Cinderella
by Patricia
Santa Barbara
This very moment for me in time is Hell... I feel like I can't do anything right. It start's on the right track and then Ooops... let's throw her off the train and to make sure we've got it right will run her over. My confidence level is at an all time low. The feeling like I could only do anything right good was because of Billy is bowling me over. I just can't do this on my own... I'm hitting strikes and I'm working on a perfect game of 300. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. The best part of me is gone and I'm sinking into the death of despair. Yes I did say death because at times it feels like I'm not alive. Friends don't want to hear, family still not talking to me (like they were really there anyway but my mom) I only have one person who understands. My cousin lost her son, she holds no judgement and we tried to keep ourselves from sinking into quicksand. Sometimes it's easier to put my heartache and pain on the back burner and just talk to her to help in anyway I can. It sometime moves so quickly and takes my breath away. Random thoughts hit me when I'm driving, a word in a movie or just seeing someone cry on a show (a show that's not real) and I'm in tears. Depression is my soul-mate at this time. I know I'm there, I see it but really? I don't care. I could lock myself in my apartment and never come out. I really don't care. A year has come and gone and I can't take care of myself, hold a job and friends??? yeah that's a work in process because when they start to see the real me it duck and run.... I thought about the support group again but I'm being ripped to pieces now and I know they mean well but sitting in a room of people like me after some of them have been going through it for years scare's me. I don't want to be that person. Selfish? Maybe, but it's a feeling that's running through me. I mean no disrespect but this is what's coming out of me. I know it makes no sense, and the thinking and word filters have collapsed and I'm running at the mouth and fingers typing uncontrollably . My comment sense side tells me to shut up, pay attention to what your saying and THINK!!!! I'm sorry if I offended anybody or said anything unkind in my ranting. Sometimes my emotions get the best or the worse of me. How can I feel fine (as fine can be) or just ok for one minute and then despair and desperation in another? Is there a switch I can turn off and on? Wouldn't that be great. A build in "Easy Button"???? or maybe a "Comfort Button"??? Sure would help huh? Now I'm back on the road of looking for another job. Yippee Skippy I get to put the face and smile on and hope they don't see the cracks in my face and heart. Well the pain and agonies seem to be easing as I type and I appreciate all to put up with this, this stufffff..... I guess its time to go back to the other world. Staying in this world of longing, crying, tears, missing and I'm sure another hold host of words we can all think and feel must be limited to my sanity. Anger walks with me at times but sometimes I can walk faster, but then again it loves to trip me up when I least expect it. I'm reaching forward with my hands out stretch to the me I'm suppose to be. The other me and I will continue to try ~ Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year
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