Coming up to one year

by Alan

I must have sat at this computer a hundred times to write about my grief but I start reading other sad stories and I realise there are many people out there going through exactly what I am. Some of you will know my story. I am Alan from Australia and I lost my darling wife Phyllis suddenly on 31-1-2013 after 40 years of marriage. I am so sad all the time. I cry over nothing. I still can not believe that she has gone. After all those years, is that it? Her life was over too quickly, we still had a lot to do. Although she was in poor health, she was here. We could talk, cuddle, laugh, go to the shops if she felt OK. All I have now are the photos, videos and her things. Her little dog is my constant companion now. She wanted her to have pups and keep one that looked like her. (We have a male too). So I decided to honour her wishes and let her dog become a Mum. Would you believe it, the first pup born was exactly the same as Mum but was stillborn. The second pup also was exactly the same and she is fine and with me now. The other 5 were all different and now have good homes. My daughter said Mum has got her pup now and you have one the same. It was such an emotional time when they were born.
But I miss her so much, no-one realises what grief is like unless you are going through it. I have no motivation, I just want to sleep to get some mental rest. I never dream about my darling. Is that normal? I would love to see her in my dreams. I am dreading the 31st and re-living that awful morning although I do now anyway. I think if only I could have done something different, I could have saved her. I do know that she is free of pain, free of medications and free of doctors. For that I am happy but I still want her with me.
A lot of you guys say writing does ease the pain a bit and you're right. I do write her notes on the I pad and I have a little book I write in and I do feel better as I am writing it. So thank you for reading my post. This thing called grief is overwhelming and my prayers and best wishes go out to all who are suffering it. Alan.

Comments for Coming up to one year

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May 07, 2014
Coming up to one year
by: Doreen UK

Hi Alan, good to hear from you and also the update which I look forward to hearing about how you are.
I lost my husband Steve 2yrs. on Monday gone 5th May. I did have some sad thoughts and feelings but somehow felt as if God was holding me from experiencing more deep grief.
It is so profound what you said about Why? does God give us such strong powerful emotions from being married and then when we lose our loved one it feels as if our hearts have been ripped out. I have thought along the same lines. I have written often in my posts that this is one question I want to ask God. "Why does Grief Hurt so much?" This is not a crushing pain you can imagine. It is only when you have experienced it that your realise it is the worst pain EVER.
God created Man, and Woman for Man. God then created the Family. So I guess God does have some responsibility in COMFORTING us in our GRIEF. Holding us up when we need this and seeking his face when we feel it is all too much and HOW MUCH LONGER do we have to go through this pain of grief? We all want to know WHEN WILL IT END? We live in a SINFUL fallen world which is why we have DEATH. Death was never in God's Plan for us. But because of SIN Death entered this world. So I guess SIN is as Painful to God as grief IS TO US. But the Good News is that Death will be swallowed up one day by God and Death will be no more when God establishes his New Kingdom. This is something to look forward to. Being re-united with the ones we have lost. SUDDENLY. In the twinkling of an eye. This world and its grief will be over.
I guess your one year of loss feels a lot longer. For me it feels longer than 2yrs. Even taking one day at a time feels like an eternity without our loved one.
Alan May God come close to you and lift you up beyond your grief so that this day will be manageable for you and May God comfort you in a way you have never known and bring you His Peace. My sincere Best wishes to you in grief and in Life. God go with you Always!!

May 06, 2014
Coming up to one year
by: Alan (Australia)

Coming up to one year! That statement felt like I said it years ago but it was 3 months! I feel now that I am two different people. One that has to live in this crazy busy non stop world and the other that lives with intense sadness, bitter that I have to live without my darling. It's so unfair I always think. Why did "God" give us this powerful emotion of love and attachment to another person and then when they die this other powerful emotion called grief rips your heart out? I must be getting better because I don't cry every day now. I do get those "hits" quite often when I realise that my darling really has gone. Wow, they're powerful and bring me to tears.
I want to thank all my friends on this site for your support, especially Doreen and Alan in Maine (hope you're OK, my friend). I visit this site often to see how you all are and what you're feeling. Stay strong everybody. We need each other!

Feb 01, 2014
Coming up to one year
by: Anonymous

Thinking of you Alan and wishing you all the best. I know it has been a tough week for you hope you got through it. All the best. Therese

Jan 29, 2014
Coming up to one year
by: Alan

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I do get solace from your posts and I know you are going through the same heartache as me. I will keep posting and let you know how I'm going. My prayers and wishes to you all.

Jan 28, 2014
together in grief
by: Lawrence

Hi Alan,
I’m glad you are writing because it does give some relief from the grief you and I are going through, try writing a book about your intense love for each other, let your daughter know how wonderfully happy you both were.
We both lost our beloved wives around about the same time, yours from a long drawn out illness, mine in an instant, one second talking the next dying on Christmas Day 2012, but the overwhelming pain and the feeling of devastation is just the same, my tears are never far away, I miss her so dreadfully, she was part of my life for seventy years, her laughter and kisses, going upstairs to an empty cold bed, the terrible lonely house which was once so full of fun and love is now so quiet and unwelcoming I don’t even call it a home anymore, it’s just a house, bricks and mortar, a house needs love to make it a home.
Even putting the key in the door knowing my sweetheart won’t be there with her arms outstretched makes my eyes fill with tears even after all this time.
What can one say, it’s our lot, being a pair, minus one and it is hell on earth but we get through it because we have to, there is no option.
Life will never be the same again, nor would we want it to be, without someone you loved so deeply and loved in return it’s just a matter of surviving and trying to accept that the one person you adored is dead, as we knew one day would happen but we are never prepared for it.
I am in the late evening of my life but I assume you are in your sixties so do try to get an interest in your life to take some of the terrible sadness away
I fill my days with various activities, learning bridge, having violin lessons attending lectures at the UNIVERSITY anything to keep me away from my empty house, but at the end of the day I still have to return.
I thank God daily for the wonderful years we had together and my lovely family which are a great joy.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Jan 28, 2014
Coming Up to One Year
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Alan, The first year is the worst, or so they say. I feel the longer they are gone the more we miss them. My husband of 46 years is gone 31 months; June 27th it will be 3 years.
I retired on January 24th. I turned 67 on January 5th( the age my husband was when he died) and decided I wanted to now live my life without any commitments. Retirement will not be the way I thought it would be; but as I now say; my life is an adventure.
I don't know what my retirement will be without my husband, but I am now ready to find out. I will always love him and miss him, that is for sure.
Be good to yourself and do things you enjoy. Live your life for you now; that's all we can do.

Jan 28, 2014
is that it?
by: Heidi

You phrase it exactly the way I feel: “is that it?” I am so sorry that you lost your darling wife Phyllis. Losing a spouse/significant other, creates such a tremendous lasting depth of grief. And it doesn’t get any easier, does it. I just feel empty inside. People ask me if I’m doing better. I know they mean well. But how can I be doing better if every day that goes by- means that it’s one more day since I was last with my Mickey? I’m sure I used to ask the same question to others in the past – I just didn’t know how devastating it really is.

Every day I ask “Why, God, why?” I don’t understand why this happened. After being together every single day for over fifteen years, I feel like I slammed into a brick wall. Mickey’s death was caused by a hospital error from a routine procedure. My mind just can’t comprehend that he’s not here. How can he be gone just like that?

I wish I dreamt about him. His sister kept asking if he came to me in a dream. But he doesn’t. I do constantly think about him and cry a lot. I do know that he is in my thoughts as I sleep because I wake up crying.

There are so many things that I want to tell him and I can’t. So many things I’d like to do with him but will never be able to. Without him it’s just not worth it. These bottle up inside me. It does help to write in my electronic journal. But I want to be able to share stuff with him. Just like I see other couples sharing and talking and being together. I miss being able to call him or text him whenever I want. I miss the house being ‘alive’ with him being there. Just simple things like eating dinner together, or grocery shopping, or playing with the pets. We shared life and everything and he is truly my soul mate.

That is very sweet about your puppies; she has one and you have one. When someone dies, our love for them doesn’t die. It continues on and I think keeps us going. But the grief is just so overwhelming.

You are in my prayers to give you strength as this difficult date nears.

Jan 28, 2014
Coming up to one year
by: Doreen UK

Hi! Alan. Good to hear from you again. I am so sorry that you are feeling almost like you did at the beginning. Just when one feels like they are moving forward and progressing, they hit a hard time and can't get up. It is called losing MOTIVATION. I am in the same boat as you after 20 months. I thought I was doing O.K. and suddenly I have lost my MOTIVATION. I do have a lot of projects and sorting out to do and I can't be bothered. Grief makes me feel as if I have been in an explosion and still suffering the effects. I can't help feeling more now that I don't have a reason to be here. I don't feel guilty about this because it is the nature of grief. You, Judith, myself, Alassia, June, Barb, etc, have been here a long time and I miss hearing how everyone is feeling now. I appreciate You and Judith Re-posting but sorry you are both in a hard place right now. SO AM I. None of us can get over our loss of our spouses when we were joined to them for so many years.
None of us knows what to expect of grief and where it will take us. It is a new experience and a painful one. WE WANT OUR SPOUSE BACK! WE can't make grief happen and we can't stop it unless we repress our emotions and feelings which is not a wise thing to do. So also you can't force dreams of your spouse or the one we have lost. I have had so many dreams of my husband. I keep dreaming of him. I feel his presence at times. I also have a feeling that he is going to come back through that door and tell me that God sent him back because my heart was so broken. But it is only wishful thinking. This is because I am missing him so much and need to see him. I need to touch him and kiss him and love him as I did for 44yrs. Death is cruel. Grief is an experience of pain that cannot be put into words. We all feel it and so we understand what each other is going through even though at different intensities of pain and sorrow. Our Tears are the same. WE all need that personal touch. Someone to come alongside us and be a comfort in the true sense. Just a touch. A hug. A phone call to say "I was thinking of you today and I miss hearing from you!" That is how I feel about all of you on this site. I wish you well and I send you Hugs and tell you. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL." May God come close to all of us more so on those difficult days, and bring us His Comfort and Healing.

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