Could I be going crazy?
For whatever reason, I am holding on to this thought and feeling that I will be with him in the afterlife. Everyday I get up and think how I could see him and it's one more day closer. I feel he is communicating with me and I am getting messages.
When he died he took part me with him. I'll never be the same person again, happy, in love, kindhearted and brave. Today I feel weak, unsure of myself, not strong. At the cemetery a bird was in the sky, alone, and stopped flying only to flap it's wings while staying in the same spot. I believe HE was waving- I swear the feeling was incredible.
I'll be on the computer and a song that he wanted me to get suddenly came up with the lyrics, out of nowhere. I asked him why he left me. I was sobbing and then later when I regained my composure driving along, a car pulls in front of me out of nowhere and hits a deer, right in front if me. I should have been the car in that position. But no, he was telling me it was an accident.
At least I know now that it wasn't suicide, it was an accidental overdose. For 2 years I suspected, and he denied his dark secret very adamantly. Afraid to lose me, hiding his addiction. We lived apart mainly because I wasn't ready to let everyone , especially my kids who are 20 and 26, know about my life with him. I wasn't ready but knew they'd have to know eventually.
At night, I feel someone touching my hair, my arm, my blankets. He has been communicating for months. Too many events have happened for this page. I just want to know if I'm totally nuts. I have always been grounded, love my children, and my family and have 5 very close friends since grade school. This I would never discuss with them or anyone. So I write of my pain behind a keyboard where nobody knows me. I have kept my life secret, my pain belongs to me and my heart is with him in spirit. I hope this isn't the steps to going crazy and only a part of my grieving.
All of you have given me strength and this site reassures me I am not alone. Yet, all I can do is try to get along day by day and smile when I think he's here. Thank you to those responsible for this site. It has helped me for the last 4 months even if I don't write. To write took some courage. I miss him so much.