Childless mother...
by Deborah
(California)
Over the last several years I've lost seven babies. Every one of them at a different point in the pregnancy. Yet, it doesn't matter. It hurts.... With the first four, I managed to bounce back fast. I made myself so busy that for years I didn't have time to take a breath. Thanks to my need to be busy and ignore my pain, I put myself thru school. Yet, it wasn't as easy to bounce back from the last three babies.
I am a childless mother.... One that has given birth four times and has nothing to show for it but empty hands and an aching heart... I've seen my body go thru the changes that pregnancy mandates. I have opened my heart time and time again to the possibility that this time will be it. That this time I'll be able to carry to full term and I'll be able to bring home my baby. But it hasn't happened...
I can't find any more buffers to keep me distracted. I can't find no where to hide. I have reached a turning point. A point in my life when I'm forced to deal with the pain. Trust me, I'm still looking for some type of distraction to avoid reality, but in my heart I know I can't run no more. Is time to face the music. Is time to deal with the pain, the disappointment, the anger, the anguish... A part of me wants to keep on running, but I want to heal. I want to move on with the rest of my life. I want to become an emotionally healthy human being.... I want to rise above the pain....