Four months ago today the man I spent 32 years of my life with died. My husband had been sick for a long time but he was never sick in bed he had a lot of health issues. We always knew he would probably go first but I never saw it coming. The past two or three years had been the best and the good times lasted for long periods where we were just happy. I never understood grief. During the first part of things I was very strong encouraging others and letting everyone who was concerned about me know that I was alright and I was. But tonight I sit here trying to find out what is wrong with me. I told my daughter the other day I don"t know where I went. Where is Carol I can't find her. I don"t know who I am anymore. It's like I died to. So tonight I'm trying to find me. Tonight is one of the few times that I have cried. Thanksgiving just past and I was not able to spend time with family I just wanted to be alone. This grief thing is a process and it's not easy you can't rush through it. I find that I am just now able to admit that I am going through the stages of grief. I thought that because I believed in God that this process was going to be a cake walk but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I have experienced death before but I never saw all this pain and bewilderment coming. I thought after a couple of weeks I would be back to my old self. However my old self included a partner that I no longer have.