Christmas 2012

Christmas.

First,/third/ thirteenth? I don’t think it will make any real difference-apart from the fact I don’t want to be here for this one, never mind the next- or any after! Why must I go on?

I have ‘cancelled’ my first Christmas without my darling husband. I gave all our decorations to a charity shop, after he died, aged 56, nine months ago, because I understood then that I wouldn't be able to surround myself with the trappings of Christmas ever again. I've asked friends/family not to send presents or cards because I knew I couldn’t cope with opening them alone...Thankfully, they have all agreed.

I found myself standing outside a shop yesterday, waiting with fingers in my ears, as they belted out ‘It will be lonely this Christmas without you’...and I only wanted to buy some milk!

I admire those who have the strength to ‘move forward’.
But for me, the clichés aren’t working . I ‘died’ nine months ago when my husband took his last breath.

People say the good die young. Is that why I can’t I be with him?

I don't want to 'survive' in this world. Why would anyone want to survive without their soulmate?

Comments for Christmas 2012

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Jan 02, 2013
New Year Celebrations? Our Limitations!
by: Doreen U.K.

Alassia Thank You for your comments. I Know the world goes on and many people are excited about the NEW YEAR and what it may hold and making New Year's resolutions. THIS HAS ENDED FOR ME. I think it will have ended for most of us now. This is normal. Our joy from life has Gone and we are not expected to go with the 'Norm'.

I applaud you for TRYING to have coffee at 10 church at 12 and lunch with a friend. Many people would expect it of us that we are making an effort whilst dying inside trying. Don't beat yourself up. YOU TRIED. It wasn't meant to be. Our mind is saying one thing and our body is acting another way. The two can't come together yet. You will know When. It is a hard place to be. Our bodies are all broken and beaten up with grief whilst our minds are active and alert and running fast. You were being true to yourself. You did exactly what you were meant to do. Stay at home, and if this was to have a good cry, you were Grieving. This is something we can't postpone otherwise it will catch up with us and make us ill.
Thank you for sharing this it helped me also to see the rawness of our grief and also our humanity and our LIMITATIONS.

Jan 01, 2013
A Widow
by: A WidowA Widow

I had invitations today but I elected to stay at home. I decided to just "be". I tried to imagine how to be alone in 2013, without my husband. I tried to see through my mind's eye what that looked like. I don't know if it worked, but I feel a slight seismic shift in my world.
Love to all...

Jan 01, 2013
I was so wrong
by: Alassia

I couldn’t have been more wrong!

My over-confident plans that this would be ‘just another day’ went awry very quickly. I am sorry if my post last night seemed glib to many of you. It was indeed, as I learned today.

A friend arranged to come for coffee at 10 this morning (as it turned out, I wouldn’t have got out of bed, otherwise).

I thought I had today under control: coffee with friend at 10, Church at 12 then on to another friend’s home for lunch, after which I would return home, not happy, but satisfied by my efforts to ‘move on’.

I fell after the first hurdle.

I didn’t muster the energy to go to church or have lunch. Instead, I’ve stayed at home and cried buckets all day.

It seems that grief is like suppressing a fountain: you can do it for only so long; then it erupts and engulfs you once more.

Dec 31, 2012
Just another day
by: Alassia

New Year’s eve is a benchmark for others, not for us. You are not leaving him behind in 2012...Tomorrow, 1st January, is just another day we have to get through without our loved one.

To me, it’s no more significant than yesterday or today.

Yes, it’s full of hype- and I’m trying to ignore that. But, the way I’m looking at it is that it will bring me one day closer to being with him again!

Hugs to you all.
Alassia


Dec 31, 2012
A Widow
by: A Widow

It is amazing to read all of the stories above. I am feeling so isolated and alone with this pain...then reading I see I have sisters in this misery. I was dreading Christmas this year. I did not decorate, and I am not sure that I ever will again. He took my joy with him. I can't imagine life without him. I am dreading leaving 2012 without him, as though I am leaving him in the past.

Dec 26, 2012
Christmas 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

It was the first Christmas for me without my beloved husband who died coming up to 8 months now and I was dreading it. I sat at breakfast alone whilst my daughter was having a lie in. I cried and told God F Christmas. That is how I feel. I made sure to get my ANGER out of the way before I tried to cook dinner for my daughter 2 friends of hers and myself and we got through the day with some numbness for myself. My sister and brother-in-law and niece phoned to wish me, with my brother-in-law saying. "Try to enjoy the day" "It is what Steve would have wanted." It makes them feel better, but does nothing for me. I think the things people say to comfort us is for themselves. All the Christmas films HURT TO WATCH. The Christmas song. "It will be a lonely Christmas without you." by Elvis. This always makes me cry. I want to reach out to Steve and He is not here.
I can understand you giving all the Christmas decorations to the charity shop. I could never put these up again or look forward to another Christmas EVER. I have been hurt deeply by this one. I feel so WOUNDED by the loss of the first Christmas without Steve.
I do hope that for everyone on this site grieve a loss will be comforted. That the New Year will be a better year for all of us, and that we will find our way back from our Grief.

Dec 25, 2012
ghosts of Christmas past
by: HH

Oh how my heart aches for you. I remember all to well walking into Walmart and wanting to scream. I wanted to make my kids a photo album of Paul for Christmas. I painfully went through the thumbnail prints of the negatives of memories one by one. It was when I had them printed that I wailed like a wounded animal for all to see when I opened the package showing what was and what would never be.

It is now my 3rd Christmas and I will admit that the Love we have for the ones we miss does not disperse or disappear but some how manages to quiet enough for us to live this new life that is so hard to get used to alone.

Funny how grief works though. I hated Christmas that first year. How could people be so happy when my life stopped revolving. That the life I knew ceased to exist Yet there I was buying Christmas trees faking my way through that first year attempting to be Normal when I was far far from it.

Paul Died Dec of 09 I will admit right now that I do not celebrate Christmas as I had in the past. It is not about the gifts how much you spend making finances difficult for months ahead. It is about being with your family Loving the moment because we know to well that memories love hugs and kisses can be taken away with the blink of an eye.

I know that you are not ready for that. Seeing people happy and in love content is painful and it will take time for you to feel joy and longer to feel contentment.

I am in Colorado with my kids. This IS our Christmas, Being together. It is Christmas day and the only presents we have is being here laughing loving each other. It is how Christmas was intended.

I only mean to tell you that eventually, what was 3 years for me, the sun will shine, you will smile and laugh and be amazed at the beauty that stands before you. The young Love that you see will not piss you off but help you remember that you once had that kind of love and know, How very lucky they are to have it too.

Please try to venture out, for a walk alone try to notice nature and the little miracles that stand before you, it helps in your healing the blackness in your heart that you feel. But reaching out for the tiniest sprigs of joy begins the healing that takes so very long.

Wishing you well this day and the long days that stands before you, Just remember one day one step one breath at a time...
HH

Dec 25, 2012
You are nt alone in your loss
by: Roxy

Dear Christmas 2012,I find myself in your comments.I lost my mother 3 years ago,my father 6 years ago,I am alone without brother, sister, husband and i wonder each day why am I here,as all my family left for always. For me there are no Christmas,Easter holidays,only memories and pain.
I should want to tell you that it will be better but for me doesn't work anything.Maybe time will bring us more trust,a sunny day will bring us joy and our friends will make us feel better.
Until then,Merry Christmas and A ''Happy'' New year-happy as it is possible without our dearest persons in our life,and don't forget I am supporting you in your pain.
Best regards,
Roxy

Dec 25, 2012
You are nt alone in your loss
by: Roxy

Dear Christmas 2012,I find myself in your comments.I lost my mother 3 years ago,my father 6 years ago,I am alone without brother, sister, husband and i wonder each day why am I here,as all my family left for always. For me there are no Christmas,Easter holidays,only memories and pain.
I should want to tell you that it will be better but for me doesn't work anything.Maybe time will bring us more trust,a sunny day will bring us joy and our friends will make us feel better.
Until then,Merry Christmas and A ''Happy'' New year-happy as it is possible without our dearest persons in our life,and don't forget I am supporting you in your pain.
Best regards,
Roxy

Dec 25, 2012
My Soul Mate
by: Anonymous

My husband passed away in my arms on 09/19/12. Life is just on hold "I feel like you do." My job demands I move forward every day. My grandson came to help me care for my husband the last two months of his life and now he trys to keep me grounded. So many things set me off and if I could I would join him. But he would want me to move forward into this journey at my own pace not the family or friends pace. Be kind to your self no one takes the same path. I cannot say when or if I will every be whole. He was my soul mate and made my life complet. For now each day and night I will do what is best for me. Blessings Cindy

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