Christine

I was with my ex husband for 22 years when he turned round and told me he didn't love me anymore.
I have no proof that he was having an affair, but he left for someone he had worked with while he was away ten weeks after he left me!
And I think she was a bit more dynamic than me Id never had a career as Id stayed home to bring up the children. Which I thought we both felt was very important.
He has always been a go-getter but soon everything we did became a challenge; even going for a nice walk became something he had to make into a competition. Lets go faster or further type of thing. It was horrid for me who hates that kind of pressure. I wanted to relax on the walk and enjoy it for what it was. Enjoying the scenery and being in nature.

I didn't easily find work when the kids left home I had no qualifications or experience and felt I could never live up to what he'd achieved in all the years he'd been working Which was silly of me; but because of how pushy he was regards everything else. Wanting so much out of what we did. I started to fantasize that Id have to almost become a 'brain surgeon' to earn his respect.
He started to loose his sexual desire for me and I knew something was wrong as he'd never had 'issues' or found me unattractive before.

He left me in a horrid way saying cruel things and refusing to have anything further to do with me despite our youngest (a daughter) being only 16 years old. Our two older boys had to pass on messages and be 'piggy in the middle' which was totally unfair.


My Ex told me I'd been a good mother but not a good wife...........which was devastating to me but I started to believe it even though it was untrue.

He left me and that was really the end of everything.

I still get upset about the way things ended despite it being nearly 14 years ago. I've written many letters and never sent them. Its helped sometimes!!

But in general I still have issues regarding proper relationships and I am still not confident regarding trust with men. I seek out friendships with benefits.......... but in my heart Id like a proper commitment.
My self esteem is very low and I've been out of work for a long time again. I've had lots of counseling but it comes back to me time after time. With lots of negative thoughts and behavior.

I've had lots of loss (losing both parents as a teenager)so I doubt my divorce is the only factor. I am seeing Mind the mental health service to try and gain some much needed confidence.

Loss is a horrid thing no matter how it happens.

Love to all and take care of yourselves

Comments for Christine

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May 09, 2014
Christine
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this loss. I read your story with interest because I have just recently lost my wife of 26 years to a terrible cancer and the pain is unbearable. The link if I can call it that to your story is that this was my second wife. My first marriage of 16 years ended in divorce. My wife at that time met somebody else and decided that he was better than me. She left me with two teenagers and nevr looked back. I am not a violent man, non-smoker and only a social drinker. I was a work-alcoholic that's true and I worked hard long hours to get ahead. I also expected the same level of effort from my wife. I expected a clean home and at least supper three of four nights a week. I wanted to provide for my family but at the same time I must now admit that my successes at work really fueled my ego so my motives were srtucly admirable if you know what I mean. The point I am trying to make is that while I may not have been the best husband in the world, I did not deserve what I got. I found myself alone to raise my two kids, maintain my job and hang onto some sort of sanity. When I met the man she left me for, I was so devastated, deflated and embarassed. He was younger and probably better looking than me but he was a loser as far as I am concerned. The fact that she left me for him really hurt my sense of self. I was down on myself for a long time. My wife started to do the same things you describe with your husband. She started to go out with "friends" in the evening, refuse my advances, criticize my appearance, make large withdrawals from our joint bank account with nothing to show for it....I should have suspected but I didn't. It took a while but I eventually came to grips with the fact that she preferred someone else. I learned that they had split up and I felt sorry for her but I have no desire to re-unite. I had established my self esteem and self worth. I had my kids and I had found some balance with my work life and regained my faith in God. I attended a Divorce Care group at my church and that very helpful. After 3 years by myself I met a very wonderful lady and we were married. I had 26 wonderful years with her and lost her to cancer on February 13, 2014. I have never ever hurt so much as I am hurting now. This is even more painful for me than the divorce was. And I am strictly talking about me. My divorce did not kill me and in some ways made me stronger. The death of my wife will not kill me either and I will somehow get through this. Be kind to yourself Christine. My sense is that you are a good person who was not appreciated. I pray that things will turn around for you and that you will find employment. Take care

May 09, 2014
Christine
by: Doreen UK

Christine,
I am so sorry for your loss of your husband to divorce.
You are an amazing ARTICULATE woman who has done THE MOST WONERFUL job in the world being a MOTHER and rearing your children which is THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD. Everything else is secondary.
The way your husband has made you feel has assaulted your self esteem. Your husband doesn't DEFINE who you are. YOU DO. Start by doing one good thing for yourself each day and build on this EVERY DAY till it becomes a way of life. You will be building yourself up. After my counselling I started in my 40's I became a more positive person. What you need to do is to BUILD YOURSELF UP when there is no one else to do this. Also give yourself a lot of encouragement by replacing any negative thought with a positive thought as if you were turning it round. This will also help build yourself up. Writing the letters that you didn't send will have helped you in a therapeutic way. Perhaps time now to shred them with a view to moving forward. If you are re-reading these letters it is only going to upset you and make you feel distress for what you have lost. Letting Go is always hard. But the only way to move forward.
Your husband saying he didn't love you anymore was only because he had someone else in his life who was DIFFERENT, but not necessary BETTER than you. (This, He will find out in time!). Do not let any future relationship/person DEFINE WHO YOU ARE! When we have reared children and have no career we lose our identity and perhaps self esteem. This is normal. Spend time FINDING YOURSELF. Loving yourself for who you are! Never compare yourself to anyone else and don't allow anyone else to compare you to another. You will become more confidant and be attractive to other's because of a healthy self esteem. People can often treat us by how we carry ourselves and how we think of ourselves. Know yourself well and no one can tell you anything that can confuse you. You can then answer them with confidence and shut them up this way. Enjoy your freedom and go and make your life happen the way you want it to. (without self examination or judgement). Best wishes.

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