Four months ago today the man I spent 32 years of my life with died. My husband had been sick for a long time but he was never sick in bed he had a lot of health issues. We always knew he would probably go first but I never saw it coming. The past two or three years had been the best and the good times lasted for long periods where we were just happy. I never understood grief. During the first part of things I was very strong encouraging others and letting everyone who was concerned about me know that I was alright and I was. But tonight I sit here trying to find out what is wrong with me. I told my daughter the other day I don"t know where I went. Where is Carol I can't find her. I don"t know who I am anymore. It's like I died to. So tonight I'm trying to find me. Tonight is one of the few times that I have cried. Thanksgiving just past and I was not able to spend time with family I just wanted to be alone. This grief thing is a process and it's not easy you can't rush through it. I find that I am just now able to admit that I am going through the stages of grief. I thought that because I believed in God that this process was going to be a cake walk but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I have experienced death before but I never saw all this pain and bewilderment coming. I thought after a couple of weeks I would be back to my old self. However my old self included a partner that I no longer have.
To all of you who have just started on this rollercoaster ride - I know how you feel - two years since my darling died - and I miss him evry day. What Carol said about - where has carol gone - rings very true - for a long time I didn't feel like "me" - then came the realisation (from reading posts on this site mostly) - that I would never get that "me" back - that was the jules that was part of a couple - and my partner wasn't coming back. It will get less harrowing, believe me - but the instances of devestating grief will get further and further apart - though you will have meltdowns occasionally, usually in times of stress. Keep coming to this site - read older posts, join the Grief Club - speak out without fear of censure or misunderstanding, we have been there, we know what you are going through - and we are open 24/7 - Every day - one step, one breath - take care jules
Fnding yourself by: Judith in Californiaj
Carol, all of us widows are searching for ourselves now I had a very telling dream last night ...it was me just walking up and down an area looking for something . It seemed to go on for ever. When I awoke my first thought was "i'm never going to find what I'm looking for because he is gone". To never find the love i had before with him breaks my heart. So I have spent the day crying and being sick with the flu and feeling so alone . I know we pray Oh God make it stop but he knows we must go through all the feelings in order to heal. It's been a year and two months for me.
I love the last statement you made about finding our old self is hard because we were part of couple.
God bless you on this most devestatingly hard journey.
Love of my lie by: Pat J
Carol, I can so relate to how you are feeling. Five months ago, yesterday, I lost the love of my life. My husband died of a massive heart attack, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary. He had health issues, but we were told he was not dying. Doctors don't know everything, only God knows when our time on this earth is done. I too feel a part of me died with him. I don't like this life that I have been given, because of his death. We were such home-bodies; just enjoyed being home snd together. I have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren, yet feel so lonely most of the time. I wonder if I will ever truly be happy again. Keep coming to this site. It really helps me. I also joined a grief support group and have bonded with three other widows. We get together and do things together. We will never have our husbands again in this life, but I truly believe we will be together again in another life. We can talk about our husbands and our losses. We truly understand and really GET IT.
