Come back Mom!

by Chris
(Seattle, WA, USA)

Mom, I miss you so much. Thirty-three is too young to be in the world by myself, although I realize there are younger out there. I know you never meant to leave me; I'm not sure whether or not you knew when you were going when you died unexpectedly to me 12/30 or
12/31 2013. Finding you face down and cold somehow wasn't unexpected, but it was a nightmare that still haunts me. I will never know what your last thoughts were and I want to know them each and every day.

You were and are my best friend. I looked forward to talking to you every night before bed. Although you couldn't reach me as often as you liked or should have been able, I was able to awaken you from a nap or anything to get you to talk to me about my problems. You helped me with my problems -- interjecting yourself into my social disputes and other areas of my life with you impeccable charm. , you came over and did my dishes and I never did that for you, even though you were the chronically ill one. I say you still are my best friend, because I don't do anything without running it past my memory of you. Sometimes your imagined responses even make me laugh. I feel like there is so much I failed to do -- please forgive me. I wish I had been more mature.

Mom, you promised me when you died that you would prove to me you went on and that there was an afterlife. It is true that more unexplained things have happened in the last six months then probably in the rest of my life put together. That crow that somehow came into the house, the smell of perfume, dreams I and others have had about you, all the pennies you believed were signs of guardian angels turning up in all the places, once or twice even out of thin air -- some of these things defy explanation entirely, and others merely call into doubt conventional answers, making their likelihood all the less.

I don't know if you're behind all that or whether one person in the afterlife could do.

The point is, I believe, but it only matters so much. Among other things, I believe that I will be stuck on this earth another fifty years before I can join the party you appear at in people's dreams. Some days, I yell and scream and cry and think that I am entitled to a response. If I just throw a big enough fit, you will come and pay attention to me. How preschool. Other days, I just want to crawl into to the grave next to you.

Most days, I have a the outward appearance of the happy, optimistic person everyone has always believed I am. But the truth is, underneath it all, a biological clock is ticking. I never used to pay attention to it, but now I listen and hope the rhythm will pick up -- all I look forward to is being in heaven with you for eternity when I get there. Please, let's never leave when I get there.

If mothers and sons can form some kind of platonic soul mate, than surely we will do that. Everything until then is time and tears (and other things that fill the void by necessity).

Comments for Come back Mom!

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Oct 07, 2014
Does it get any easier?
by: Doreen UK

Chris the only easier way forward is by taking one day at a time. Build yourself up like nurturing yourself through your grief. This special time you give to yourself will help you to heal so that your pain is not so unbearable.
If you look too far forward it can pull you down and make you feel worse. FOCUS is the key to moving forward better. Focus on something you want to do with your life and visualise your mother encouraging you to go for it. You will have that energy to move into another realm of grief where you will be able to feel a little happier with life. There is no easy way to deal with grief. But what helps me is by reaching out to God and asking Him to carry the unbearable grief for me and to help me move forward with His Comfort and strength. I do feel as if God is carrying me through this journey of grief and I hold on to the HOPE that I know there is an afterlife and I will see my loved one's again. You will be reunited with your mother again. Life does get easier over time which could be months to years. But you will RECOVER FROM YOUR GRIEF. We have to go through this and not try to escape this. New memories will come through for you of your life with your mother, and you will feel more comfortable with your life. Don't give up HOPE!
----------------

So many emotions I have endured. I know not how I kept going. I am trying to do better ,what a hard struggle grief of a child is. Like pushing an elephant up the stairs!

Oct 06, 2014
Thank you
by: Chris/Author

Thank you for those comments. Does it ever get any easier? It's been nine months for me and it is always so hard. I miss my mom and cry over her everyday. I don't know what to do to feel any better.

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Jul 30, 2014
Come back Mom!
by: Doreen UK

Chris there is a bond that moms and her children have that is so special. A mom carries her child in her womb for 9 months attached by a umbilical cord. It feels as if this cord was never cut and moms and her children are attached forever. It is the pain of death that one feels this cord is cut and this is painful. But the bond that exists will never be cut and go on forever.
Knowing there is an afterlife and we will see our mom's/loved one's again is what gives us Hope to go on living.
When my husband was ill with cancer we got a sign before diagnosis in the form of a beautiful white bird with a fan tail who sat on our garden gate. I knew then the news would be bad. But I didn't think it would be terminal and the most devastating cancer ever. He died 2yrs. ago. That white bird stayed with us for 4yrs. of the cancer journey and one year after he passed away. I knew that bird was an angel. It's very demeanor. The way he sat on the bird feeding table. How he didn't fly away when I came out of the door. How he sat perched on the table as I talked to him, and he listened as if he understood what I said. That bird was sent to look over us. What bird would come for 4yrs. He is gone now. His mission completed. I saw white feather's everywhere. not just one. But ton's on the roadside like snow. It was amazing. Beautiful. Comforting. I do believe in signs and I got mine and the memories. I have a warm glow left with me as if my husband is smiling down from heaven with God and I know all is well.

Jul 29, 2014
Come back
by: Anonymous

I am so so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Reading your words especially at the end touched my soul. You see I am a Mom who loss her son. These words - If mothers and sons can form some kind of platonic soul mate, than surely we will do that. Everything until then is time and tears (and other things that fill the void by necessity). Oh these words are so true - its been 3 years since my 28yr old son passed, and I too have seen many signs - unusual things that just cannot be explained - they are tucked away in my heart and even now 3 yrs later I still look for the signs - they aren't as often as they were but maybe I am not looking as hard. God Bless You and be with you as I know your mother is and always will be. I know your posting has touched many hearts and I pray for peace for you.

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