Dad and Grandma in 10 days
I had a pretty bad childhood. My mom was gone all the time and my dad was an abusive alcoholic. I didn't see my father after the age of 12 (I am 34 now). Throughout everything my grandma (my dad's mom) was my rock. She loved me unconditionally and without her I would not be here today. She was like my mom and dad rolled into one person. The best person anyone can imagine.
Over the past 2 years I had started to forge a relationship with my father. He never said sorry but he was clearly trying to make small steps to earn forgiveness. We talked online and I had always hoped to hear an "I'm sorry" one day. I had hoped to have a father one day.
I was in New Orleans in March 2013 on a work trip and was hanging out in the French Quarter after a successful presentation on Saturday March 16th. I left my cell phone in the hotel to avoid any mugging issues. When I returned to the room my phone had dozens of missed calls and text messages from my Aunt and Cousin. My father had a fatal and unexpected heart attack earlier that evening. He was 56. I didn't know how to feel or what to do. My ability to "make things right or make things okay" was gone. I could never tell him that I wanted to have a relationship and I wanted him to say he was sorry. I would never know if he loved me or if he cared about me at all.
I packed up my things from New Orleans and rented a car to drive the 8 hours to my hometown to be there. That same evening (the 16th) my grandmother was told of my father's death. She became short of breath and complained of chest pains. My cousin took her to the ER where it was determined she had a stress-induced heart attack (she was 76).
I spent the next week at my grandma's bedside in the hospital. In the early days we laughed and joked. After 2-3 days she began to not be as responsive. She cried and sobbed periodically (thinking of my father, I am sure). The doctors couldn't do much to help her. She stayed on morphine for the duration of her hospital stay. In the early hours of March 26th my grandma passed away. The stress and broken heart was too much for her.
Since March, things have been so hard that I often feel like I can't breath. I go between being angry, sad, and hopeless. I am not sure my life will ever be okay again. I feel totally alone.