOD all the time that I am not JOB and cannot endure or continue to bear one thing after another. Just feeling completely lost.

Dec 02, 2011
Cannot Deal by Terri`
by: Vickie Calif.

Terri, I just finished reading your story. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my daughter on 9-18-09 and she had just turned 26. She left behind a five yr. old daughter and a husband. I just discovered this wonderful site about a month ago and it has truly been a blessing. I am entering my third yr. and I do have more better days than I did two yr's ago, but it is never easy. I am working and returned three wk's after her death. Looking back I realize I should have taken more time off. At the time I found myself just reliving the horrible details and felt I needed to try stay busy. My daughters death was from a car accident. Her car landed in a raw sewage pond. There was a woman that was involved and ,if ever found faces manslaughter charges. Also there wasn't proper road signs or a proper gate at the entrance of the waste management plant. I hired an attny. and a private investigator. In the state I live in, it is only legal for a parent to file suit, if there in not a spouse or adult children. My son-in-law agreed that we/I should try and see what we could do. I felt I Needed to do this, for my granddaughter. I wanted her to know that we did All that we could do. I knew that nothing could ever replace her mother but I wanted to do something. After nearly two yr's I recv'd a small settlement for my granddaughter. She will have some money to help her with her education, or any needs she may have. I can tell you that I went through a great deal of emotional pain/stress trying to do this. Looking back I can honestly say I probably would Not pursue it, if I had it to do over. I am grateful to have something to help my grandchild with later in life, but it was definitely hard reliving events and not being able to have closure. As far as the woman who is to really Blame for her rolling down a 150 enbankment and into a sewage pond -I cannot allow her to kill me as well. I have to believe that God will deal with her in his own way and time.
Only you can decide what you feel you need to do. Just know that going over those medical records and reading graphic details is an experience you may Not be ready for. No one is ever ready..but as best as you could be. I had to read the coroners report and local and state police reports. Everyone who knew my daughter was interrogated by the City(whom I was suing) they were looking for Anything that would point blame at her. These people will eat you alive. I hope that you can find a little peace soon. I feel for your grandchildren. It is heartbreaking for us, but for these young innocent babies...there simply are no words. Just know WE do understand and Get it here. You may feel alone but you aren't.

God Bless You and Your Family

Dec 02, 2011
To Terri in VA
by: Anonymous

I am so sad for your terrible loss. Life just isn't fair. We never plan a funeral for our children unless we are forced to against our will.I went kicking and screaming through the horrible ordeal we had to face after our son killed himself. It is still hard to face these words on "paper" and it has been six years. I never thought I could last a day or a month or a year. Somehow, times has moved me along. I understand all the replies to your letter. I have felt those things too. I wanted answers and asked questions, but the truth had to finally set in. My son would not be coming back. I prayed that God would bring him back. Afterall, He had the power, but then I realized that my son would continue to carry the pain that took him to his early grave. I would not want that. I selfishly wanted him alive, but I would not be able to take away his pain. I know where he is now and he is at peace until Jesus returns and calls him awake. I trust God. I know He does not kill His children. He allows it, but He does not cause it. Satan is to blame for all death in this world packed to the limit with sin which again, is his doing. Let's put the blame where it belongs. Satan does not care how he kills us as long as he does. He will do anything to hurt the heart of God. God created us and our children. He knew their every breath; in fact, He is the one who gave them life. He does not take life. It has helped me to try to see the bigger picture. God has comforted me and taught me so much; much more than I understood before my son died. Know that God is with you and will see you through each and every moment. Call out to Him. Allow Him to hold your heart and carry your grief. Our secrets are safe with Him. Journaling helps. God encouraged me to write down my pain. I never thought it would lead to a book, but it has and others are reading it and feeling hopeful. In God there is hope. Please be at peace. GT PS - we attended Survivors of Suicide meetings and benefitted from being with those of like loss. Check locations if you are interested.

Nov 30, 2011
I understand
by: Anonymous

Reading your words were like someone was reading my mind. My son died of a accidental overdose at the age of 28 10 months ago. It still haunts my mind that as a mother shouldn't i have warned him more - he was on several medications for a car accident. As a mother we always want to fix things - no matter how old our children are its like that from day one. I am slowly trying to accept the fact that this is God's will. That there was nothing I could have done that would have changed the outcome. As a christian we need to believe that the time is chosen by God. I too have a grandaughter she will be 4 soon. She misses her daddy so much and it rips your heart out. Not only are you greiveing for you son but you are greiveing for your granddaughter's loss as well. I pray for all the parents who lost children as we travel along this path that we never wanted to take. God Bless You and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Nov 30, 2011
Continued
by: SoSadDad

I understand the self-blame thing, too. Fathers are also expected to protect their family and to fix things when they go wrong. My daughter Melanie, then 31, died from a drug overdose on September 20, 2009. Then my other daughter Jennifer, 28, died on July 16, 2011, also from a drug overdose. I couldn’t help them. I wasn’t prepared for this, and didn’t understand it. And there was little help from the outside. After all, aren’t drug addicts just a scourge on society, and probably better off dead? I made mistakes, and maybe would do things differently if given a second chance. But I did the best I knew how to. And God bless you, a car accident is a terrible thing. But you couldn’t do anything about it. And as I said, the doctors did their best. Asking more questions and making suggestions would have made you feel better, but it wouldn’t have changed the doctor’s school-trained and experienced approach to treating your son. Let’s face it: we're in this pit of confusion, chaos and pain, and we don’t know we’ll get out, or if we ever will. There are just no easy answers.
One of my favorite sayings follows: “How long will my family, friends and co-workers be able to put up with my continuing exhaustion, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, depression, self-pity and apparently irrational behavior…” Have you heard of the Compassionate Friends? It is an organization formed by bereaved parents to provide comfort to other bereaved parents. At six months you have probably experienced some of your family, friends and co-workers keeping their distance from you. It’s sad but understandable. They just don’t know what to say or do. At Compassionate Friends meeting, you are surrounded by others who have experienced the deep grief that you have. They don’t judge you, and they don’t push you to do anything. Yes, it’s sad to hear all of their stories, too. But it’s good to be understood. You can find local chapters at www.compassionatefriends.org.
May God bless you!

Nov 30, 2011
There is no greater sorrow...
by: SoSadDad

I am very sorry for the suffering you are experiencing. And as a member of this exclusive club of grieving parents, know that I love you and have some understanding of your pain. There are no remedies, no good answers, and lots of questions. What was your son’s name? We never want our children to be forgotten, and using his name reinforces his memory. And it’s safe; no one can identify you from a first name and state, unless they already know you. You can certainly be mad at God. He created us with all of these emotions, with the ability to suffer, seemingly beyond survival. And He’s big and strong enough to take it. And He is crying with us, because He loves us that much. I know many of the questions. If God is in control (and He is) then why did He let this happen? And if He let it happen, why is He crying with me now? Some may try to come up with answers, but we’ll not know the answers this side of Heaven. And truthfully, what answer would suffice now? They’re gone. We’d love to see the good that has come from losing them, or the glory it brought to God. But we’d rather have them back with us. And the medical records thing, well, we just want some answers! But the truth is that we rely on the expertise of others every day. We count on them to do the best they can, to build the safest car, the fastest computer. We also count on them to provide the best medical help available. Sure, mistakes happen. But more likely, the doctor did everything he could. I'll continue in another comment.

Nov 30, 2011
your not alone
by: Jen

I am SO sorry to read your story it breaks my heart and seems like such an injustice. I just lost my 23yr old son and had to bury him last month (Oct.) it was devastating for me and no one can understand that loss accept someone who has experienced it. I still feel numb and like it's not real...that he is just away and coming back anyday - the pain is unbearable for me some days and various moments. I honestly don't know how I will figure out a way to live my life without him but I have to because I have other kids. Do you know of any grief support groups or are you attending one? I need some suggestions I have to find a way to get through this and I don't know how. I had to go back to work because I have to pay the bills and that's been so hard for me :(. Strange as it may seem it helped me to read your story today.....my heart is so broken I was very close to my son I am completely devastated. Hope to hear from you....
Jen

Nov 30, 2011
I understand, as much as that's possible
by: SoSadDad

Terri, I can't really understand your feelings, but I am experiencing the same feelings that you are. It's OK to be angry at God. He made us with all the feelings we have, and He understands the hurt we feel. And it not just OK to ask why, I think it's necessary. We'll never know the whole story this side of Heaven. Still, I often ask why He gave us these emotions but didn't give us the knowledge to understand the reasons behind these tragedies. Brenda and I lost Melanie, then 31, on 9/20/2009. Then we lost Jennifer, 28, just this July 16th. Add in Brenda's mom, her best friend, and her brother and it's been a terrible two years. BUT MAYBE THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO is to take on the blame for this tragedy. Believe me, I know the questions. Fathers also are supposed to take care of the family. Both of my girls died from drug overdoses. There are lots of things I could have done differently. But we're just not prepared for everything, and there are few resources out there offering assistance. So we do the best we can. But a car accident? Think seriously about what you could have done. And the medical treatment? We rely every day on others' expertise, and yes, very rarely some mistakes are made. But it's beyond our field of knowledge to be able to direct what happens, and there's no good reason to shoulder any guilt.

I wish I had answers, then I'd use them myself. The sad fact is that we are hurting like only bereaved parents can understand, and there's no way around it. The ONLY thing we can rely on is our faith, even when we question it and don't understand it's ways. One of my favourite lines is this: :"How long will my family, friends and co-workers be able to put up with my constant exhaustion, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, depression, self-pity and apparently irrational behaviour?" I hope they can handle it for a long time, because that's where I'll be, maybe until my dying day.

At six months, you probably have already experienced the distance some family, friends and co-workers have put between you. It's sad, but it's normal. They don't know what to say or do. Hve you heard of Compassionate Friends? They have been a lifesaver for me. It is an organization formed by bereaved parents to help bereaved parents. You can find local chapters here: www.compassionatefriends.org. They understand.

I wish there was more I could say. But we're here, and we'll always be here. They say it gets better, but not over, with time. I can't speak to that yet. I'm just so sorry that you are experiencing this awful horror that is losing a child.

God bless you!

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