Changed forever without my mum
My mum died suddenly in August 2012. She had never been to a doctor in her life and was always on the go. I assumed she would live to be a very old woman not a young 63. She was the most caring mum and grandmother to my boys that you could ever imagine. I am an only child so I felt the force of her love all the time, her constant need to make sure I was ok, to do everything for me even if it was to her own detriment. So the first feeling I had was that the person who loved me most was gone. The person who loved my children as much as me was gone. Loneliness hit like a hurricane. Constant crying, afraid the crying would never stop. Fear was the next one. Fear I would have a breakdown. Then numb.. all over.. Just getting through the day for my children.
It has now been 8 months and I can honestly tell you than I am changed inside and out. I am a different person to whom I was before August 12th 2012. Dealing with the loss has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Their have been moments of feeling that I had lost my sanity. Moments of fear that life was never going to be ok again.
Not having siblings made the loneliness worse because I felt that nobody understood, nobody else was her daughter so nobody else understood what I was going through. I had never wanted siblings more in my whole life.
But now something is starting to change in me. I am seeing this as a turning point in my life. A crossroads where I can accept that she is no longer on earth and she is looking down on me every day willing me to do better. The other option is keep feeling guilty for not realizing she was amazing, for not doing more for her, for being so wrapped up in my own busy life that I didn't know she was suffering.
Which option do you think she would want me to take?
Life can be a very long time and I know that something like this makes you question your mortality but we are only here once and when we are forced to dig deep and find our courage and strength a new you emerges ready to face anything. I believe that something good comes from everything and encourage you all to dig deep, find that strength and enjoy your life.
You know they want you to...