childhood sweetheart left after 18 years together

by jon

Well, it's still raw but where do I begin. Ok me and my wife met in high school, she is a few years younger but even at that age had maturity and looks beyond her years. We were each others first loves and we're married at 18 and 22. We moved into our home the day after we married. To be honest the first few years tested me, she wasn't used to living on our own and had confidence issues (even though she is vert pretty and curvy), some of these issues attributed to how she was raised. Always look your best etc.etc. anyway, for the first 2 years we argued but it was a sign of our immaturity. I nearly had an affair but stopped before it became serious because I loved her, she never knew this. Fast forward a few years, we bought a new house, had a dog and a cat, both of us in good ,well paid jobs in management and following a few difficult years financially, we were doing ok. We had tried for children but she has issues, so we went for treatment that put her and us through some heartache as she didn't conceive.
A few years later i developed OCD, i became a germ phone. I tried to get help but didn't work and i just suffered with it. I became withdrawn, gave up some hobbies and was mentally exhausted everyday. I didn't realise that my wife was suffering the effects of this and my mood darkened. I became cynical and didn't tell her how i felt about her and how i was. I was still holding down a good job, well paid but stressful job. After a few years of my convincing myself that i could cope she separated from me last year. Mainly due to her not feeling loved by me due to my mood caused by ocd. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't at fault but it wasn't all plain sailing, she could argue and not always see thingsfrom my point of view. We bboth became lazy and almost too similar. The house was ok but never good enough, like it was never finished. We had pretty much what we wanted but i had lost some spark with her and regained it a few times over the years. To my knowledge we never cheated and trusted each other very much. Our family life was good and our issues were pretty standard in a marriage. Sorry I've gone on here. Ok we separated October 13, i went for help with ocd and it really did help. This angered her that i had gone to get help only because we separated, to be honest i didn't think it would but i found a good therapist and worked really hard. She was happy for me but angry and she became selfish saying i made her feel like she could never do anything like go out without worrying about my ocd. I never really asked her to do anything but as my therapist put it, she was an enabler, not her fault, not mine. I found it harder to really communicate after this and she always bottled her feelings up, which usually meant an eruption down the line. She also said i unknowingly made her feel bad, unloved etc.
i always loved her and i took me 3 months to convince her that i was working on my ocd and that i loved her very much. I moved back in new year 14. In trod on eggshells for first few months, she said she was still in love but the lead up to separation took some shine off. The following 3 months were good, my ocd was improved, we had fun, got out more and appeared that we got on better than we had in years and i was a lot more at home with my feelings and told her i loved her and showed her. We again started to talk about having kids and we remodelled our house. Then we get in august, she fell ill and was under a lot of stress at work. I noticed she was confiding to her mom, step dad and step brother , nothing unusual there but she was telling them first , she said she didn't want to worry me whilst I was at work. Anyway she was ill but was ok and again we talked about i v f treatment and possibility of moving house. I told her that we needed to enjoy this house and de stress and start to get out again. We went on holiday and it didn't seem like she rested well as we went with my parent, brother and his kids. 2 days back and she signs off work with stress for 2 weeks. I've asked her what is wrong and even asked if we were ok, she said we were ok but still working on stuff. This surprised me, I had changed got better and 5 es I didn't expect us to fix things quickly she didn't give me a reason to believe we had issues. I was worried about her health and mindset with work etc. She told me she loved me and wanted kids etc.
we always had chemistry and spark, see was never an issue and we were at a point where we had been married 12 years, together for 18 and felt like finally we had no worries. How wrong was I.
3 weeks ago, I noticed she became distant and she wasn't the same, it was only a few days and she was still off work with stress, i was worried and sat up all night. The next morning I asked her to open up because she wasn't doing that for last few months, well she did but it was always about work and illness. Then she dropped the bomb, i don't love you anymore, I want a divorce. I was shellshocked. Almost a year since our mini separation, thought we were ok and now this. I ccouldn't understand as she had told me she loved, we never lied to each other when we said those 3 words as our parents had bought us up to respect marriage and love. So for a week I was calling her as she moved to her mom's. It all seemed sudden, most of our friends said they were shocked, some even said no way it could be someone else as she had never strayed etc. Wrong again, a week later she told me she had feelings for someone else.....I thought who, she wouldn't have the time for my shock it was her stepbrother (by marriage) who was 12 years her senior, married to his 3rd wife and had 5 kids. He also has 2 grown up kids whom he was never been a good dad to. Anyway this guy is a real loser, my wife has been his biggest critic saying he is weak, emotionally unstable, a border line alcoholic who never lasted in a marriage and usually finds vulnerable partners as it's easier for him to latch onto. We knew he was having marriage problems again. Anyway, she now states she loves him, has had feelings for 5 months that have grown. She says they have a connection. Basically he has fed her what she wants to hear. She said it isn't a physical attraction and they have only kissed once. She said she knew our marriage was over as she doesn't do that to me, she said the spark went in last 8 weeks, i didn't see it until last week and that's when she kissed him. She and him are now an item, she says she didn't leave me for him as she was going to leave anyway. However when I asked her if she lied about kids and telling me she loved me a few weeks before, she said no. So this is blowing my mind. Now she has moved out in her mom's with him, she has taken some abuse from family and his wife as he left her the day after she left me. She states she never knew he was going to but she did. For the last few weeks I have lost my job, and have been trying to come to terms. Everyone is in shock. She was angry with me and said this wouldn't of happened if i had done something about my ocd earlier. I asked her why get bsck, why not either try to work it out or just finish if she developed feelings for him. I dont feel ashamed because nobody saw this coming, i couldn't make it up. She came round yesterday to tell me that it's physical now, and she is talking to me like she wants me to get over it and treating me like I had an affair and like I'm a stranger. She said they understand each other and want to spend there life's together. Nothing makes sense, I believe her about not a physical affair but it was an emotional one. But she is acting out of character and it's very sudden. When I went through stuff, she said it's different, that they have connection. When I asked her what else and pointed out her previous evaluation of his character traits, she let her guard down and looked worried. She seemed surprised that i reacted with disgust when she told me she slept with him, but got upset when I asked how she would feel if I slept with a woman. I know it's over and it's like she has put up a barrier to me. How do I move on, i know there is something there, nothing makes sense and she is acting like I never existed. Most likely to put me off wanting her back but this isn't her. She says he loves her for her, i do too, just I changed. I told her she needs time on her own, it's been 18 years and we've only ever known each other and that she knows she has doubts. Should I just give up, but how do l let go. Sorry for the long story.

Comments for childhood sweetheart left after 18 years together

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Oct 31, 2014
childhood sweetheart left after 18 years together
by: Doreen UK

Jon even long relationships break down more easily these days. No matter how much you work at it. It isn't unheard of for step brother and sister to fall in love and forge a close connection and relationship with each other. It sounds bizarre because of the relation within the family that makes it sound unnatural.
One of the greatest difficulties is trying to move on when you have a strong bond with someone and you also have an emotional connection. It leaves many people devastated and unable to let go. It will take a long time for you to heal from this break up. If you find yourself struggling at all you should see a grief counselor to enable you to move forward better and to have a safe environment in order to grieve and talk about your feelings which must be all tied up and can be hard to separate.
You cannot force yourself on anyone in the same way you cannot make a relationship work by force. I am sorry for your loss. Taking one day at a time is the best way forward. I was married for 44yrs. and lost my husband to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago and I am only just starting to heal. It has been a very long and tough journey. But in time you will recover.

Oct 31, 2014
Sad What people Do
by: Anonymous

Why do you waste time and energy on someone who deserves it the least?
Leave her alone and let her be. You need to work on you and then look for someone else who doesn't have self esteem issues. She was very unsure of herself all the time. It wasn't about you, it was her problem. You can't fix her. She has made her choice and let her live with it. She can blame you because that deflects off of what she did. Stay away from her. Yes it hurts but you need to think about your circumstance now.

You need to work on you now. Find a job, beome the man you need to be so the next woman will appreiate you and stop obsessing about your ex.
She's just not into you anymore. Move on.

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