Christmas? I'm Mad I want You Here with Me !

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

So another holiday down, 1 more left to pull my life apart ~ what do I do? I gave thanks for what I still have and cried for what is gone. Christmas trees, presents and good will toward men are what lay ahead, so they say. What about my man, my husband, he’s gone, what about my wishes for this Christmas?

I know I’m being selfish but I want him back. I don’t want to be without him. Everybody cares, they mean well ~ it’s just not good enough anymore.

No pain, no gain? This is not exercises. It’s my life as I knew it, over in a flash. I know it’s only been 5 months but it doesn’t matter. 5 days, 5 months or 5 years will not make a difference. He’s gone and I’m alone. I walk through the stages of grief and I will scream, NO ~ I don’t want to do this anymore. Let me out of this crazy life I’m living in.

I know the words, the sayings, he’ll be with you always ~ well all I can say is if he were with me always I wouldn’t be alone now. We would be in our house in Arkansas, planning Christmas with family and friends. How much money we would need for presents for everybody because he would be buying more than we could afford.

But he’s not and I’m lost, an empty shadow walking this world until the end. Crying each night, wishing for him in to be in my dreams and hoping to never wake up so I could be with him now and forever.

I hate my life and it sucks being me most of the time. I read the sorrows each write in this website and see the pain in each line we write. Why is it so? We’ve done nothing wrong. We loved with all our hearts and only find it to be taken away. I’m mad and feel unjust. Another process and more steps for me to go through.

So I’ll put up the Christmas tree with my Sister-in-law and brother for they have taken me into their home and care for me as best they can. Family to help and hope to put the pieces back together of my life. I’ll cry and cry, wishing you were here but find each morning when I awake you’re not and I’m still here. So again I’ll come and write my heart out on another page, watching my life go by and pray to find my way in this life I’m now living alone.

But, even after the pain and tears each night I will remind myself again and again, I’m here so I will take it 1 step, 1 breath at a time.