Confessions of a widow (& Apologies)
(Tappy Happy, VA)
1. I think that I am in control of the situation making the most of my days (but I'm Not)
2. The days go on and I feel that I should too (but I don't)
3. People treat me as if I am a disease that they might catch. (Death is not bad luck)
4. I know that you would want me to be happy (but how?)
5. No one can possibly know what it takes to get through the day. (I mostly fake it.)
6. Tomorrow the sun will shine (but will I?)
7. I doubt my sanity, My thinking muddled trying to concentrate on the simplest of tasks.
8. I try to be optimistic but the pessimistic self doubt will try to take away that.
9. I am self centered, strong, weak and all of these things because I Loved you fully and you were part of who I became.
10. I Still Love and Miss You and do not understand my purpose in life without you. (yet)
I feel that an apology is in order. All the anger and unfairness that I have wrote about these last days. It is not who I am really, just a small frustrating part.
In whole I am adapting, getting stronger learning to do things I never thought possible. Making a life for myself and my son.
There are days I stare in awe at the colors of Fall all around me. Yet I write of the falling leaves, Winters arrival and doom. Yesterday morning was so crisp that the air felt like menthol as I breathed it in. It was invigorating.
These are the things that we need to take it, the positive things instead of dwelling on what we lost and how lost we are. Drowning in our own sorrow.
Those around us ("normal" people not widowed) do not want to hear us blather on. The lonely widow is boring. So we come here to dump these thoughts hoping that some one, Anyone will understand and reply. This quiet desperation, the lows, Tomorrow the highs. I guess we all want to know are we normal?
Christmas? I am not ready...
I just pulled out the Christmas stuff by accident. The weird thing is....I just put it away last month. That is how long it took me from Dec-Oct to FINALLY put it away.
Even given my state of mind, you would think Alarms and Bells would go off. WARNING DO NOT OPEN memories enclosed...
But I did thinking it was Winter clothes that I need to get to now that the weather is turning chilly. We need to wear more flannels now that there is no one to keep us warm at night. Sorry to say but it is true. And Christmas...
Is there anyone out there who can tell me that we are supposed to be celebrating?!! The birth of Jesus, ( I know that) Celebration of Family (ouch) and Friends.
The actual friends that stood by you in this long and painful process of grief.
How do we celebrate? That is without being sad :( I know there is comfort and joy (some days) But just Seeing the tree, garland and lights made my heart skip a beat and my stomach pull up into my mouth.
I need to get back up there and face those fears but would appreciate any advice for Facing the Holidays.
Especially when you truly would rather be alone.