Confessions of a widow (& Apologies)

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Confessions of a widow (& Apologies)

by Hope
(Tappy Happy, VA)

1. I think that I am in control of the situation making the most of my days (but I'm Not)

2. The days go on and I feel that I should too (but I don't)

3. People treat me as if I am a disease that they might catch. (Death is not bad luck)

4. I know that you would want me to be happy (but how?)

5. No one can possibly know what it takes to get through the day. (I mostly fake it.)

6. Tomorrow the sun will shine (but will I?)

7. I doubt my sanity, My thinking muddled trying to concentrate on the simplest of tasks.

8. I try to be optimistic but the pessimistic self doubt will try to take away that.

9. I am self centered, strong, weak and all of these things because I Loved you fully and you were part of who I became.

10. I Still Love and Miss You and do not understand my purpose in life without you. (yet)

-------------

I feel that an apology is in order. All the anger and unfairness that I have wrote about these last days. It is not who I am really, just a small frustrating part.

In whole I am adapting, getting stronger learning to do things I never thought possible. Making a life for myself and my son.

There are days I stare in awe at the colors of Fall all around me. Yet I write of the falling leaves, Winters arrival and doom. Yesterday morning was so crisp that the air felt like menthol as I breathed it in. It was invigorating.

These are the things that we need to take it, the positive things instead of dwelling on what we lost and how lost we are. Drowning in our own sorrow.

Those around us ("normal" people not widowed) do not want to hear us blather on. The lonely widow is boring. So we come here to dump these thoughts hoping that some one, Anyone will understand and reply. This quiet desperation, the lows, Tomorrow the highs. I guess we all want to know are we normal?

all apologies
HH

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Christmas? I am not ready...

I just pulled out the Christmas stuff by accident. The weird thing is....I just put it away last month. That is how long it took me from Dec-Oct to FINALLY put it away.

Even given my state of mind, you would think Alarms and Bells would go off. WARNING DO NOT OPEN memories enclosed...

But I did thinking it was Winter clothes that I need to get to now that the weather is turning chilly. We need to wear more flannels now that there is no one to keep us warm at night. Sorry to say but it is true. And Christmas...

Is there anyone out there who can tell me that we are supposed to be celebrating?!! The birth of Jesus, ( I know that) Celebration of Family (ouch) and Friends.
The actual friends that stood by you in this long and painful process of grief.

How do we celebrate? That is without being sad :( I know there is comfort and joy (some days) But just Seeing the tree, garland and lights made my heart skip a beat and my stomach pull up into my mouth.

I need to get back up there and face those fears but would appreciate any advice for Facing the Holidays.
Especially when you truly would rather be alone.
HH

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Confessions of a widow (& Apologies)

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confessions of a widow
by: Jules

Hope - I am feeling your pain right now as your anniversary approaches - please take comfort knowing that we are all thinking of you at this time, and that we are here for you.

I don't like the title of this post - why should we have to apologise - we haven't done anything wrong - what do we have to confess - that we are grieving, that we are normal, that we loved our lost partner? I don't feel that I need to apologise to anyone, if people can't understand our grief, that is their problem.

Well, that is my little rant for now, I am having a bit of a "sad Sunday", I find this day is one of the hardest, we always did something on a Sunday - went to a market, took a drive, out to lunch, and these things are not the same on your own, so please bear with me, I will be better tomorrow.

Take care
jules

Acceptance/ Adjustment?
by: Hope

Zoe,

I think that part of my problem is that I am forcing acceptance. And I cannot successfully do that(yet). I guess adjustment would be the proper word and I thank you for pointing that out.
I think that I should be further in the whole grief process with the year mark just days away.

Part of me asks how did I get past this year? and another part questions my ability to get further, it is as if it just happened forever ago yesterday.

I find myself still pushing away people yet reaching for them desperately, as if they can fix this lingering grief. I do not bother them as much, as you know they are done with the whole pity party.

You have an amazing way with words that I wish I had so that I could describe these feelings inside that fight each other. Trying to survive the worst time of my life but wanting to crawl into bed and shut everyone out.

It is like Fred Flintstones cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. But it is the past on one shoulder and the future on the other and they fight for the lead.

You have come sooooooo far and I think that we all have gained a strength that we never thought that we had. As you say one breath one step at a time. Thanks so much for every thing...
HH

Widows
by: Zoe

Oh my Hope, we will be here with you, it is like candles in the wind.. we bend which ever the way the wind takes us (oh goodness I have been reduced to quoting elton john.. ) but the visual is true.. we have no control. Remember this is not about acceptance.. it is about adjusting to a life not our choice.. we would never choose this. But what it does do is make us understand things that most people never grasp. You are not lost, you are in uncharted territory. The problem is that you are there without him. I know that one...

but you are not alone, we are here with you, and though I may be held together by string and bubble gum, I will gladly share some with you until you get to the next mark.

write to us, tell us how you are what you are doing..

zoe

Weak
by: HH

I feel so weak as one holiday passes and forces me to the year mark next Monday 12/06/10. I will be here daily reading or writing, gathering strength from you all who have helped me through the worst time of my life. Thank You all so very much for being here when I feel so...Lost.
Hope

confessions of a widow
by: jules

Hope - Jen - Judith - Zoe - Patricia - Barbara - and others whose names escape me (apologies) - Christmas is coming - very fast - we will need each other more than ever - keep in touch over the holidays - if you feel you need to get away from people get on here - put your feelings down - you know we will understand - only too well.

I am heading down to my old home to have Christmas with my son and his partner - her parents are coming with me - neither of them have been out of Queensland (Australia), nor been on a plane - so I will have to look after them, drive to the airport etc. - so there will be a lot of people around, and I will be in our old home, though they have changed it around a lot, and I will be very busy.

Keep busy, post on here when you need, love the people who are with you - they love you, and want to help.
take care
jules

confessions of a widow...
by: Anonymous

Barbra,

If my ramblings help you through your day then by all means copy them.
HH

Please don't apologize!!!
by: Barbara

I don't see any need for an apology. As a matter of fact I was going to ask you if I could copy your 10 confessions. They are so real and I feel them all the time. By the way can I copy them?
Holidays......They are sooo hard. Last year was my all my firsts.

Randy was killed in a motor cycle accident Sept 09. My first first was my birthday and our anniversary. Randy chose the day after my birthday for our wedding so that we could "celebrate" for 2 days. Then Halloween (his favorite holiday). Thanksgiving was very quiet and Christmas I pulled out the prelit tree with no other trimmings.

This year I'm going to try and do more. Not as much for me but for our daughters. I have yet to figure out what my new normal is. I can't even keep a routine going. I know that with the Lords help someday I will look back and say WOW! I've made it a long way.

I have also been told the second year is the hardest because for the first year you were too numb to remember it. I believe this is true with all the feelings that keep coming out of me.

We will all hang out here together and we will have each other as friends. Friends who understand us. This holiday season I'm not only going to miss Randy I will have all of us on my mind knowing I'm not the only one going through this.
Barb

widow... i hate that word!!!
by: Jen

Hope,

Even tho Richard was buried on the 21 Dec 2008 i get thro initially by my girls and i heading to london over the anniversary again this year.
I still enjoy christmas with the kids altho there are extremely awful times to like doing Santa on your own as you know, and yes putting that bloody awful mask on of 'coping'.

Much as i manage i spend christmas day with Richard's parents so there is a lot of feeling around that table. I'm feeling empty at the minute and lonely.

Hope, we will get thro it, we have to for the kids, but as you know there will be a lot of loneliness in that celebration and I'm feeling it already.

I'm not much chat at the minute but hopefully get back on form soon,

Keep going,

Ps I know i will be thinking of all on this site tho..
Jenx

No apologies required here
by: Judith

Dear Hope, we are not defined by the names we are called by others. And you will think the way you feel until you are healed from this devastating time in your life. My husband died two months ago and I know the things I'm telling you are true. We must have our thoughts and make no apologies for them. We are grieving and if people get bored then so be it. I would not assume they are bored maybe they just no longer know how to respond to someone who has lost a major part of their lives. And unless they go through it they never will.

I saw an old friend the other day or so I thought he was, but the minute I started crying he immediately became uncomfortable and said "let's not talk about it just be strong and keep your chin up". I told him I have to be me and do whatever I need and talk about it until. I said goodbye and hope I never run into him again. Gosh people can say the most stupid stuff.

Anyway Hope, We must not let this define us and one day we'll look back and read our blogs and see that we have come a long way from this. We just grieve and get to know who we are all over again and love and care for ourselves.

Judith

No Apologies Necessary
by: Patricia

I understand and believe me I walk the same road as you. What does the word widow mean?
The noun WIDOW has 1 sense:
1. a woman whose husband is dead especially one who has not remarried
The verb WIDOW has 1 sense:
1. cause to be without a spouse
So simple but so complex and we live it each day. So it is what it is and will be ~ Our life's forever changed, distorted and ripped apart body and soul. There is anger and unfairness because we have lost out hearts and soul. They say time will heal, its just time to learn how to live without until its time to go. There are good days and bad days and we will go on, so no need for apologies.
I try to remember, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

No apologies
by: Zoe

The one thing I am certain of is this site and
Those of us who come here
You never have to apologize for what you
Say here this is the safe place where you
Can say those things others do not want to
Hear or say what you feel but dare not say
To others because they have no clue how to
React
You give so much to those of us who path is
Not like yours
Thank you for allowing us to give something
Back to you
Zoe

Confessions of a widow
by: Jules

I too have those same confessions - some of the time - but as you say we try and focus on the positives - use this site as a sounding board instead of our friends and family.

We will get there, we will continue, we will survive - because we have to. We can cope, we can function on a "normal" level. People who are not widows do not really understand just how it feels to be one. It is the loneliest feeling you will ever know.

But we continue, we can enjoy ourselves, just in a different way these days.

I don't like the phrase "moving on" it feels like I am leaving John behind, and he is still right next to me - for always I hope.

So I suppose we should count our blessings, our beautiful children, grandchildren, good friends, lovely surroundings, we are alive, and carrying on living a worthwhile life.
jules

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Confessions of a widow (& Apologies)