Christmas Eve...

by Stephanie
(Nebraska)

Most 5 year old children are excited about Christmas eve, presents, baking cookies for Santa, all the pretty lights, and most importantly, waking up to a tree with lot's of presents underneath it just waiting to be ripped open with anticipation. However, when I was four years old, I spent my Christmas Eve, saying goodbye to the most amazing man I've ever had the pleasure to know, even if I was only four years old. On Christmas Eve, 1996 my grandfather had passed away in hospice care from Cancer.

I don't remember much about my Grandfather, except for that he fought in WW2 flying jet's and protecting our country. I also remember every time I would go over to my grandparent's house, my grandpa would always be so happy to see me, he'd be sitting in his chair in the t.v room, and I'd run down the hall to the room my grandma and grandpa were sitting in, and he'd have this great big smile on his face and he'd always hug me and I'd always be sitting on his lap as my parents and my siblings and I would visit with my grandparent's. I remember going out in the back yard with my grandpa and we'd play with a baseball and throw it to eachother.

When I was three years old, at my Church, we had a little race where we had to build little cars and put them ontop of a hill and let them race down the hill, and I wanted a barney car, so he helped me, and my older brothers and sisters build our cars for the race at church. My grandfather did everything to make his grandchildren happy. I still have that car, my mother painted it for me, and my grandfather built it for me, so it has two in one meanings for me.

I remember whenever i'd go to my grandparent's house, my grandpa would always be in the basement in his workshop always building or working on something, his tool area had tones of tools, and nails and little things to build stuff with and I was always so fascinated with what was all down their, and he'd always take time to show me all the neat stuff he had down their.

My grandfather was a really amazing golfer too. He had another spot in his basement where he kept his golf trophy's and metals, and clubs and stuff. He was so proud of them. I remember him telling me all kinds of stories about his golfing days. Their was one prized possession that he was so proud of. His hole in one golf ball. He loved that thing! Whenever he'd show me his golfing stuff, he was always so proud of that one item. I still remember that smile....

My grandfather ALWAYS had a smile on his face, even when he was battling cancer. I think that's what I miss the most from him. I don't ever remember him frowning, or yelling or being grumpy. He was such a nice, easy going person. For being in the army, he had too soft of a heart, well at least to his grandchildren anyways.

I miss him so much.. It took me years to actually process that he was gone though. All through my child hood after my grandpa passed away, it never really bothered me, which makes me sad to say. But then, I was so young at the time. I didn't really process he was gone until YEARS later. I was about 20 years old when one day I just got really depressed, missing my grandfather like crazy, it angered me that he was gone. I had gone through a lot those past couple years. My father had cut all ties from me, and I still have no idea why, I am not really that close to the male siblings of mine that I have, so I don't really have any close father like figures in my life, and my grandfather is the only one I've had (my mom's dad died when she was in high-school). So not having a dad to call when time's are tough, and not having any male role models in my life, except for one who had already passed away (my grandpa), time's got really hard. I became angry at God that he took my grandpa from me at such a young age, I became angry at the fact that I couldn't call him when I was upset, I couldn't write him letters, or feel his hugs when I needed a hug, their was nothing that I could do to contact my grandpa, what angered me even more was the fact that I have NO pictures of him and I together when I was a child.

It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that he's not here anymore, on my 21st birthday I got a tattoo with his initials underneath a quote across my back in remembrance of him. It was a little bit of closure on my part. It's a beautiful tattoo and I know he probably loves it, even though if he were alive, he'd probably say it wasn't necessary that I got a tattoo.

I miss him more and more every day, and I don't think I could ever forget him. I am so thankful that God has left me with two amazing grandmother's that I talk to every week and I am so very close with them. Never take anything for granted, count your blessings, and tell your loved ones that you love them everyday. I'm so thankful that I was given the time I had with my grandpa, because I could've never even met him, so I'm glad that I did have that time with him, even though it wasn't long enough. I just keep telling myself that he's with me in spirit and always looking down on me , and one day we will meet again, and I cannot wait for that day. [=.

Comments for Christmas Eve...

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Jan 19, 2013
Christmas Eve....
by: Doreen U.K.

Stephanie what a lovely story of your childhood with your grandpa and how this relationship gave you happiness and stability. Sad though you don't have a relationship with your father or perhaps brothers and uncles. You say the problem you have is with the male members of your family. It doesn't have to stay this way. If you saw a counsellor you would be able to resolve the difficulties around the Male members of your family and you could go on to establish better relationships with males. This includes meeting a man and one day getting married. Don't lose out on this kind of happiness when you could get it resolved and go on to be a very happy and fulfilled person.
It is good that you have family members left that you can establish good relations with and enhance your life for the future. You do seem to count your blessings and not your losses. You will see your loved one's again. With this lovely attitude to life you will be blessed and fulfilled. You are a giver and you surely will be BLESSED. Best wishes

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