Christmas without mum
As the season gets closer i am approaching it with mixed feelings. This is my first ever christmas without my mum. It was always a very special time for us. Evry detail would be gone over, most years we would begin collecting and saving from January.
Even when I was her Carer, when she was housebound and unable to shop with me we still discussed every detail. My mum loved jewellery and I always went to a certain place for her, I loved the ritual or choosing her gift, putting it by and collecting a few days before.
This year is silent, for the first time I am going for christmas to my sons, i struggle to find joyful anticipation despite looking forward to being with my grandsons. I have a strange ambivalence about this year. It feels like the heart has been ripped out of it for me. I will make sure no one sees this, I won't be self-indulgent with my grief, she would have hated that. I intend to work hard at fun and joy, but I struggle to cope with the reality that there will be no more of those cherished Christmases.
A box of crackers ruined my day, a trip to the jewellers with my friend to choose her mums gift left me reeling with grief, just as I was when she passed this May. I think of her all the time and cry. Friends say its early days, it gets better when the first anniversary passes because you stop comparing with the year before.
I will learn to enjoy christmas again, it's in my nature and grandchildren are wonderful, I just hope that wherever mum is she is celebrating with me.