can't wrap my mind around any of this

by sadattimes78
(united states)

My fiance and I had been together for almost 7 years....his sister(whom I worked with at the time) had introduced us. He had this huge crush on me for years before we even met. We hit it off right away, perhaps moved too fast in the first year and almost broke up because of it. But we decided to slow things down and things became much better.
Eventually we got engaged, almost bought a house together, but that fell through because of it being a short sale, however we were still looking at more houses. Quite some time had passed, and now we have accumulatedquite a bit of debt. I was working two jobs to help pay things down. I always made time for us, no matter how exhausted I was or whatever, as did he.
Fastforward a couple more now I had quit my part time job, however my full time job switch our hours on us, which meant I went from working 3pm-11:30 to now 7pm-430am. We only saw each other on weekends and the occasional day during the week. I have been trying to get a new job, and he saw my efforts. Three weeks ago, on a Tuesday, he hit me with "we never see each other anymore. l don't feel the same anymore. I love you but im not in love with you anymore. " The rest of the week we would still talk as we normally did, but that Friday when I was talking to him on my dinner break, I knew things were different. He was just so cold and distant. We made plans to do something the following day. No phone call came. And I never tried to contact him because I figured he needed space. About a week later, I found out he was using our joint account where my pay check went in. I sent him a text and said "what gives? Im not good enough to talk to, but you can use my money? " he sent me one back and said " I needed some time to see if things would change and they haven't. I would like to be friends in the future cause you're a cool person and we do need to discuss who is going to pay what. DO NOT CALL ME CAUSE I WON'T ANSWER. " just like that, seven years gone through a text message. ...I haven't tried to contact him at all this whole the way, we are talking about a 36 year old man and im so lost, confused....I dont know what to make of any of this and how this ended up happening. No fighting for us, no consideration for our kids and how they feel (we each have a child from previous relationships who have come to see each other as brothers)....nothing. ...i just dont get it.

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Jun 22, 2013
can't wrap my mind around any of this
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of relationship with your partner. It is also very difficult when one partner is making most of the effort whilst the other is dragging their feet and not co-operating. You would expect that the older the person is there would be some maturity in handling a relationship, but I feel it is the opposite. Relationships are fracturing more and more today due to difficulties with Time for each other and Financially trying to juggle so much in just living.
I think you could benefit from seeing a counsellor if only to help you cope with what is going on now. You may not be able to save this relationship as you need co-operation from your partner and if he is not giving it,~~~ it will make things more difficult for you. He has cut you off in a very cruel and ABRUPT manner with a text message which tells you nothing BUT leaves you in LIMBO. You both had expectations and they were reasonable. Not spending a lot of time together is not good enough reason for your partner to behave the way he is doing right now. It is UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOUR. I suspect more is going on here that he is not saying. Maintain your dignity. Don't appease him with excuses as to why he is cutting you off with a text message when he should be more responsive and TALK TO YOU. DISCUSS things in a MATURE WAY.
My husband was an exhibition carpenter and he worked all over our country of England and the world for 47yrs. We were married 44yrs. and I saw little of him. I had to bring 3 Adult children up without him most of the time. But I just got on with what I had to do. he often came home tired and fell asleep. WE didn't have good quality time together. This was to come when he retired. He then developed cancer from Asbestos he worked with. He died 14 months ago. 11months into retirement. He died a slow death over 3yrs.39days. I was his caregiver. I LOVED THIS MAN WITH ALL MY HEART. I didn't get my needs met. He was too busy working for his family while I stayed home to be mother. I saw my marriage as a COMMITTMENT. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. TILL DEATH DO US PART. That is how I got through life, but also with the help of a relationship with God in my life. This is what got me through.
If your partner is not COMMITTED to a relationship with you. You may have to make life easier for all of you by accepting that he won't change if he won't talk to you. Either way you have to make plans to continue to build a life for you and the children. If he won't contact you how is his child from his other relationship coping? Who is caring for this child?
My sister in Australia married a man who gave her four children and then left her with his other four children from his first marriage. She adopted those children and became the BEST MOTHER she could to 8 abandoned children. It is possible to move on when we can do nothing to change our circumstances. Best wishes.

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