by Ashleigh
(Martinsville, NJ)

It happened three weeks ago tomorrow. October 27, 2010

Since then life has been like a dream, a bad one...My parents divorced when I was young, and my dad and I never had the relationship we both wanted. He was a successful man, but very troubled and had a severe addiction to alcohol.

Throughout my childhood my dad was always too busy on vacations or with girlfriends to see or talk to me, and I always thought it was because he didn't love me. I struggled my whole life with his drinking, and when I did see him, he would drink and pass out on the floor. As I got older we both kept in touch, but not as much as we would've liked.

I saw him last February for the first time in about a year and he was so skinny, almost emaciated looking, compared to his normal self...and he was wasted...I cried to him that night that if he didn't stop drinking and whatever else he was doing, he was going to die...he just told me to relax, he wasn't gonna die...I felt heartbroken, just picturing him looking that way...then his girlfriend broke up with him and he became very depressed, on top of his addiction, and he had a bad heart...this summer i sent him a few letters begging him to get help...telling him how much i love him and need him and would die if something happened to him...bc even though we didn't see or talk to each other every day, my love for him was indescribable...he was and is my daddy and nobody could compare to him, he was so cool and funny and i admired him so much, despite his troubles.

He had finally started to tell me he loved me recently while he was sober which meant a lot...then the friday before he died, he called me and said he's been thinking about me a lot and he was trying to rebuild his business and that he wanted me to work for him...i kind of laughed it off thinking "you don't call me and then out of nowhere ask me to work for you", he said well you're the only person in the world i can trust...i said well call me sunday and we'll talk, cuz i was at work...he said ok i love you...i said i love you too...sunday he called and i missed it...i called him back crying, as i had a fight with my boyfriend, but my dad was lost driving in philadelphia and couldn't be bothered with me at that moment, he told me he didnt care bc he was lost, so i hung up on him...he called back twice to explain himself but i didn't answer or call him back...he was always so up and down and i never knew when the right time was to talk to him. so i just said that's it i'm done with him...

That wednesday i went to my mom's and she looked at me and said i have to tell you something... daddy...and i knew it right there...i was shocked at first and seemed very strong...but after a few hours i took out my pictures and started screaming and crying...i wish i hadn't hung up on him...i wish i could've helped him get better but it's like he didn't want the help...and i miss him terribly and although i didn't see him all the time, he's my daddy and i love him and i need him back

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