My name is Jewel and I have been divorced for 9 years and have never allowed myself to love since then until I met the love of my life two years ago. It was instant attraction and I completely fell in love! I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant due to some health problems, but by complete surprise we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy 16 months ago. I have two other children ages 13 and 10 and he has a 13 year old son as well.
We had become a family, the family I always wanted. As soon as I became pregnant he became verbally abusive, and it has been a roller coaster ever since. The past six months things had started getting tough because he lost his job and I was supporting all of us while trying to go back to college to get my nursing degree. He became more verbally abusive and had a terrible temper. My daughters came to hate him and never wanted to be here anymore. They were wanting to go to their dad’s to get away.
He says I was hard to get along with, but I had taken him in, financially supported all of us, continued to go to college, took care of all the kids while he laid on the couch all day and yelled at everyone in the house including the baby. I had gotten to the point where I was afraid to interact with my own baby because he would yell at me that I was doing everything wrong.
I gave up all of my friends for him. I would get yelled at if my phone would ring so I ended up being isolated from everyone in my life except for him and his friends. I was so wrapped up in trying to make him happy, which seemed impossible, that I couldn’t give any of my attention to my kids or to myself anymore. He tore my self esteem down so far that I felt worthless without him. My mood would depend on his mood. I became very co-dependent on him. The two years we were together he had a way of tearing my down but saying just the right thing to keep me hanging on to the man I fell in love with. He is extremely charismatic and charming and able to make me put up with the temper and abuse.
About a month ago I kicked him out because he went to a friends house and decided to not come home until the next morning. When he got home he was so drunk he couldn’t stand up. I finally had to put a stop to the way we were living. My problem is that I know he is not healthy for me or my children, but I am still so deeply in love with the man I know he can be that I am just heartbroken.
I cry myself to sleep every night because I miss him so much. I seem to focus only on the good times we had. I feel like I go through the stages of grief but I always end up back in denial. It is so hard when I have to see him because of the baby. I was trying to find a new picture of our son to post on FB last night and the one I chose had his hands in the background and I lost it!! I miss his hands, his smile, his laugh and his touch.
The most frustrating part of my heartache is that he has been asking other women out, talking very bad about me to our friends, but the other night he showed up over here at midnight and threatened to break the door down because he heard a man’s voice in my house (which was the t.v.) I had been asleep since 9 that night. I have no desire to be with anyone else. I don’t understand why he would freak out thinking I would move on when he hasn’t had a problem moving on.
Well, that is my story. I just want to be able to move on but I have no idea how to make my heart stop hurting. I would love any advise I can get.