College Freshmen Without Best Friend

by Kaitlyn M.
(New Jersey )

My Mom and I in August 2012, right before I left for school.

My Mom and I in August 2012, right before I left for school.

It has been almost four months since my mother passed away. She was my everything, my best friend, role model, hero, inspiration, and now my guardian angel. I am a freshmen in college. All my mom wanted was to see me go to my senior prom, graduate, and be there on move-in day at school. And she was at all three events.

My mom had a long battle with breast cancer. She was a fighter. She always brought light and laughter to all those she encountered. She was truly amazing. She and my dad divorced when I was 9 (now 18) and they were best friends after that. He took her to all her chemotherapy appointments, radiations, surgeries.

It is so hard not being able to call her or text her. Thanksgiving and Christmas were heart wrenching. I am so blessed to have shared 18 years with her, though I wish it could have been many many more.

Her mother (my grandmother) is still living, and is taking it just as hard as I am. I am an only child, my mom was an only child as well. Everyone always offers to talk, but they just do not understand the pain endured everyday. Not being able to hear her voice is absolutely awful.

I was with her, holding her hand when God took her. I will never forget that day. She was always so proud of me, always bragging about her princess! I was home for 3 weeks while she was in ICU, and she was finally getting better, and then things went terribly wrong. She had a brain hemorrhage. The funeral and wake were beautiful, she looked amazing. She was finally free, I just had to remember that. Free of all the pain and suffering. Her funeral and burial were Friday, and I returned to school Sunday evening. I finished the semester and made the Dean's List, despite all of the obstacles.

I always feel her here with me, talking to me. It makes me smile, but then instantly upset because I know she won't be here to create new memories with me. It's nice to vent to strangers who can relate- no one truly understands the pain and heartache.


Comments for College Freshmen Without Best Friend

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Feb 24, 2013
college freshmen without best friend
by: sharon

dear kaitlin,i feel your pain. i lost my mum in july 2012, and i miss her so desperately. I still cry every day, as it upsets me so much when i think of the pain she was in for so long and i could do nothing to help ease the pain for her. She had a cervical tumour that spread, and she went through so much chemo and radiotherapy that eventually damaged her kidneys that she could no longer endure any more treatment. I too was with her in the hospital when she took her last breath. She was my best friend and i saw her every day. Sometimes it still doesnt feel real that she is no longer here. Her face is the last thing i see before i go to sleep and the first thing i see when i wake. People seem to think that by now i should be ok, but its not that easy when you have had a close loving relationship with your mum. I have wonderful memories of her but all i want is to have her back as she was before this cruel illness took hold of her. My heart goes out to you and i am so sorry for you. I hope that time will ease your pain xx

Feb 23, 2013
Dear Kaitlyn,
by: Pat

Bless you, my child. Losing your mother may well be the most difficult experience of your life. I can tell, however, that you are a very strong person. You will make it through this. I lost my mother in 2009 and I have always felt that a piece of my heart has been ripped out. Mothers and daughters have a very special relationship like none other. Right now, you are in the raw part of grief that makes it feel like an open wound. Try thinking about the good times you had with your mother. You might want to memorialize her by doing a scrapbook or participating in some kind of event to help cancer patients. Helping others is always good for getting through grief. I can tell you are a good student. Staying in school and doing well will also honor your mother. I am sure she was very proud of you. As you move forward, you will realize mother is still with you. My mother always believed that the body is just the cover for the soul and when the body is no longer there, the soul shines brightly with no impediments. You will start to see your mother in the things she loved most, such as flowers, rainbows, trees, beautiful gardens, etc. I only mention these things because they are the things my mother loved. You know what your mother loved and you will know what to look for. I send you many hugs, my child. I hope you will write again and let us know how you are doing. We are all in the "same boat." We care.

Feb 22, 2013
College Freshman Without Best Friend
by: Sob

Dear Kaitlyn,

My heart goes out to you Kaitlyn. I wish I could hug you. I know exactly what you are going through and I can relate to each and every word you said. Its just too painful. You are younger than me and its aweful that you had to lose your mom at such an young age. I lost my mother to cancer in July last year. I still remember that day vividly when the doctors announced that "She's dead". It will always remain the worst day of my life. I still cannot sleep as the moment I close my eyes I see flashbacks of all those things which are unbearably painful. And the worst part is we have to live through all this pain. Just like you I had held my mom when she took her last breath. People say it's always a mother's wish to have her kids by her side when she takes her last breath. Find solace in the fact that you were there with her just like she was there when you took your first breath. She wasn't alone. I know that memory will haunt you till your last breath and I can't even say it will get better.

Cherish your memories with her. That's all you have now. They are more precious than any other valuable item in this world. Talk about her with people. Make them know you are a daughter of such an amazing person. Make her proud of you. If for no one else, make something happen in your life just for her sake. I am sure just like my mom, your mother would have wanted the best for you. I can't say the pain will lessen. But I can say that you will learn to live with that pain. Everything will remind you of her and nothing can stop you from thinking about her. She will always live in your heart.

Lots of hug from my side. Feel free to write back to me. I am here to listen.

Feb 21, 2013
College Freshman Without Best Friend
by: Doreen U.K.

Kaitlyn I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom to breast cancer.
It is the most difficult place to be right now. No pain like the loss of a mom. You are a very mature young lady. But you are still only 18yrs. a teenager and a difficult time for any young woman to lose her mother.
Cancer is a destroyer of the body and families. My husband deteriorated over 3yrs. with a deadly cancer and this ripped through our family like a tornado. Death is so Cruel but is also part of living. WE will all die one day but it is never easy processing death and loss and grief. It will doubly hard having your grandmother lose her daughter. We soldier on each day hoping it will get better. It will be hard not having your mother with you to share in your happiness and even the bad times you will go through. You will get your life back and be happy again. But for now you are facing the harsh reality of raw grief. May God comfort you in your sorrow and loss.

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