Confused made me make poor decisions
Much the same in my experience with ex as I have read here. She was always able to break away and disconnect so quickly......I always wondered how she could do that because the way I love, I could never walk away so abruptly. She would do 180's like it was nothing. She had the biggest most generous heart, could be so sweet loving and caring, but it came at a price because there were times when she would withhold all of this from me and project her coldness. We broke up about two months ago and it has been very painful. She had divorced twice and hadn't dated for three years when we met. In our 2.5 years together I also heard many times "sometimes love isn't enough", so when I read this in other experiences I was honestly shocked. I always thought that was an odd comment. I would respond, "love is all you need", but she didn't believe that. She had to be in control too, could be highly critical, demanding, was quick-triggered rageful at times, and would abandon me and the relationship seemingly out of nowhere. I spent countless efforts trying to effectively communicate healthy resolutions, but often times we just ran circles around each other. I used reason, logic, rationale, but she often times would not see her own dysfunction. I was the therapist, but in her mind I was the culprit. It seemed that our relationship had to make up for the failures of her marriages, but I am now learning that perhaps it was her personality that caused those marriages to fail, and not the marriages that caused her personality. We lived three hours from each other so that made it even more difficult. She wanted to see each other every weekend and had an extremely difficult time staying home alone. Many times during arguments she would get so frustrated she would grab her bags and leave my apartment acting as if the relationship was over and spent the night in her car. She would later say she only intended to leave, but she left as if it were over. It was cyclical, she would cut and run, I would real her back, we would have some time of goodness, and the process would start all over again. I finally told her that if she threatened to leave or actually did leave that I wouldn't come after anymore, but I could never follow through with it. A year in she broke up through an email. 1.5 years in she broke up on the phone as she was coming to visit me, told me not to call her and hung up and gave me the silent treatment for two months. I sent her a card and she called me. Because I actually cared about her and loved her, and supposedly she me, we got back together. Her rages were often worsened if she had a few drinks too. Twice she kicked me out of her place over little disagreements, mainly her inability to be respectful to my polite requests about relationship type expectations. She always had a wall, always had a foot a mile out the door. Toward the end I could'nt handle the distance any longer and moved to her town and in with her, a mistake. She agreed to it, but after a month, she blew up and took her frustration out on me for an entire day calling me all kinds of names and was just ugly and mean. I almost left that day, but stayed for another month. In the end, I left, which was extremely difficult because I loved her and she wanted me to stay and work on the relationship. I was very confused, hurt, and no longer had any real ability to make decisions. I had lost confidence in who I was and placed resumes for jobs out of the area. Was offered a job out of the country and after painstaking deliberation for a couple weeks, accepted it. I stayed on for a month before I left and we had a honeymoon period of being sweet to each other, she was going to visit me and we were going to see how things went. Once a strong and capable decision maker in life, I became somebody who was upside down and when i got over to the job, had severe inability to sleep and major bouts of anxiety, and was unable to get it together to quickly adjust and returned to the U.S. I told her I wanted to work on the relationship, told her I made a mistake and told her how much she meant to me and that I wanted to do things the right way, get my own place in her town, and seek counseling together. She had already begun counseling for her anger before I left. Anyway, she cut me off and said she was no longer in my life and was moving on, that we weren't good for each other. I had been gone less than two weeks total. I left alot things at her place too which we had decided she would take care of and I would come get when i got back to the states, or if we stayed together i would move back to her town. She reneged on it and told me she would ship it, then told me she would meet me, then said she would ship it, but all along was just keeping me from driving to her town (11 hour drive). In the end we decided to meet we chose a place that was 3/4 of the way to her town and were going to transfer my stuff from her car to mine, but an hour before we were to meet at my hotel, she text me that that she had put my stuff in a storage unit, gave me the address, and combination. Needless to say, I was shocked, hurt, and pissed off! Needless to say, its back to the silent treatment and I feel just like i felt so many times in the relationship, like we'll never talk again, but this time I know it is the real thing. Now I am learning about BPD and still suffering from the devaluing, abandonment, projected anger, loss of confidence, and extreme pain left over from all the hurtful behavior by her and that I am now having to start over with my life, new home, new job, new everything. Most of all, I still love her, I miss her companionship and I am at a loss sometimes on how too feel about all of it. I know I wrote a lot here and I probably sound like a complete fool, but hopefully, my story will be met with empathy by those who have been subjected to similar experiences..