Could I be going crazy?

by Karen
(Chicago)

For whatever reason, I am holding on to this thought and feeling that I will be with him in the afterlife. Everyday I get up and think how I could see him and it's one more day closer. I feel he is communicating with me and I am getting messages.

When he died he took part me with him. I'll never be the same person again, happy, in love, kindhearted and brave. Today I feel weak, unsure of myself, not strong. At the cemetery a bird was in the sky, alone, and stopped flying only to flap it's wings while staying in the same spot. I believe HE was waving- I swear the feeling was incredible.

I'll be on the computer and a song that he wanted me to get suddenly came up with the lyrics, out of nowhere. I asked him why he left me. I was sobbing and then later when I regained my composure driving along, a car pulls in front of me out of nowhere and hits a deer, right in front if me. I should have been the car in that position. But no, he was telling me it was an accident.

At least I know now that it wasn't suicide, it was an accidental overdose. For 2 years I suspected, and he denied his dark secret very adamantly. Afraid to lose me, hiding his addiction. We lived apart mainly because I wasn't ready to let everyone , especially my kids who are 20 and 26, know about my life with him. I wasn't ready but knew they'd have to know eventually.

At night, I feel someone touching my hair, my arm, my blankets. He has been communicating for months. Too many events have happened for this page. I just want to know if I'm totally nuts. I have always been grounded, love my children, and my family and have 5 very close friends since grade school. This I would never discuss with them or anyone. So I write of my pain behind a keyboard where nobody knows me. I have kept my life secret, my pain belongs to me and my heart is with him in spirit. I hope this isn't the steps to going crazy and only a part of my grieving.

All of you have given me strength and this site reassures me I am not alone. Yet, all I can do is try to get along day by day and smile when I think he's here. Thank you to those responsible for this site. It has helped me for the last 4 months even if I don't write. To write took some courage. I miss him so much.

Comments for Could I be going crazy?

Click here to add your own comments

Nov 30, 2010
Mind or matter
by:

Karen,

I so remember hearing songs thinking that they were intended for me. I would walk in the door and Teslas Love song would come on the radio. I would be upset and the broken door bell would ring. I would go to look through the front door and feel as if I were stepping into him somehow and he was wrapping me with a reassuring love that things would be o.k.

Early in my grief I sat on the picnic table sobbing alone not wanting my then 11 year old to see and I swear that I could feel him behind me wrapping his arms around me comforting me. There are probably a lot of people who experience such things (if they are open and paying attention). If they are from your mind then we needed it at the time.

If such things are possible and there is a way for them to comfort us from far far away, that too is amazing. I do know that being tuned in, open to the possibility even if we are skeptics little things happen. And it helps us through so no harm done right? My best to you in your grief journey...
HH

Nov 26, 2010
No you are not crazy
by: Anonymous

"It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure." 2 Samuel 22:33

Karen,
Please take courage from the text above. That is where our strength comes from to go through any experience either wonderful or tragic. G

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!