by SWARAJ YADAV
MANU AS A INDIAN ARMY DOCTOR
It was tragic end of my son’s life. His death is still an unsolved mystery for me. Though it was ruled as suicide by the police of Goa. Mystery in the sense, because I did not find any reason of committing suicide by my son till today. Though I am trying every hook and corner to convince me, but I failed.
I got the message from his commanding officer on 08.08.2008 at 12 noon at my home. I was so surprised and shocked because Manu was calling me regularly on phone and was in contact except on 7th Aug. I had also visited him in June 2008. He was perfectly fit and fine healthy and happy. We had visited with him almost all North GOA and he had promised to show us south Goa in our coming trip. Also he was planning to come on leave for a week in coming Sept. to assist his brother-in-law for an operation case at Delhi.
So the first thought was of any foul play raised in our mind. Because when he came to see off us at the airport, during his driving to airport, he had discussed a matter of 90 lakhs grant and putting sign as a member of any purchasing committee. But the inquiry committee of the army had ruled out this. Also they completed the inquiry without taking my full statement.
The police also even did not take the first evident statement on 08.08.08. The statements were taken of all concerns only after we demanded the copies of statements through RTI ACT to file the case. The police did not even take any fingerprints or any required steps for investigation of the case to satisfy us.
When we arrived there on 9th Aug, my son's room was opened for us by the police. It was amazing; we were almost 9 members in my son’s room and searching, touching everything of my son's, even his mobile and laptop. The police were only silent observers at that time. I think it was great negligence of duty for the evidence at the site. We made every effort to register the case for murder, but the police did not register the case yet. We both are in govt. service and quite far from The Goa. So we had failed and it is bitter shame for us. We couldn’t do any thing for our son.
The police and army both were of the opinion of committing suicide by him. Then losing my heart, I had started the search of causes of suicide on the WEBSITES. I found one statement that, "untreated depression is the major cause of suicide” Then I started to search about the causes of depression. I found nothing that would get him depressed.
But his friends told me about his changed attitude, which they were observing for some time. Though I had never noticed it because he was talking with us quite normally and discussing every matter with interest. But I worked on it and found some facts relating to Manu, which could make him depressed; as when he was in NATHULA in oct., 2007, he had some problem with his C.O. for checking and granting fake medical certificates of two jawans according to C.O. (Which he had regretted). He was very much disturbed and broken at that time, because his C.O threatened him to spoil his A C R, and that would badly affect his entire career.
At that time he told me that he was badly depressed. But later, the matter was finished in his favor and he was transferred to MH PANJI. It was his choice station. Again he told me sometime in May 2008 that he was depressed. I asked him why? He answered, I don’t know. I had advised him to do yoga, exercise, pray to lord Shiva and concentrate on his studies.
I found there was not any serious thing with him, it was only a burden of exams as usual. But I asked my daughter about it; whether Manu talked to her like this? She said, NO, hence she advised me to make a trip to him and observe it. I agreed and thus I made my trip to him in June.
As I had written before he was happy and normal. I did not talk to him about it but observed minutely. There was not any sign of depression; maybe I was wrong at that time, because for me depression was just a modern term for the young people, who use this word off and on.
Once in late July he called me and said he felt fear. I was surprised and asked why? He told me, nothing Aise hi kaha hai. Then I advised him to close his doors while sleeping. Because during my visit I had found that he used to sleep with his doors open, even net doors also. While I had asked him he answered me nothing to worry, yahan koi chori nahin hoti. So I was convinced with his answer, and did not take it seriously. Perhaps it was my blunder, my mistake.
On 21st July 2008 he made a promise to his papa on his birthday to get clear his PG ENTRANCE EXAM. And told me he had closed his ORKUT site. I thought now he had become serious about his studies. Then He told me on 27th July he is going to PUNE on T.D. for a week. He went there on 28th or 29th July and came back on 3rd or 4th Aug. From there he was in contact with us regularly; after coming back he told me every detail of his journey.
He called me on 4th and 5th also. On 6th I called him at night. He was on his night duty and studying at that time. I found nothing to think him depressed. His C.O. and his seniors and all are also writing in their statements that there was no sign of depression, he was behaving normally and doing his duty sincerely. Except his friends, who were talking about his changed behavior?
Question is this, if, he was depressed, why could nobody could recognize it? I failed because I was contacting him only on phone; couldn’t see him and talk to him directly, face to face. But his C.O. and all his Doctors and officers who were in his direct contact and talking with him also failed to notice him as depressed. If he was not depressed then why had he committed suicide? Nobody tried to find out the reason. Were there another problems from his seniors or office as he had faced before? That’s why he was afraid and avoiding to make trouble for us again?
After getting back his mobile and laptop from the custody of police sometime in March 2009, I again started to search them to get some clues. There was a text on the mobile in which he had written the word fear and did not want to live with it. Again I had started to recollect the words which MANU had said before. I found him depressed, because according to the website, fear is the major stage of depression.
Now I started to believe his friend’s views that his behavior was changed, he was talking less, and avoiding to meet anyone. But it is surprising that he was talking with us very nicely and taking interest in every matter, even he had a talk to his sister on that fatal night (7th Aug) for 10 minutes and made the future plan of his leave, and wanted to talk with his nephew.
He was sharing his all problems with us; then why did he not share this problem? Had he any pressure on him? That’s why he was giving me only signals and not talking in details? Which I could not understand till today. If his depression was in a major stage, then how had he attended his T.D. at Pune and completed it nicely?
He had put some blank massages on the net on 2nd Aug., as his friend told me now. But at that time he was in touch with us, and I did not find any sign of depression in his talking.
Which type of mother I am? Maybe I could not guess, as I had no idea about the depression at that time. But my son was a doctor himself, and all his friends, seniors, papa, sister and brother-in-law except me, are doctors, ALL HAD FAILED TO JUDGE HIM!
Here at MH PANJIM all were talking, seeing him directly at his working place and even eating and sitting in OFFICERS MESS at night on that day. Could they not judge him as depressed? Which type of doctors are they? I am sure they had the knowledge, but are hiding it for some reasons. Again I had some doubts. That why his C.O. is giving his statement so confidently that he was not depressed, but committed suicide. Then who forced him to do so? Why was he was afraid? Again 90 LAKH and sign matter is creating suspense in my mind. Inquiry committee and their workings are also suspicious. The attitude of Police who take this case is also not satisfactory.
If all are right and did their job sincerely, God knows all. Then I am an unfortunate mother who couldn’t recognize him as depressed. And accept the truth that my son is no more now. He was my brave child, who called his death himself and accepts it bravely and willingly. But I can not forgive myself for it.
I WEPT BECAUSE GOD WAS UNFAIR, AND BECAUSE THIS WAS THE WAY GOD REPAID THOSE WHO BELIEVED IN HIM VERY MUCH.