Cloud of Darkness
by Trying To Hold On
Sometimes I feel like a cloud of darkness surrounds me. At 36 I have experienced death from every angle you could possibly imagine Often I wonder how am I still surving. In June of 2005 I lost my mother to cancer had no idea she had it she was gone in a matter of two weeks. Seven days later I lost my only brother to kidney disease he had been sick for years and knew eventually that he would be no longer with us. My mother's death was so sudden and unexpected and it bothered me alot but I found comfort in knowing that she and I had a great relationship. Well in the process of trying to heal and overcome those two deaths I got pregant and 9 months later March of 2006 I am right back where I started with the lost of my very first child at birth. With this i slipped into a deep depression with the help of my faith and my therapist I learned to deal with it.During all this my then fiancee and close friends and family was there to support me and be there for me. In 2008 death seem to have found me again my best friend 28 years old dies suddenly from a heart attack by this time my emotions are completely numb so I am able to deal with because it felt like I had no feelings. I had gotten to the point where nothing really mattered to me anymore. Once again those same friends and my fiancee are still around. With time I was able to deal with that situation. Things with my fiancee got rocky so that relationship ended but we were able to remain good friends. I never really focused on another one after that because it seems that I always had to much going on. Well that's not the whole story can you believe I actually have more to tell. 2009 my father suffered from a stroke and many other health ailments that left him slowly declining with time. I became his caregiver and he and I developed a very strong relationship because it was just us so we basically just loved and supported each other as much as we could. His health was up again down again until he finally lost his fight in December 2011. I was able to deal with that lost so much better than the others because he had suffered for so long in pain to where I guess you can say I was relieved that he was no longer suffering. Once again my ex-fiancee and those same friends where still there. My ex was even a pallbearer at my dads services alond the way the both of them had developed a strong relationsip. Well now it is 3 months after my dads death six days prior to today I get the traumatic news that my exfiancee the man that told me that now my dad is gone he is going to take care of me had died from a heart attack. I am at the point now to where I am mentally and emotionally exhausted i know God said that he will not put anymore on you that you can bare but I am finally at my breaking point I cant take anymore. I just feel lost and all alone I cry all day even when I don't want to cry I am crying. It feels like that I am shutting down. My friends have even become overwhelmed with what I have experienced. I have never in my life felt this helpless before. I honestly dont know what to. I am a strong believer in God and his word but it feels like that isn't even helping me anymore.