Cant Come To Terms With My Father's Death

by v
(India)

I lost my father to cancer on 10th October, 2013.He had colon cancer .Over the past five years, I saw him go through 4 surgeries and innumerable chemotherapies. I respect him so much for having gone through all the pain for the sake of my mother and me. Although in the end when he actually passed away, I felt a sense of relief to know that he no longer has to suffer, I just cant get used to not having him around.
My dad was a brave man, who always put him family before him, through the surgeries and over 70 chemos that he received, he never complained for once about any pain or side effect that he was having. And there were many!From rashes,to peripheral neuropathy,to grade 3-4 diarrhea,weight loss,nausea,to name a few!He went through everything from a 3 day long chemo to a 10 day stay in the ICU post op when he has severe cepticemia with a strong will and a smiling face.Literally! for 5 years not once did he make anyone feel like he was a patient.even in the end when his cancer metastasized to bone and as a result of which he had horrible pain in his legs and lower back. He refused to give in, to rest, and spent even his very last day working at home before we had no choice but to take him to a hospital. Even his oncologist said, that its unbelievable that he did not complain even when the morphine also stopped having effect on his pain.
I just feel horrible, and helpless thinking that my father was in pain, and there was nothing more I could do than put a painkiller patch on his body. As his daughter, I should have been able to help him fight the disease, but its soo sad that there was nothing I, my mom or the doctors could do little except for making him a little comfortable. Which by the way, I will never know if worked or not because sadly, dad was put on a ventilator for the entire duration of his last hospitalization, and he couldnt even write as his hands kept swelling due to numerous problems.
Its quite unfathomable to me that a person with such enormous zeal for life, a fighter in a true sense has to go at a young age of 55.
How does one ever get used to missing your role model, your dearest person, who loved you more than anyone else, and most importantly believed in you when no one else did, who gave you the confidence to be on your own, taught you to be a good human being by being a living example?
When does one really get over this acute numbness one feels over a 100 times a day as you realize for the nth time that your dad is never coming back? That you will never hear his voice again. That all this is not a nightmare but a reality.
Until before his passing, I used to think that knowing that he is a terminal cancer patient who only have a few more weeks to live is a blessing in disguise. Because at least we get to say our goodbyes. I was horribly mistaken. One thing I have learned is that, though the god gave me and my mother the opportunity to tell my father, that he can let go, that we will be ok, it doesn’t make living without him any easier. Especially when I am all alone and missing my dad, none of the above can make me feel better.
It’s like my entire world has turned upside down. I so wish at times that had it been me being diagnosed with cancer instead of my father, it would have been better. Because that way at least I would have had him with me till the end. :(
Rationally, I know that even if it wouldn’t have been cancer, it was not possible to have my father with me for the rest of my life. But when I look at other people whose parents are in their 70s or 80s I can’t help but wonder, why not my dad? Now for the first time in my life I know how it feels to have lost a part of yourself .forever!

Comments for Cant Come To Terms With My Father's Death

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Dec 01, 2013
Dads
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your story. My dad passed away on Oct 2013 from esophageal cancer. He was diagnosed April 16, 2013. He had never been sick at all in his life.
I can relate to your story so much. You said some very meaningful things and helpful because now I feel like I am not the only one with the same feelings.
Thank you again for sharing your feelings. It really did help me to read them.

Nov 14, 2013
Sorry for your loss...
by: S

Dear V,

I cried as I read your post...tears are pouring down my face, because I know how you feel when you say you can't come to terms with your Father's death.

It's still very raw for you, just a month, during which you probably had a buffer of shock and denial, but reality sets in and it's true, it's very difficult to get over such a loss.

Everything you described I can relate to - I lost my Father in August last year and you will survive, but nothing is ever the same again. Especially if the relationship was wonderful like the one we had with our Fathers.

I miss and think of him every day, many things remind me of him, and so many things make me sad that he isn't here to enjoy. Lots of triggers. Also lots of gratitude, and lots of personal growth. I'm sometimes surprised to discover new things I didn't know about him from my mom as we talk about him all the time.

The depth of our loss is the depth of our love for them - you are not alone, all of us on here have lost and share in that pain. I have a wonderful boyfriend to share it with, as he does with me the loss of his own Father too.

May you find comfort and peace in the memories of your Father, and praying for strength for you and family. God Bless

Nov 13, 2013
Dear V
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your father. I lost my Dad in January, and I still can't come to terms with it. My father died suddenly. No illness, no warning....fine one day and gone the next. I didn't have a chance to say goodbye, only to hold his hand while he was in the ER, unconscious from cardiac arrest. I am an only child, and even as an adult, I was a Daddy's girl. He was always there for me, believed in me, when nobody else did. We talked about everything. From the serious stuff to the trivial. I miss him more and more each day, and the the days and years stretch out ahead of me, without him. I understand your pain, and I hope you can find some comfort here. The people who post here understand, sadly we are all suffering. I will pray for you and your family. I hope you can begin to heal and cherish the wonderful memories of your father. Wishing you peace, Barb.

Nov 13, 2013
Can't Come to terms with my father's death
by: Doreen UK

V I know that you wish you should have helped your father fight the cancer, but YOU COULDN'T. My husband had a deadly terminal cancer caused by working with Asbestos in the workplace. He was in his 20's and cutting this material caused the dust to start a slow growing tumour for 40yrs when it manifests itself. He worked hard for over 47yrs. of his working life. He was due to retire from work and died 11 months into his retirement with a bad quality of life. Due to chemotherapy he developed blood clots and had to have daily injections in his abdomen for over 3 months. He developed shingles in his eyes, and pneumonia. He had numerous other sufferings and he didn't want to die. He was a body builder in his young life and died weak and thin and in so much pain. It was so very hard to watch someone you love so much die slowly from this disease of cancer. I am happy he is not in pain anymore but I miss him so much. Life is so cruel when cancer develops. The whole family suffer because there is really nothing you can do but to care deeply for your loved one. I am sure you and you mum did this to the best of your ability. I can't believe he has gone sometimes. He died 18 months ago.
All you can do now is to take ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I got through my days of grief. You will grieve on going for months but gradually you will recover in time. Healing is such a slow process. Your mother lost a husband. My children lost a father and so I know how it feels at both ends, watching my children go through their grief. I am sorry for your loss of your father. May God comfort you all and give you His Peace.

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