by Sean Fabling
(Palmerston North, New Zealand)

I was 16 when my mother died in a car crash, I'm not really sure why i'm writing this. I guess I don't know what else to do.
I'ts been 3 years now, I thought it's supposed to get easier? It hasn't. I've just got better at hiding it. I have moments when i'm alone, sometimes even with other people around which I HATE. I don't want people's pity, it just gets too much sometimes.
I'm in the army now, I think she'd be worried but proud. I'd like to think she'd be proud.
Every special thing that will ever happen in my life will now all ways be overshadowed by this, and I hate that. My life seems too have just spiralled out of hand, when she was alive I had a simple life, now it's filled with drama, hurt, tears, my life feels too much like a movie. and I have no control and can only watch, It's frustrating as all hell.
The only thing keeping me going is that I still have a dad and sister who need me.
Sorry if my story seems to be in a random order, i'm having a pretty bad time right now.

I feel alone

Comments for Clueless

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Dec 03, 2011
by: Anonymous

I just lost my mom last month and I have not gotten over it yet. I know wat ur going though but its never the same I lost my uncle three months ago out of no where. I was really close to him n wat I've found is that I need to keep talking I feel like no one is around wen ppl r n all I can do is talk to my dad he's been helping me deal w it. I think ill always feel this way but I gotta keep thinking of the good memories I have n understand that god has a plan n that those who died already finished there destination here. I no the arm trains u to b tough but don't b afraid to cry. My dad still cried over his bro death in a car crash that was 35 years ago. Just keep holding on girl I hope u can find peace w ur moms death

Nov 28, 2011
by: Chris

Hi Clueless. My mother passed away earlier this year in February. Like with you it was very sudden. She succumbed to a streptecoccul infection which within a matter of days wiped her out and I had to watch every organ shut down in her body. Powerless at her bedside. It still kills me looking back and I'm crying as I write this but I looked at your post and it worried me. You're giving in to negative emotions and it's not good dude. Don't let the memory over shadow anything as that will do her a disservice. If she was as good as you remember her to be like my mum. Then think. If she looked at you now and thought you were letting that memory overide what she would be proud of wouldn't she kick your ass?! I know my mum would. I'm not saying forget. We can't and never will. Just don't let the emotions be negative. Take time away anytime your proud of yourself and you know she would be too. Walk away from everyone. Sit down and look up. Recall her smiles, her eyes glistening when she was happy and think that's how she'd look now. Talk, I know I do, even if it's in your head. Recall the sound of her voice make it joyful. I'm not saying it won't bring nostalgia and sadness back. It will, everytime I think about getting married/having kids or anything I know she would have wanted to be part of I still know it will hurt but that won't stop me. I know somewhere someone will be really happy for me. Anytime you want to chat or just someone to rant at I'm here. p.s Loved your country man I need to get back out and see the South Island fully

Nov 28, 2011
Clueless can be normal
by: M Mack


I am sorry for your loss and understand your pain and confusion. It's normal after loosing someone you love for so long to feel lost in grief. My mom passed 10 years ago and my soulmate a little over a year ago. The numb stages turned into sadness and the heartach was unbearable. When the love of my life was taken, I was devastated because i was finally so happy and fortunate to have this kind of love.

You are definitely not alone. Grief takes time and is very individual for each of us. Yeh we have ups and downs but honestly it will get better. I do understand that feeling of being alone with a room full of people. Loosing a mom is very hard at such a young age. A mother is the one person who understands completely, right or wrong and her love is unconditional. She is very proud of you and although you dont see her, she is here with you in spirit.

Come to this site as often as you need to Sean. You are a very brave, loving and spirited young man with so much to offer. Keep writing and reading the many who are pouring out their sadness, all experiencing what you are going through. Grieving takes time and a lot of strength.

Thank you for your service and know you have my prayers. Reaching out writing and reading is helpful in this battle of life as a survivor. We are here for you day or night if you need to vent. God bless as you venture out in the world and know you are never alone in your journey.

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