Countdown to Father's Day

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Father's will said this year. You see last year father's day was Sunday June 20th, 2010. That Monday, June 21st, 2010 would be the last day I kissed Billy good-by going to work. It was a wonderful father's day. I finally found slippers that fit his wide feet and I made cupcakes because Billy was diabetic and sugar was a no no so I figure the cupcake way would give him the celebration of Father's day and a little sweet to top it off.
That Sunday was perfect. He got a call from his daughter. There was a man so proud of a child that had finally overcome personal issues. He was so happy to talk to her and it was such a great conversation. I'm grateful that she able to speak to him not knowing it would be her last.
Now Father's day is coming and my heart is sinking to its lowest. It's like life in a rerun. I'm watching and screaming at the TV wanting to change the ending but have no control. Today I write this is 6/6/11 ~ so were looking at 15 days till the day. I originally wrote d-day, not as death but military wording. Somehow I just didn't think when wording words. I know, sometimes I don't make sense to myself.
Rebecka, or Becky as we called her, Billy daughter turns 24 this year on 6/8/11. It's a sad day for her I'm sure with her dad being gone. Sometimes we forget children also bare the pain and sorrow of losing someone. Yet, even though they had there issues there was no doubt that daughter and father loved each other. I always thought of her as my own. Stepdaughter, daughter ~ in my mind there the same.
So my memories keep bringing back to moments and days back to before time stopped for me. I'm so confused, walked on and pushed in every direction and I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I spent past Sunday with my new Nascar friends, had a great time but when I left and I walked through that door to "My Place" it was like putting a arrow into my heart deflating me down into the darkness of pain and despair. Hopelessness of a life I don't want but now forced to live in. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm coming or going. Well I know I'm going I just don't want to go forward. If I could go back in time??? What a wish that would be.....
I don't know how it happened but I have a friend from Arkansas thats coming to see me on 6/16 leaving 6/20 and another friend from California coming 6/24 leaving 6/26, Sandwiched in between is the 21st ~ the 1 year mark. Coincidence? Maybe or maybe another "Godwink" I have no idea but I'll take it. With friends and love on both side's I'd like to think and maybe there's is a little help from upstairs trying to help me get me through this difficult time. Another way god speaks to us huh? Who know's....
So for now its good-night, and like I would always tell my son when he was little,
Angels on your Pillow ~ so I'll be looking for them tonight
Always,
1 Step,1 breath at a time....