Confused made me make poor decisions

Much the same in my experience with ex as I have read here. She was always able to break away and disconnect so quickly......I always wondered how she could do that because the way I love, I could never walk away so abruptly. She would do 180's like it was nothing. She had the biggest most generous heart, could be so sweet loving and caring, but it came at a price because there were times when she would withhold all of this from me and project her coldness. We broke up about two months ago and it has been very painful. She had divorced twice and hadn't dated for three years when we met. In our 2.5 years together I also heard many times "sometimes love isn't enough", so when I read this in other experiences I was honestly shocked. I always thought that was an odd comment. I would respond, "love is all you need", but she didn't believe that. She had to be in control too, could be highly critical, demanding, was quick-triggered rageful at times, and would abandon me and the relationship seemingly out of nowhere. I spent countless efforts trying to effectively communicate healthy resolutions, but often times we just ran circles around each other. I used reason, logic, rationale, but she often times would not see her own dysfunction. I was the therapist, but in her mind I was the culprit. It seemed that our relationship had to make up for the failures of her marriages, but I am now learning that perhaps it was her personality that caused those marriages to fail, and not the marriages that caused her personality. We lived three hours from each other so that made it even more difficult. She wanted to see each other every weekend and had an extremely difficult time staying home alone. Many times during arguments she would get so frustrated she would grab her bags and leave my apartment acting as if the relationship was over and spent the night in her car. She would later say she only intended to leave, but she left as if it were over. It was cyclical, she would cut and run, I would real her back, we would have some time of goodness, and the process would start all over again. I finally told her that if she threatened to leave or actually did leave that I wouldn't come after anymore, but I could never follow through with it. A year in she broke up through an email. 1.5 years in she broke up on the phone as she was coming to visit me, told me not to call her and hung up and gave me the silent treatment for two months. I sent her a card and she called me. Because I actually cared about her and loved her, and supposedly she me, we got back together. Her rages were often worsened if she had a few drinks too. Twice she kicked me out of her place over little disagreements, mainly her inability to be respectful to my polite requests about relationship type expectations. She always had a wall, always had a foot a mile out the door. Toward the end I could'nt handle the distance any longer and moved to her town and in with her, a mistake. She agreed to it, but after a month, she blew up and took her frustration out on me for an entire day calling me all kinds of names and was just ugly and mean. I almost left that day, but stayed for another month. In the end, I left, which was extremely difficult because I loved her and she wanted me to stay and work on the relationship. I was very confused, hurt, and no longer had any real ability to make decisions. I had lost confidence in who I was and placed resumes for jobs out of the area. Was offered a job out of the country and after painstaking deliberation for a couple weeks, accepted it. I stayed on for a month before I left and we had a honeymoon period of being sweet to each other, she was going to visit me and we were going to see how things went. Once a strong and capable decision maker in life, I became somebody who was upside down and when i got over to the job, had severe inability to sleep and major bouts of anxiety, and was unable to get it together to quickly adjust and returned to the U.S. I told her I wanted to work on the relationship, told her I made a mistake and told her how much she meant to me and that I wanted to do things the right way, get my own place in her town, and seek counseling together. She had already begun counseling for her anger before I left. Anyway, she cut me off and said she was no longer in my life and was moving on, that we weren't good for each other. I had been gone less than two weeks total. I left alot things at her place too which we had decided she would take care of and I would come get when i got back to the states, or if we stayed together i would move back to her town. She reneged on it and told me she would ship it, then told me she would meet me, then said she would ship it, but all along was just keeping me from driving to her town (11 hour drive). In the end we decided to meet we chose a place that was 3/4 of the way to her town and were going to transfer my stuff from her car to mine, but an hour before we were to meet at my hotel, she text me that that she had put my stuff in a storage unit, gave me the address, and combination. Needless to say, I was shocked, hurt, and pissed off! Needless to say, its back to the silent treatment and I feel just like i felt so many times in the relationship, like we'll never talk again, but this time I know it is the real thing. Now I am learning about BPD and still suffering from the devaluing, abandonment, projected anger, loss of confidence, and extreme pain left over from all the hurtful behavior by her and that I am now having to start over with my life, new home, new job, new everything. Most of all, I still love her, I miss her companionship and I am at a loss sometimes on how too feel about all of it. I know I wrote a lot here and I probably sound like a complete fool, but hopefully, my story will be met with empathy by those who have been subjected to similar experiences..

Comments for Confused made me make poor decisions

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Dec 13, 2011
by: Rebecca

You sound like a very nice person and I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I think you deserve someone who will treat you a lot better.I came to this site because I lost my husband after 36 years. He died July 31,2011 he was my soul-mate.
I have a poem I thought might help you. It goes like this.
"If you love someone very,very much"
"Let them go free and if they return"
"Then they were meant to be yours"

P.S. Please feel free to email me anytime!

Dec 13, 2011
women in pain
by: Anonymous

Dear Confused, I am shocked to read this because this behavior that you describe is how I act toward men. I have survived emotional, sexual and physical abuse. When I was young i was very beautiful, later I used my beauty to exact vengeance and pain on men. i had to give up my baby that I wanted because the father had so badly abused me. I spent over 6 months in and out of hospitals i was so badly abused. one year later I forgot my age and my face changed. My eyes changed. I have never been the same. Because when this happened I was so sexually inexperienced I began to assume that that was how men were. I believed that they could not feel. I have not as of yet been able to trust anyone ever. I always have one foot out the door I give men reasons to leave I break up with them all the time and i have serious anger management issues that interfere with all of the relationships that I have with others. Everything that you are feeling is what i did not assume it was possible for a man to feel. I know that this sounds foolish but I appreciate that you wrote this. I believe that you are a sensitive person. She needs to heal in some other way than through you, I am not saying that we are the same but it sounds to me that she is furious and that anger, that wrath is blind. It will run its course until she is able to set it free. She needs therapy and if you interact with her it should be through therapy and in a way that the therapist suggests. Even if she loves you dearly she can not control her pain and it will end up ruining your life she will only hurt you if she does not choose to actively seek counseling an actively change. I would know, because I have done this to many men, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop. Relationships are almost totally too much for me emotionally. I have to heal, first and accept that there are good people like you who are alive. thank you

Dec 13, 2011
Now Be Clear
by: Judith

Definitely empathy here for your situation..That being said ,It's now time for YOU. For you to love yourself and refuse to never let anyone treat you abusively ever again. She had more problems than you could ever in a lifetime fix. ANd you would never be qualified to fix them . She needs professional help in a big way and the time it would take for that is longer than you can or should give. Did you feel you were needed, loved and cared for? You can only fix you.

What you miss is what you thought you two could be in your heart not what it really was, abusive, hurtful and crazy making at best.
Maybe she was so pretty outside that you couldn't see her ugliness deep within.

It's time to feel strong and let it go completely. To find a wonderful person who will treat you as richly caring as you are. You have to feel you deserve better than what you had. One day you will see how good it feels to have been let go.

Please go slowly .

Speaking from experience my dear. The worst thing being in a toxic relationship for one year is being in one for one year and a day.

Dec 13, 2011
thank you
by: Anonymous

Just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage and love to put your stuff out there in hopes of it being helpful to people. It was helpful to me and I appreciate the wisdom I gleaned from reading it. God bless you.

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