Cinderella

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Santa Barbara

Santa Barbara

Cinderella came to the ball, married the prince and then the prince died... Brutal concept wouldn't you say?
This very moment for me in time is Hell... I feel like I can't do anything right. It start's on the right track and then Ooops... let's throw her off the train and to make sure we've got it right will run her over.
My confidence level is at an all time low. The feeling like I could only do anything right good was because of Billy is bowling me over. I just can't do this on my own... I'm hitting strikes and I'm working on a perfect game of 300.
I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. The best part of me is gone and I'm sinking into the death of despair. Yes I did say death because at times it feels like I'm not alive. Friends don't want to hear, family still not talking to me (like they were really there anyway but my mom) I only have one person who understands. My cousin lost her son, she holds no judgement and we tried to keep ourselves from sinking into quicksand. Sometimes it's easier to put my heartache and pain on the back burner and just talk to her to help in anyway I can.
It sometime moves so quickly and takes my breath away. Random thoughts hit me when I'm driving, a word in a movie or just seeing someone cry on a show (a show that's not real) and I'm in tears. Depression is my soul-mate at this time. I know I'm there, I see it but really? I don't care. I could lock myself in my apartment and never come out. I really don't care. A year has come and gone and I can't take care of myself, hold a job and friends??? yeah that's a work in process because when they start to see the real me it duck and run.... I thought about the support group again but I'm being ripped to pieces now and I know they mean well but sitting in a room of people like me after some of them have been going through it for years scare's me. I don't want to be that person. Selfish? Maybe, but it's a feeling that's running through me. I mean no disrespect but this is what's coming out of me. I know it makes no sense, and the thinking and word filters have collapsed and I'm running at the mouth and fingers typing uncontrollably .
My comment sense side tells me to shut up, pay attention to what your saying and THINK!!!!
I'm sorry if I offended anybody or said anything unkind in my ranting. Sometimes my emotions get the best or the worse of me. How can I feel fine (as fine can be) or just ok for one minute and then despair and desperation in another? Is there a switch I can turn off and on? Wouldn't that be great. A build in "Easy Button"???? or maybe a "Comfort Button"??? Sure would help huh? Now I'm back on the road of looking for another job. Yippee Skippy I get to put the face and smile on and hope they don't see the cracks in my face and heart.
Well the pain and agonies seem to be easing as I type and I appreciate all to put up with this, this stufffff.....
I guess its time to go back to the other world. Staying in this world of longing, crying, tears, missing and I'm sure another hold host of words we can all think and feel must be limited to my sanity. Anger walks with me at times but sometimes I can walk faster, but then again it loves to trip me up when I least expect it. I'm reaching forward with my hands out stretch to the me I'm suppose to be.
The other me and I will continue to try ~
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for Cinderella

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Aug 26, 2011
You are not alone
by: Anonymous

Your title caught my attention right away, and then your words made me realize that I am not alone. My prince killed himself last year. It is by far the most unbearable horrific thing that I have ever experienced. All last year I cried all day and everyday. Every song, every place, everything reminded me of how I would not be able to see him anymore. I started drinking alot. I went to a bar and got really wasted. Then I went off the deep in for about 10 hours. I was completely catatonic. When I awoke, I was in the hospital and I had cut part of my face when I fell down in my drunken madness. I almost lost my eye and I could have easily died. It was kind of a wake up call. I went to his pastor to see if he could offer me solace. The pastor told me that if I was anything in Jess's life I was the light in it. Surprisingly that helped me. But I still cry everyday and I feel like I'm drowning every day, and that no one else understands. Until now when I read your blog. Maybe we are here to help one another right now! I recently started thinking about seeing a medium so that way i know that my prince is not in hell.

Aug 12, 2011
tired of feeling like crap
by: Cousin

I'm sure you understand that completely! I think there are times I'm going nuts. I had a good time at Disneyland honoring my sweet Dimitri. He would have had such a good time with us and his nephews. He was such a clown. I thought I was handling the one year mark well but the next day was horrible. I could barely move. The only thing that got me through the day was the fact that I had to take care of my patients all day. But even then I have problems, especially when they complain about every little ache and pain. Who are they to complain?! They should have seen the two years of suffering my son endured and he NEVER complained. He took it like a man. That's why I inscribed "His was a man's courage" on his headstone. He was the most courageous person I have ever had the honor to know and he was MY son. I was so blessed to have had him in my life. I am trying to look at the positives of having had such an amazing son and sometimes I actually succeed but then the wall hits me and I realize that there will be no more opportunities to make new good times. He lived for 23 years and 27 days and as far as I'm concerned....it wasn't long enough. Love you cousin. Hang in there. We can both go crazy together.

Aug 11, 2011
Cinderella
by: jules

Patricia - my heart goes out to you - I wish I could be there in the real world for you - just to say I do understand, I know what you are going through - not the job thing - that's a bummer, though I am in the process of preparing to look for work myself - I just hope I have the confidence to follow through.

I too sometimes hear a word, hear a song, see something, that takes me back to when John was with me - I was working at a function at our bowls club the other week, and a song came on the radio, Elvis singing "Love me Tender" - that was probably the only song that John willingly got up to dance with me to - I started to tear up, had to rush from the room to the restroom, some of the people there at that time, don't know my story.

I did not cope very well for the next few days after that - but I come on here, I read the posts, sometimes I comment, I know that this is the one place I can say how I am feeling with the knowledge that there will be no criticism, no one to say that it is time to move on - we know on this site, that just when you think youa re doing well, some little thing will come along and hit you over the head again.

So rant all you want, type uncontrollably if you want - we are here for you - we do understand, we do care -
and remember - every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Aug 11, 2011
Cinderella
by: jules

Patricia - my heart goes out to you - I wish I could be there in the real world for you - just to say I do understand, I know what you are going through - not the job thing - that's a bummer, though I am in the process of preparing to look for work myself - I just hope I have the confidence to follow through.

I too sometimes hear a word, hear a song, see something, that takes me back to when John was with me - I was working at a function at our bowls club the other week, and a song came on the radio, Elvis singing "Love me Tender" - that was probably the only song that John willingly got up to dance with me to - I started to tear up, had to rush from the room to the restroom, some of the people there at that time, don't know my story.

I did not cope very well for the next few days after that - but I come on here, I read the posts, sometimes I comment, I know that this is the one place I can say how I am feeling with the knowledge that there will be no criticism, no one to say that it is time to move on - we know on this site, that just when you think youa re doing well, some little thing will come along and hit you over the head again.

So rant all you want, type uncontrollably if you want - we are here for you - we do understand, we do care -
and remember - every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Aug 10, 2011
I can relate
by: Maureen

Hi Patricia I can so relate to you but I dont know anyone going through this in my life. Its good you have your friend to talk to about things. I feel very alone. It has been 10 months today since I lost my 27 year old son unexpectedly. I feel as though I am a leper and people dont want to hear about my sadness and grief. I dont hear from alot of my relatives and friends because I think they dont know what to say to me. On occasion I will get a little glimmer of happiness and actually smile, then an anniversary comes like today and I feel as though I have been run over by a truck. I decided to come to this site today because I felt so alone, I saw your message and know that I am not alone in this awful depression. My feelings are identical to yours. The only thing that helps is my strong faith in God and when I have a bad day I usually get a little sign from up above that all is well. Well Patricia I will say a prayer that both of us get through today with some peace.

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