Cant Come To Terms With My Father's Death
I lost my father to cancer on 10th October, 2013.He had colon cancer .Over the past five years, I saw him go through 4 surgeries and innumerable chemotherapies. I respect him so much for having gone through all the pain for the sake of my mother and me. Although in the end when he actually passed away, I felt a sense of relief to know that he no longer has to suffer, I just cant get used to not having him around.
My dad was a brave man, who always put him family before him, through the surgeries and over 70 chemos that he received, he never complained for once about any pain or side effect that he was having. And there were many!From rashes,to peripheral neuropathy,to grade 3-4 diarrhea,weight loss,nausea,to name a few!He went through everything from a 3 day long chemo to a 10 day stay in the ICU post op when he has severe cepticemia with a strong will and a smiling face.Literally! for 5 years not once did he make anyone feel like he was a patient.even in the end when his cancer metastasized to bone and as a result of which he had horrible pain in his legs and lower back. He refused to give in, to rest, and spent even his very last day working at home before we had no choice but to take him to a hospital. Even his oncologist said, that its unbelievable that he did not complain even when the morphine also stopped having effect on his pain.
I just feel horrible, and helpless thinking that my father was in pain, and there was nothing more I could do than put a painkiller patch on his body. As his daughter, I should have been able to help him fight the disease, but its soo sad that there was nothing I, my mom or the doctors could do little except for making him a little comfortable. Which by the way, I will never know if worked or not because sadly, dad was put on a ventilator for the entire duration of his last hospitalization, and he couldnt even write as his hands kept swelling due to numerous problems.
Its quite unfathomable to me that a person with such enormous zeal for life, a fighter in a true sense has to go at a young age of 55.
How does one ever get used to missing your role model, your dearest person, who loved you more than anyone else, and most importantly believed in you when no one else did, who gave you the confidence to be on your own, taught you to be a good human being by being a living example?
When does one really get over this acute numbness one feels over a 100 times a day as you realize for the nth time that your dad is never coming back? That you will never hear his voice again. That all this is not a nightmare but a reality.
Until before his passing, I used to think that knowing that he is a terminal cancer patient who only have a few more weeks to live is a blessing in disguise. Because at least we get to say our goodbyes. I was horribly mistaken. One thing I have learned is that, though the god gave me and my mother the opportunity to tell my father, that he can let go, that we will be ok, it doesn’t make living without him any easier. Especially when I am all alone and missing my dad, none of the above can make me feel better.
It’s like my entire world has turned upside down. I so wish at times that had it been me being diagnosed with cancer instead of my father, it would have been better. Because that way at least I would have had him with me till the end. :(
Rationally, I know that even if it wouldn’t have been cancer, it was not possible to have my father with me for the rest of my life. But when I look at other people whose parents are in their 70s or 80s I can’t help but wonder, why not my dad? Now for the first time in my life I know how it feels to have lost a part of yourself .forever!