by Jill
(San Diego, CA)

As a little kid, if you asked me how tall my dad was, I might have told you that he was close to the sun. We would walk together with me, wrapping my whole hand around his pointer finger. When he lay on the couch, he was the biggest, warm, cushy pillow ever. And being an only child, I did not have to share him with anyone. I look at pictures of him and I see him as the grizzly bear and I as the kitten; curled up and protected by a force perceived larger than life.

At the age of sixteen, I was left in a hospital room with his corpse. I begged him to wake up. I considered jumping out of the seventh story window. I later found out that someone came in the room and found me hiding under his hospital bed. I don't remember this.

At his funeral, I heard someone say, "He has that smirk on his face". All I could think was that I was the only one who knew "that smirk" was really where the breathing tube was when they tried to revive him.

You're so strong. You're so strong. Over and over I would hear it. A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD THAT JUST LOST HER DAD IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG!!!!! Why couldn't someone just give me permission to grieve!!!!

Twelve years later, I still am so sad. Feeling like a lost child, wandering through life, looking for their dad. Acceptance is not an option. Just please give me my dad back.

Comments for Dad

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Sep 29, 2009
Thank You
by: Christine

Tears stream from my eyes as I write this... There is someone else out there who knows exactly how I feel. My dad passed away almost 10 years ago, when I was in my very early 20s. It still cuts me to the heart to this very day. I often ask myself why it still HURTS so much; I wonder why I still cry and mourn...and although it sucks to be hurting so much, I find comfort in knowing that somehow it's ok for me to still hurt all these years later, like you... so thank you for sharing.

Apr 28, 2009
So Sad
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain....This is a club I don't want to belong to; "The people who have lost their parents" club. It's been 13 years for me and I'm still so sad, depressed. Year 12, unbelievably, was the hardest. I never cried so hard. That was the year I realized that he wasn't coming back... no matter how many times I went to church, no matter how good I was to people, no matter if I left the house and the things in it just how he left it... he wasn't coming back. IT'S OVER!!

That's it...what's left... a damn memory?!!! Are u serious? I used to get so angry when I saw people with their fathers, it's not fair!

I have healed some now, I am able to go on. But I do carry on knowing, at least I hope that this is true, it's what they teach in church... It's the only thing that keeps me sane.. knowing that I will see him again in death.

I hope I don't live a long life, I'm by no means suicidal.... but I would at the same time welcome to be with my dad again. That's the only thing I ever want. I will never marry because my dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle, I will never have kids. He can never see them, so what would be the point. I lost him at 23, I'm 37 now.

Mar 25, 2009
For you
by: Anonymous

Having lost my dad two months ago (I'm 38 years old) I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for you to experience it as a teenager. How awful to lose our "Supermen". I can't see how the hurt will ever go away. Praying for you...

Nov 16, 2008
I Understand
by: Maggie

Hey Hun,

My daughter just lost her Dad...who has always lived with us. She is 14 and considers him more her Dad then, unfortunately, her real "uninvolved" Dad.

Both she and I have been told we are "strong women" and will be okay. It is because they don't understand the loss yet. I guess our only choice is to know that and to feel for them when they do.

Believe your Dad is still with you, as I am sure he is. And believe fully in his love for you, as it still lives.

Take both those beliefs and move forward to make a life that you will be able to share again with him when you finally meet again. Those thoughts keep me going and give me encouragement in my own life.

Hang in there,

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