DADDY IS GONE AND ITS STILL PAINING SO SO MUCH

by NYAKANINI MATHANGANI
(NAIROBI,KENYA)

In the month of December 2012 my daddy H. Mathangani was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, it was so sad for the family especially my two sisters and i. we organized that dad go surgery immediately at the Hospital Kenya after Christmas. we spent Christmas with him not sure if this was going to be the last Christmas with him, we enjoyed it all through early January he was admitted waiting for surgery. He underwent surgery on 28th January 2013 and returned to theater again on 31st January after they detected a leakage. On 2nd February he died at noon. from that day i have never stopped feeling guilty, always wishing i never took him for the surgery, though i know for sure he was suffering i feel like i hurried his death. I am so mad with my self, i keep talking to myself saying oh..daddy you know i wanted the best for you , i loved you but i wish i never ever took you to that stupid hospital. today though i work near the hospital i cannot bring myself to pass anywhere i can site it. I am so so annoyed with the whole hospital and the doctors i feel they never gave daddy the best. i am annoyed with myself i never gave him the very best. i loved my daddy so so much, he was my best friend together with my sisters miriam and prisca, we used to like singing country music with him and our mother tongue kikuyu songs with him. i feel a cold chill on my right side of my head and shoulder every time i think of him yet I also worry about my sisters who are crying most of the time. we call each other every day to try talk and forget but we find ourselves talking about daddy all the time. i know he had really spoil t us despite we are grown ups, we handy went a day without talking to him, he was cool, he was the best daddy the world ever gave he taught us to be gentle to be patient to ignore things that did not add a plus to our lives, he took life with ease and we were trying much to emulate him. I am haunted by the day I saw him die i was with him when he was warm until he went cold. I visited him in the mortuary every day its driving me crazy, I cry every day I look at his photos every now and then i have some on my phone when he died i cant stop wondering how unfair the world is, i need him will always need him I feel desperate. one day at a time that's all am asking Jesus to give me I don't know how i will ever stop crying my eyes are always wet, to write and share this ave broken down several times am still crying and i the worst is that I don't want to ever stop crying unless my daddy comes back,,,, Matt i know you went to stay with God one day I will see you again but before then my world is shattered.
nyaka.

Comments for DADDY IS GONE AND ITS STILL PAINING SO SO MUCH

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Apr 03, 2013
LOST HUSBAND.
by: Lorraine

I understand your pain, I lost my husband of nearly 33 years with this same cancer, it is an horrific way to die. I watched him suffer so much. I hope you find peace somehow, my husband passed away 29th January 2013 2 days short of 33 years together. I miss him and cry everyday.

Mar 22, 2013
Daddy is gone and its still paining so so much
by: Doreen U.K.

Nyaka I am sorry for your loss of your Daddy. As old as we are we will always need our father's. But sadly they will die one day.
You are not responsible for your father dying earlier than you think. You made a decision based on the best treatment for him. Something went wrong which caused his death. You feel you want to go back and punish yourself for that decision. This is not reasonable. Your anger is part of your grief and it should go in time. We make decisions every day and some are not easy to make. When it goes wrong then guilt sets in and crushes us. This is life. If your anger and grief cause you difficulty then try going to see a grief counsellor. They are trained to deal with our loss's and you will find the pain gets less over time. I lost my husband to cancer 10 months ago and know how painful Grief is. It is a journey we have to go through. But it is a long one. One we wish would end quickly. Don't beat yourself up with all the things you wished you had said and done better. We all feel like this. Grief assaults our emotions and body. You will get through this loss with good family support.

Mar 22, 2013
your dad
by: Kate

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND THAT YOU KNOW THIS TERRIBLE PAIN F GRIEF. I lost my 39 yr old son in Nov
2012 and it is so hard to accept in fact i cant,i struggle thrugh every day. you loved your dad and did what you thought was best for him. he loved you all very much I can see by your words. just help each other as you are doing,this he would want to to do,to draw together. death is SO HARD. we love God but wen we loose someone it is so very hard to understand why. i still dont. my heart goes out to you in love and understanding.

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