Count down to 1 Year
Monday Night Old Folks Dinners ~ The Gang ~
Its 6/11 ~ 10 days left until the 1 year mark. I can't believe its almost 1 year. It seems like yesterday I was in Arkansas, working, coming home, coming home to our home. We finally found the furniture for "Our" home. Not the condo in Ca that was mine before he came, not the cottage house of his fathers or Barbara Kay's his cousin's place we were staying before the house was ready. We had everything ordered, 2 weeks and our house would be complete.
The day after Father's Day you were gone.
It wasn't enough time. We just started "Our" life, we had so many plans, things to do and the trips we drove down back roads exploring. Why? Does anybody ever get the answer? I want it now? Yes, I'm the one who's has no patient's. We could be in line at Disneyland and Billy would say, slow down, take it easy and me, I was "Hurry, I want to get in line first" just like a kid.
I realized I was one running and alway worried about the next moment or the next day would bring and I didn't take the time to enjoy what was right in front of me. It's a hard lesson learned because I'm in the front of the line and Billy's not here....
The hurt is unbearable.
The time I spent wasted running to be 1st and not cherishing what I had at that moment. I just wanted everything to be perfect for him. Not have to wait in line, always getting the best parking spot so he wouldn't have to walk so far. Everything and anything I could do to make his physical limitations easier on him.
I would walk through fire now if I could see him, touch him or just one kiss. This pain in my heart at times is more that I can bare.
I stand on my patio looking out to nothing. Yes there are lights, noise and cars going up and down the street but I don't see them or hear them. My heart is crying. I don't want to be here.
God I hate this... I wished I died that day with him.
I know it's wrong but what do I have now? This life of emptiness, anger, heartache and the destruction of my soul. I want to say "Its not fair" but the old memory comes back "Life is not Fair" live with it. Who want to life with this? So I take a deep breathe and I can see Billy in my mind telling me ~ its not words its that look like 'WHAT"??? You can do this... I'm yelling back no I don't want to. He's says "Your strong, I know you can, you can do anything" and so I'm crying again. Of course he's making that face again like "WHAT" take control....
God this pain hurts....
My soul feels like it will not survive the 1 year mark. Body yes, spirit, soul condemned to pain so devastating it will never feel again. If I could cut myself off from the world I would. But as Billy would say, reach down and pull yourself up... That's life and you can do it. It's so hard. I will try...
1 step, 1 breath at a time