Christmas Eve

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

I cried myself to sleep this Christmas Eve ~ I closed my eyes and remembered every Christmas, every feeling with my heart breaking again. I've had friends, family and previous work friends from Arkansas text me and wishing a Merry Christmas. I wish it was a "Merry" Christmas but at this time I feel more like the Grinch.
I was getting my hair done yesterday because Billy always believed I should do something for myself. So I sat waiting my turn and "I'll Be Home for Christmas" came over the speakers and the tears threaten to fall, will really they did fall and I had no control. I sat looking at my nails (another "To Do" Billy liked) and I never felt so alone in my life. At least no one saw me crying.

Today's Christmas day I'll be spending it with my brother's wife's family. Lets hope for the best.
I wish Christmas was done and over so I wouldn't have this fake smile and its OK attitude. They don't want to know so they don't ask. I'm finding its better that way.

My prayers to us all is just a little moment of peace. I can't believe it only been 6 months ~ I feel the hole in my heart will never mend. So I wait and believe some day Billy and I will be together. So I'll remember each day to take it ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for Christmas Eve

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Dec 26, 2010
Me Too
by: Pat J

My wonderful Joe just passed away on December 3rd. I spent three days fighting back the tears. My son had a party (Santa came for the children) on the 23rd. I sat there numb and spent most of the evening in the bathroom.

Christmas Eve was very difficult. I didn't want to ruin things with my doom and gloom so I fought to stay strong. Christmas day we all got together for our huge annual breakfast. Again I fought and fought to hold back the tears. I was shaking inside. Later that day my daughter brought in some photo albums that were in her car. We went through them picture by picture. She was the one that totally broke down. Then I was able to release the three days of tears I was holding in. It felt good actually to let it all out.

I know how much my daughter loves and misses her dad. We all do. I told her what we have to do is live our lives the best we can and continue to make him proud of all of us. One breath, one step, one day at a time. To quote Tiny Tim, "God bless us everyone."

Dec 26, 2010
Afraid I'll forget
by: Ms Mack

Pat,

Although you're so sad, you made it through the holiday right? Crying is part of it, reminiscing and feeling the pain of your loss. I am only in the 5th month of this nightmare and sometimes it's unbearable. I'm afraid I'll forget him, not remember everything like yesterday. I don't want to let him go, never....

All we can do at this point is hang on for dear life. We will get better, hopefully sooner than later. Keep writing, and take your time in dealing with the sadness and pain. You're in my prayers, stay strong.

Dec 26, 2010
christmas eve
by: jules

I know your pain - and we have to let it out - but one of the best things is that we have this site to talk to, and all our wonderful friends on here - who are all taking - one breath, one step at a time.

take care
jules

Dec 25, 2010
Strength minute by minute to make a day
by: HH

Patricia,

I'll admit I did cry Christmas Eve. I worried how the kids were handling Christmas (without their Dad) but did not have the courage to call them until l Christmas when I felt a little stronger.

Boo kept saying this the best Christmas EVER!
He did not realize he was breaking my heart every time he said it. By the end of the day I was numbed to it and thankfully it snowed, making the Christmas Magic that I needed to get through the day.

Oddly enough, I baked yesterday from 9 in the morning till 8:30 at night to keep busy. I took no less than 10 desserts to my brothers house.
(yet I haven't really cooked in a year)

I had a bandanna in my pocket thinking that I would need it and made it through the evening with some genuine smiles.

So, here is hoping that times get easier for you as time moves on ever so slowly.

One day you will be like me, that it happened forever ago yesterday but a little stronger day by day or minute by minute whatever it takes.
My best to you...
HH

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