Daddy I'm sorry I didn't do enough!

by MJ
(Paramount, Ca)

I lost my daddy Jan 16, 2010 @ 6:55 in the morning at the age of 74, 11 days before my birthday; I was 7 months pregnant by my son. Words cannot explain or show the pain I still go through every day. I’m angry, sad & emotional. I put a brave face every day for my kids. My dad live 3 hours away, he refuses to move in with anyone of us. He was so strong and independent always willing to help anyone that needed the help. I got a call Dec 16 @ 5 in the morning from my brother saying he wasn’t feeling well. When I called my dad I could hear his voice breaking when I asked what was wrong. He just kept saying I’m fine Corazon (my heart) don’t worry it’s too far to drive. It’s never too far  I made the 3 hour drive with my brother and brought him back to see his doctor. It feels like a bad dream, he was taken from us too soon. It’s my fault he is not here, I was going through so much in my marriage that I neglected to see the mistakes done by the nurses the day he went into ICU. I could have done something and because I was so stupid to think about my problems I didn’t do anything. There is not a day that goes by I don’t think of the things I could have done different. I’m sorry daddy it was my fault you are not here. Till this day I have never told anyone this that I’m the one to blame. I haven’t been able to cry or grieve for him I cry in silence and hate myself when I do cry because it was my fault. How do I grieve? How do I tell everyone I neglected to see what was done wrong? I was daddies little girl and I have failed him.

Comments for Daddy I'm sorry I didn't do enough!

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Nov 10, 2013
My Father-How I lost him
by: Anonymous

You are so lucky to have your father till 74 years.I lost my father at the age of 57.He was too young to die.I don't know why he died.
I always ask myself this question.
He had some cardiac issues since he was 51.This is called blockage in artery.His blockage was very high in percentage.One was 90% other two were approximately 75% &70% .With all these blockage he needed an open heart surgery.Doctors suggested him to do it on an urgent basis.He was only 51 then.I was 22 and a undergraduate student in a public university.We did not have the luxury to spend 200000+ taka to spend for this operation.Taka is Bangladeshi money.He was the only earning member of the family and we didn't have any savings.

Nov 09, 2013
Dear MJ
by: Anonymous

I am sorry that you are struggling. I lost my Dad suddenly in January, and lately I have been feeling so much guilt about the day he died and think that maybe I could have helped him. He collapsed after suffering Sudden Cardiac Arrest, and in my rational mind, I know he died instantly, but there is a part of me that thinks something went wrong at the hospital. There were so many people working on him, so many tubes, machines, etc. My mother and I sat by and watched him die. Looking back we were so NUMB and in shock that we didn't really ask many questions. Many I should have. Maybe I should have watched more closely. Everything happened so incredibly fast that I didn't have time to process anything. I sat by his side and held his hand. I have so many "glimpses" back to that day where I think "That shouldn't have been done", or "Maybe the doctors didn't notice this"..."Maybe the ambulance got to him too late". I replay the time at the ER more and more frequently these days and it drives me crazy - I think about the things that the doctors said, and none of it makes sense. I feel so guilty that I didn't do more, ask more, question more, watch more closely. How could he have eaten breakfast with my mother at 8:00am and be dead a few hours later? What happened? I know deep down that this is irrational guilt and is another part of the grieving process, but I cry daily because I feel like I let him down. I was a Daddy's girl even at 47 years old, and I couldn't save him. He was ALWAYS there for me and I watched him die. I miss him so much. Please take care, and try to find some peace along the way. Barb

Nov 09, 2013
mj
by: julie reynolds

hi mj , im sorry to hear of the loss of your dad & im concerrned that you lost your 3 yrs ago & you feel like this , have you been for councilling since loosing your dad? it does help , have you good family & friends that can support you mj ? i lost my mum 8wks ago to cancer & i feel just like you , i looked after my mum , but i still wish i could have done more , im going to councilling every week to try & get rid of all my negative thoughts , i never realized it was going to be so difficult & its tough , every day i wake up its so tough , with good support though im sure we will get through this world of emotions , i know im early days yet , but theirs no time limit on bereavement & like you miss your dad i miss my mum so much , i think coming onto this site helps too ! you take care mj & try & think of the good times you spent with your dad !

Nov 09, 2013
Daddy I'm sorry I didn't do enough!
by: Doreen UK

MJ You think you are to blame because this is what grief does to us. It assaults our body and our mind. A lot of what you are feeling is normal grief. But if there are reasons you feel you are to blame then you have to process in your thinking what is reasonable guilt and what is UNREASONABLE GUILT. Then you have to find a way to FORGIVE YOURSELF, for your Human failings. We all have them and we all live with some REGRET in life. You had a lot going on at the time with your marriage that took priority. This is normal. Some things in life we cannot postpone till a later date. When we are in a painful situation whether it be a marriage difficulty etc. it is very hard to get ourselves into a happier frame of mind to take on life and what is going on with our family. I am in the same place. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 18 months ago to terminal cancer 3yrs. of this taken up with caring for him. But my mom lived far away and I couldn't get to see her as often as I wanted and she died 10yrs. ago. But I don't beat myself up with guilt about what I couldn't do. I focus on the things I did do. I am fortunate I got to care for my husband deeply throughout our 44yrs. marriage and even care exceptionally for him when he was dying with cancer. It came naturally as my mom gave me responsibility for caring for my 5 siblings since the age of 14yrs. But I do live with regrets in my life, despite doing many things right. I did do the counselling bit in my 40's and I am a Whole person now and feel different. But I nurtured myself back from grief. Do as many good things for yourself each day. This is the best pick me up. If you fell down you would get up. You can do it now. Treat yourself with the best care possible and you will start to feel better. You need to do this for YOU and those people in your life. We can ASSAUALT ourselves OR NURTURE ourselves. You choose how you want to feel. We do have a responsibility to ourselves to be as happy as is possible and help those around us that need us. WE won't always do it right, but we can get it right some of the time. Stop being hard on yourself. Also remember your father was 74yrs. Many people don't get to live that long. Be happy for the years you had with your father and realise that we are all going to face death one day and now we have a chance to prepare our loved one's for when we have to face this journey.

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