Cannot get over this loss

by Monica

My dad died 1 week ago and I just don't feel like it's real. In fact, the feeling is quite surreal. He used to call me all the time, sometimes every day and ask me tons of questions about how I'm doing, what's going on and just small talk. He had had lung cancer 6 years ago and what he actually died from was years of complications from the large amount of radiation. He was in and out of the hospital all the time but every time he came back strong.

He was a big, burly man, very strong and always had a huge presence. He couldn't die! He would always be around! He had so many plans, still so many dreams of what he would do with his life after retiring. He worked until only a few months ago. He and my mom went away for New Years this past year and he drove more than 100 miles from the airport to where they stayed, he was fine! He can't be gone!

I sit here writing this and think that any minute my phone will ring or he'll walk down the hallway and I'll hear his voice. It doesn't seem real. I think every night when I go to bed that I'll wake up and it will have been just a dream, that he'll call me and say, haha I fooled you! He was always a jokester.

In some ways, I want this feeling to go away and deal with the reality and in some ways, I don't. I want to keep thinking he didn't really die. How will I go on without him? What will life be like? He was always the life of the party, the center of attention. What will happen now?

He went into the hospital one day just for a check because he was having trouble breathing and the next day his lung collapsed and he was put on a ventilator. 3 weeks later, he died. I never got to have a last conversation, no last good bye. He wanted to talk to me and cried when I left the hospital room while he was still aware and on the ventilator. I keep having this feeling that he didn't want to die although everyone says it was his time and now he is happy. I can't shake this feeling that he wasn't ready to go, he didn't want to die.

My sisters and brother and I were all there that day. We held his hand and told him it was ok. Still, I don't feel that it was. I just don't know where to go from here.