Coping with a loss

by Lisa
(Milwaukie, Oregon)

My dad died on September 28, 2012. It has almost been two months. He went in for lung cancer surgery at the end of August. The surgery went well, altough they found more cancer, but he pulled through. He was in ICU for two days, then moved to a regular room. He made good progress. He was in the hospital for nine days.

He got out and in two days, my sister (who is a nurse) took him back to the hospital, because he was having a hard time breathing. He was in emergency, then back to ICU. At his first surgery, they gave him a heart medicine and after a series of events, the doctors realized he had a bad reaction to the heart medication, which takes days to get out of his system. He had his good and bad days and then they had to put him on a tube to help him breath better. It was hard not to communicate with my dad and you could tell he was frustrated. He was on the vent for a week and then the doctors had to maybe come to terms what to do next. Long story short, the doctors didn't think he could recover and my sister and I and my mom made the decision to take him off the vent. The doctors lowered his sadation so he could understand us. My sister told him the bad news and you could tell he understood. He had tears in his eyes. I begged my sister and mom to give it more time for him to heal. In the end, I watched my dad dad and being taken off the vent. My husband was there, my mom, my sister and her husband. It took only twenty minutes for him to pass.

It has been very hard and I loved my dad dearly. We had a small military service for him and then went out to lunch. He was cremated and sits in my mom's living room for now.

My sister and I got necklaces that has my dad's fingerprint on it-I wear it 24/7.

It will be two months on 11/28 and with Thanksgiving coming up and Christmas, I am having a hard time. I never knew losing my dad could be so hard. So many changes and things will never be the same.

I do ok at work, but coming home I am sad and I am having a hard time being happy. I cry for no reason and It is just hard.

Comments for Coping with a loss

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Nov 21, 2012
Your not alone
by: Mks

I understand completely.... My dad just passed away october 11th and we also made the decision to take him off the ventilator. I have decided this is one of those moments in life that people can not begin to understand unless they too have been through it... Much like having a baby... You don't understand the love of a child until you have one and on that same note you can't understand the pain of losing your father until you live it. We move on and cope with life because we have to and it is what our fathers would have wanted but it certainly doesn't make it easy. My heart aches that my daughter will probably not remember her Papa except for what I tell her... I miss my dad every day but do find some comfort in knowing he is not suffering anymore and by something a friend told me... While it may seem like death to us when they take their last breath It is really them taking their first breath as they are born again into eternity. I may not always be the most religious but I find comfort in believing I have an extra angel now.

Nov 14, 2012
You cry for a reason
by: Anonymous

You cry because ur a person with feelings and dealing with something like this isnt easy i lost my dad when i was three i thought i cryed for no reason too. Then a week before i tured 11 my step dad died and that wasnt easy and now i dont even show my feeling just because i thought it was stupied when i cryed and its not stupied your a human with feelings and its ok to cry

Nov 13, 2012
Loss of a dear dad.
by: Mary

i lost my dad two months ago, He suffered from a stroke in may and had a major stroke last september, he died four days later. it is so hard to move on, he was always there for us and was a brillant dad. My mam is on her own now, the family is large, so we all do our days. It is only hitting us now.

Nov 13, 2012
Coping with a loss
by: Doreen U.K.

Lisa I am sorry for your loss of your Dad from lung cancer. All the feelings you describe is the worst feelings of Grief. It will feel much worse than you could imagine this loss to be. You will cry and feel sad and lonely for a long long time.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. Steve's cancer was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. I nursed him for 3yrs.39days. Steve had lost all quality of life from the first day of Chemo and he knew he was going to die for over 3yrs. which is so cruel for anyone to have to wait this out. I can't tell you how painful it is to watch your loved one die slowly and you can do nothing. Every day is so precious but devastating. Life is so very cruel. I have 3 Adult children who lost a father and they are not coping well with the loss. But they have their own families so life goes on for them. Your mother is the one who will feel so lost and ALONE. Her Grief will be different from yours. Perhaps you will be able to support each other at this difficult time for all of you. Family Functions will never be the same when important family members are missing from the circle. The very atmosphere of life changes. It almost feels as if I have been in an explosion and hard to go on. But we rise to see a new day and carry on as best as we can in the Hope that Time will Heal those Wounds of Grief and Loss.

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