DADDY IS GONE AND ITS STILL PAINING SO SO MUCH
by NYAKANINI MATHANGANI
In the month of December 2012 my daddy H. Mathangani was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, it was so sad for the family especially my two sisters and i. we organized that dad go surgery immediately at the Hospital Kenya after Christmas. we spent Christmas with him not sure if this was going to be the last Christmas with him, we enjoyed it all through early January he was admitted waiting for surgery. He underwent surgery on 28th January 2013 and returned to theater again on 31st January after they detected a leakage. On 2nd February he died at noon. from that day i have never stopped feeling guilty, always wishing i never took him for the surgery, though i know for sure he was suffering i feel like i hurried his death. I am so mad with my self, i keep talking to myself saying oh..daddy you know i wanted the best for you , i loved you but i wish i never ever took you to that stupid hospital. today though i work near the hospital i cannot bring myself to pass anywhere i can site it. I am so so annoyed with the whole hospital and the doctors i feel they never gave daddy the best. i am annoyed with myself i never gave him the very best. i loved my daddy so so much, he was my best friend together with my sisters miriam and prisca, we used to like singing country music with him and our mother tongue kikuyu songs with him. i feel a cold chill on my right side of my head and shoulder every time i think of him yet I also worry about my sisters who are crying most of the time. we call each other every day to try talk and forget but we find ourselves talking about daddy all the time. i know he had really spoil t us despite we are grown ups, we handy went a day without talking to him, he was cool, he was the best daddy the world ever gave he taught us to be gentle to be patient to ignore things that did not add a plus to our lives, he took life with ease and we were trying much to emulate him. I am haunted by the day I saw him die i was with him when he was warm until he went cold. I visited him in the mortuary every day its driving me crazy, I cry every day I look at his photos every now and then i have some on my phone when he died i cant stop wondering how unfair the world is, i need him will always need him I feel desperate. one day at a time that's all am asking Jesus to give me I don't know how i will ever stop crying my eyes are always wet, to write and share this ave broken down several times am still crying and i the worst is that I don't want to ever stop crying unless my daddy comes back,,,, Matt i know you went to stay with God one day I will see you again but before then my world is shattered.