Christmas 2013

by Lawrence

I’m fighting back; I can’t continue to suffer the overwhelming agonizing heartache of losing my precious wife any longer..
It was last Christmas day when she suddenly died almost in my arms and I do not want my lovely family to look upon that day with sadness, so I am taking them all to Disney/Florida for two weeks over the holidays and perhaps it will help to ease the pain of losing a wonderful mum and wife.
We have done it many times before but she was always at my side, how I will cope without her is impossible to imagine, but if I cry I will do it alone, there is no way I will spoil the family holiday.
I feel my wife was behind my decision and is smiling approvingly.
I also lost my grandson last year from S.D. Syndrome aged 21 and I know their spirits will be there protecting us.
Is it a wise decision, I will let you all know when I return.


Comments for Christmas 2013

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Jan 02, 2014
Christmas 2013
by: T

Dear Heidi,
I'm back in the shock phase again as well. My husband passed away March 29th 2013. I couldn't bear the thought of spending Christmas as usual, so my Mother, sister's family and I all decided to pack up and travel back to our home town to spend Christmas with aunts, uncles and cousins. Now I'm back home and I'm so depressed. The sadness, fear, despair and panic was all right at home here waiting for me. Where is my sweetie, he's gone forever. A 6'3" 230 lb big strong man stricken by cancer. I always thought he could beat it until he took his last breath in my arms. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind and think that this is all just temporary and that he's going to come back. I can not get rid of any of his things. I just can't do it. I'm coming upon the one year anniversary and then a few days afterwards I'll turn 50 alone missing my sweetheart. I pray that God has mercy on us all in 2014. Try to stay strong.One day at a time, right.

Dec 24, 2013
tonight is Christmas Eve
by: Heidi

You give me hope that I might someday be able to encounter the holidays without fear and dread. I’m at a loss for what to say when someone wishes me a merry Christmas – so I mumble something in reply.

Mickey and I always spent Christmas Eve together – just the two of us and our pets. After Church, we’d open our gifts and help the pets open theirs. Christmas Day was the day we would go visiting.

Tonight is Christmas Eve. Tonight it is just me and our pets. Not a single decoration in the house. I feel guilty I’m not going to Church – but I just can’t compose myself enough.

This is the first Christmas in 15 years without Mickey. I’m so sad I feel like I’m back in the shock phase again. It’s been 11 weeks since Mickey died. Tomorrow, I will visit his grave again. Just two and a half months ago, I would have never thought in my worst nightmare I would be spending Christmas at Mickey’s grave. I’m scared as 2013 draws to a close. It will mean he died ‘last year’. It will be even further from the last time I held Mickey’s hand and told him I love him. I just miss him so much.

Nov 30, 2013
a peaceful medium
by: Anonymous

I have read all your posts and I love the comfort and support you give to others. I lost my love this year and I really don't want to be here. You were truly blessed in life this comes through and from everyone elses posts it seems as though you came closer to forever than most of us. I was hoping my husband and I would make it that long and though we never ever want those we love to leave you all had a wonderful long life together. God Bless

Oct 22, 2013
by: Lawrence

I was sat at the organ serenading my beloved wife as I do every night just in case she can hear me.
I played Leonard Cohen’s “HALLELUJAH” which was her favorite song, I can hear her saying as she did a few years ago“If there was one good reason for marrying you hearing you play this was it”
I cried as I was playing it as I am now, does the pain and anguish ever go?

Oct 21, 2013
Christmas 2013
by: silver

Dear Lawrence,None of us wanted to be in this club.I hope you can see many smiles and hear much laughter. It is healing.I also try to occasionally do something that takes my mind away from my husband's death 2 yrs ago.I still grieve and I don't think that's unusual for us to feel this way no matter how long ago it was.They were our other half.They are gone ahead of us.I truly believe that one day I will be able to see and hold my love again.That is one of the things that keeps me going.Don't think anything is wrong if you still cry.It's not.You don't ever lose them.They will always be a part of you even if GOD sends a new love your way.I don't know what GOD's plans are for me so I will just go on until the day I go home.I send prayers out for all of us who are grieving the loss of loved ones.GOD send you strength and peace.

Oct 15, 2013
Grateful Thanks
by: Lawrence

To Doreen U.K anonymous.M1 and anonymous
Many thanks for your beautiful words, needless to say they made me cry but I do know now I made the right decision because if you could see the excitement on the faces of my grandchildren and daughters after I told them made me realize they were dreading Christmas as much as I was.
I will take a small memorial candle to light on the day to let her know we all love her and will forever.
I hope all in this dreadful club get relief from the intense grief we are suffering.


Oct 15, 2013
Christmas 2013
by: Doreen UK

Lawrence Of Course it is a very wise decision to go away for Christmas since last Christmas held such painful sad memories for you losing your wife. My heart broke when reading of all your sorrow and grief that I wanted to come personally and reach out to you in person. You were such a broken man from your loss that I felt very desperate for you.
What I see now is nothing short of a miracle. You have moved forward in strides and taken control of your life and know that changing your patterns of living each day helps and also putting new things in your life is what works in helping one move forward. But even doing this has its timing. When we are in those early days of grief it is the worst feeling ever and all we want to do is get out of that dark tunnel. Wishing someone could come to our rescue.
You are amazing. Your life is now a testimony and strength to all of us who are grieving. We know we will recover from grief. I am so proud of you and how you have handled this adversity. Any trial that comes into your life now I know you will handle with wisdom and maturity, because nothing could be worse than what you have been through in losing a beloved wife of 70yrs. and also not forgetting your grandson of 21yrs. whose young life was cut short.
Moving on from grief is all about CHANGE and you are showing us that this is possible. I applaud you for taking the step to include good things in your life, and living life as God would have us do by going on after loss. But I also know that this is not the end of grief because we will always have those moments when tears will still flow.
I want to wish you and your family the loveliest Christmas ever as you come together to celebrate a time when families come together and you have to make this a closer time for the ones you have left and keep those memories alive. The Americans do Christmas very Well and are so courteous so you are all sure to have a good time together. I wish you all travelling mercies for safety and the best Christmas ever despite the circumstances of loss. Which I hope will be the perfect start of the many changes you can make in your life from now on to also help the family you have left. Thank you for all your updates APPRECIATED. Best wishes.

Oct 14, 2013
Lawrence and Barb
by: Anonymous--MI

I think that this journey is so painful and heartbreaking that if you can find relief in going away for the holidays then that is what you should do. I wish you peace and healing for your broken hearts. The loneliness since my husband died of SCA arrest almost 11 months ago is unbearable and if any of us on this site can find some joy and happiness I support the efforts. May God help us all.

Oct 14, 2013
Dear Lawrence
by: Anonymous

I have read many of your posts over the past few months, and they have given me much support and hope. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your wife. my mother and I are experiencing the same agonizing grief and sadness that you, and many others have experienced. My mother lost her soul mate, her love of 50 years on January 14. I lost the dearest father in the world. He died prior illness, no warning...suffered cardiac arrest and was gone. Dealing with the overwhelming grief, the complete shock and the constant sadness that envelops us every day has been horrible, but now the looming holidays is making it almost unbearable. I have thought about going away as well, but have not yet made any plans. I have two school aged children, who need the normalcy of holidays...i cant take that away from them, but perhaps a different venue would be a welcome change. I hope you and your family have a safe and blessed trip. I'm
sure that your wife and your grandson will be guiding you along the way, and will want you to enjoy the time you
have together as a family. I hope you continue to heal, and
continue to post here- you are an inspiration. Peace, Barb

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