Confused Widower trying to learn how to accept my new life

My best freind in the whole world and I got married on June 18 2011. We were freinds for 24 years total lived together for 5-1/2 years and was married for 18 months.
She died on January 20 2013 of lung cancer. I can't begin to tell you the emptyness I feel in my heart. I have been trying to adjust to this new life but keep falling back ito the same depressed mode. I tryed to find support groups nothing in my area. Now the holidays are coming and I feel more and more alone. How do you go on? I know everyone on here feels the pain I just need some advice on how to accept, understand and move ahead with my life. Thanks

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Nov 23, 2013
Confused Widower trying to learn how to accept my new life.
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your wife to lung cancer. some of us become numb with our grief and have a hard time accepting what happened. Sometimes we get stuck in grief and can't move forward. It takes many of us years to move beyond our loss of a loved one. Once we have accepted our loss it is then good to take only ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I coped and learned this on this site. I nurtured myself back from grief by doing something good for myself each day to feel better from where I was at. I then bathed myself in T.V. and the God Channel which was full of encouragement. I lost my husband to lung cancer 18 months ago. He worked with asbestos and as a young man in his 20's he then developed a slow growing tumour in his lung which takes 40yrs. to develop. This cancer is incurable, inoperable, and aggressive. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days before he died. A most horrible painful cancer to watch my husband die of slowly. With Christmas coming up it is the most lonely and miserable time to be without one's life partner. Best thing is not to become isolated. Try and put people in your life or organise things to do with other people that will help you move each day better. You will soon find your life expands and you start to feel better about yourself. But still taking one day at a time. At first it is very hard to motivate oneself to do anything. But I found that nurturing myself helped. Build on doing all the nice things for yourself each day. Don't stop. Losing a partner is one of the worst experiences of one's life. You don't only know half of you is missing but you feel it also. This is the part that takes a long time to heal. It is only with time that we will recover from grief but it is a slow healing process. It is a very confusing time of disbelief. One can't forget all the memories of living with someone. I hope the days ahead will get easier for you and that you will be comforted in your sorrow and loss.

Nov 22, 2013
Learnig to live new life
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Confused,
As Judith said, it is a roller coastr ride, our journey of grief.
This is my third Thanksgiving without my husband. They say things will get easier and better. My husband died June 27, 2011. He had a massive heart attack. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I still talk to him everyday, as if he was here. He is physically gone, but he lives in my heart.
When you lose some one you love, you never really get over it. We slowly learn how to go on without them, always keeping them tucked safely in our heart.
Shed those tears. Tears are healing and I remember crying in the grocery store; for months I cried in church and I'd hear a song and I'd cry. I remember hearing "Blue Christmas" and "I'll Be Home For Christmas", the first Christmas wihout him as I was driving the car and I cried all the way home.
Acceptance for me is what it's all about. I don't like my "New Life" or "New Normal', but this is the life I have. It is what it is. I know I am not alone in my journey of grief. I have met widows who lost their husbands 10, 15 years. They told me your life is never the same, but we do go on.
Grieve as you need to. There isn't a time limit on our grief.

Nov 22, 2013
confused widower
by: dianne

I am so sorry for your loss I lost my son earlier this year so my sympathies are with you I take one day at a time I have good and bad days I try to think of the good times I was lucky enough to share with him and my love will always remain in my heart for him I visit him every day at his resting place and I will never forget him our loved ones know the love we have for them and are always in our hearts .My life is so different without him here with me as im sure yours is the emptiness we feel I hope will lessen in time.My thought and sympathies are with you in the stages of grief we experience just one day at a time and remember the good times hugs to you x

Nov 22, 2013
keep busy
by: Lawrence

Confused widower.

As a fellow widower I know and understand the pain and anguish you are suffering, it is a very hard journey and I can only say you will never feel as bad in your life again as you are feeling now, which I know is no consolation
You ask how can you accept and understand losing your cherished wife; I wish I knew the answer because after eleven months since my own beloved wife died I am still having difficulty facing up to life without her, it’s incredibly empty and lonely.
The acute pain and feeling of devastation will ease as the months go by, the tears will not flow so readily but don’t be surprised at your vulnerability, and anything can start them off, as I have found out often to my embarrassment.
I can only suggest you try to fill your days with anything that gets you out of the house, the local library to read the newspapers or social club, learn to play something you have never done before, I am trying to learn bridge and it’s taxing my brain but it’s easing the pain of my loss.I am also having violin lessons after a lay off of seventy years,my last lesson was in 1943 and the bombs were still dropping,but it's amazing how quickly you can remember the old skills.
Keep your mind active and away from dwelling on your own personal tragedy, it’s hard I know.
You will never forget her but you have to get on with your life as she would have wished.
You have joined a club nobody ever wanted to be a member of but life being life we had no option.
Take care
Lawrence

Nov 22, 2013
Trying to learn
by: Judith in California

Dear Confused, I'm so sorry for the loss of your love. No, it's not easy this grief journey. It's the most horrible roller coaster ride of emotions. Your heartbreak can not be healed except with time and the support of family and friends who understand such loss.
It will take all the strength you have and the help of God to move through the stages of grief. They don't always come in order. And whatever you do please cry until you feel there are no more tears and take all the time you need as there is no time limit to move past your loss. You will always have a hole in your heart that nothing or no one else can fill.

It's one breath, one minute, one day at a time.

It's been 3 years for me and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him but I do keep on. I never thought I'd get used to my new normal but I am learning to cope with each new day.

I pray for you peace and acceptance on the far side of your journey.

Please read more post in the lost spouse section to see how others have learned to cope with their loss.

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