Coming up to one year
I must have sat at this computer a hundred times to write about my grief but I start reading other sad stories and I realise there are many people out there going through exactly what I am. Some of you will know my story. I am Alan from Australia and I lost my darling wife Phyllis suddenly on 31-1-2013 after 40 years of marriage. I am so sad all the time. I cry over nothing. I still can not believe that she has gone. After all those years, is that it? Her life was over too quickly, we still had a lot to do. Although she was in poor health, she was here. We could talk, cuddle, laugh, go to the shops if she felt OK. All I have now are the photos, videos and her things. Her little dog is my constant companion now. She wanted her to have pups and keep one that looked like her. (We have a male too). So I decided to honour her wishes and let her dog become a Mum. Would you believe it, the first pup born was exactly the same as Mum but was stillborn. The second pup also was exactly the same and she is fine and with me now. The other 5 were all different and now have good homes. My daughter said Mum has got her pup now and you have one the same. It was such an emotional time when they were born.
But I miss her so much, no-one realises what grief is like unless you are going through it. I have no motivation, I just want to sleep to get some mental rest. I never dream about my darling. Is that normal? I would love to see her in my dreams. I am dreading the 31st and re-living that awful morning although I do now anyway. I think if only I could have done something different, I could have saved her. I do know that she is free of pain, free of medications and free of doctors. For that I am happy but I still want her with me.
A lot of you guys say writing does ease the pain a bit and you're right. I do write her notes on the I pad and I have a little book I write in and I do feel better as I am writing it. So thank you for reading my post. This thing called grief is overwhelming and my prayers and best wishes go out to all who are suffering it. Alan.