by Dadspearl

My grief began last August. My father-in-law became abruptly ill. Long story short, he had viral encephalitis. We spent weeks at the hospital only to have no real answers, thus moving to hospice. He improved and we returned to hospital for more testing. Still, no answers. We moved Dad into a nursing home, where he died 2 weeks later. My husband and I were with him when he passed. This was my husband's first significant death to experience.

My grandmother died in February after a 6 year battle with Alzheimer's disease. I was with her when she passed. I have always been very close to my grandparents and this death was hard, in part, to see the heartbreak of my Papa, her husband of 70 years. Her passing was drawn out over 10 grueling days and was a relief in some ways, but no less hard.

My husband had been very quiet and detached in the past months. I had chalked it up to him grieving his father. Lots of details in that, but in March he dropped the bomb on me that he didn't know if he wanted to stay married. He is, in effect, suffering a midlife crisis. He moved out in July. I felt like I would die.

My Papa passed suddenly this past Monday. We had his service yesterday. He has been my rock, my father in many ways and my very best friend in the world. I am devastated with his passing. I feel like I have lost everything. I don't care if I go on at all. I don't even know how to begin to make decisions about my life right now. I just don't even want to move right now. I have layer in bed all day. I feel like if I get out that I'm forced to deal with it.

Comments for Dadspearl

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Aug 18, 2013
Don't Give Up!
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Dadspearl,
I understand your concerns and fears. Most of us go through the same feelings as part of grief.
I felt disbelief also when so much was happening at the same time I was losing my husband. I think this happens because we can feel so overloaded we can't take on this heavy burden all at once so our minds automatically blank out some of this so that we can cope with our load. I used to think God set it up this way so we can cope.
I was numb for months. Almost frozen with grief and worried when I thawed out would I fall to pieces. Well I thawed out slowly so I felt my grief in small doses.
Don't fear to go on living worried that you won't feel your grief. Grief happens automatically. We have no control over this in much the same way we did not cause our distress. It came upon us and we are struggling to find our way out of this mess intact. This is God's way of allowing us to stay intact and not fall apart. God knows our frame. He created us with our feelings, and emotions and what we go through HURTS. One person tried to be brave about their grief and said. If Life gives us Lemons make Lemonade. Life gave me all lemons and I got tired of making lemonade. I did the counselling. Resolved a lot of my mountain of grief and now live to tell the tale so that I can encourage others that You can find your way through your sorrow one day at a time. God binds up the broken hearted. We have so many things to fear in life but I gave mine to Jesus. Cast your burdens on The Lord and He shall sustain you. It feels at the moment as if you are in a nightmare. Afraid to wake up and feel the same way as if nothing has changed. But Yet wanting the Hope that one day you will wake up and feel Differently. It will take time. But you will one day wake up and feel differently and also be stronger for the trials you have endured. For me. I couldn't do this Life thing on my own. I would have to have God in my Boat. I feel secure with God on my side. You will get through this. Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining. God will give you joy in between those dark days. Reach out to God and ask Him to pick you up and Help put you back together again and give you the strength to Live and find your way back into Life and that He will Lead you and Guide You. Then trust Him to do this. May God go with you and Bless your Life with goodness. Best wishes.

Aug 17, 2013
Numb and paralyzed
by: Dadspearl

Thank you. I am doing what I can and nothing more. I am still dealing with some disbelief and am a little nervous about how that will feel when it wears off. I am just broken hearted. I want to just lay here. I know I can't. I'm a little afraid that if I go on living life that I won't feel the grief. I am afraid of never feeling anything ever again. Numb. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I appreciate your time to comment and your encouragement. I hope I wake up one day and feel differently.

Aug 17, 2013
by: Doreen U.K.

Dadspearl, I am sorry for all the losses you have had to deal with in coping with death and your marriage. It is no wonder you feel no motivation to even get out of bed.
My husband had ENCEPHALITIS in 2005. He nearly died and had short term memory and was one of the lucky ones to survive but left with residual medical issues. Then in 2009 the worst ever news. He had MESOTHELIOMA (lung cancer caused by working with ASBESTOS and was terminal. He had a horrendous cancer journey and I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days. He died 15 months ago. I did all the usual funeral preparations which kept me busy and all the closing of bank accounts and pension etc. Then I lost my motivation to do anything. I lay on the couch for days into months and did nothing. I put food in the oven. I ate when I wanted to and slept a lot. I kept a journal and wrote letters to my husband and expressed each day what was happening in my world. I took one day at a time and things eventually started to get better each day till I was able to do one job a day, then 2 jobs. I now still find it hard to motivate myself to paint different rooms in the house. It took me 4 months to motivate myself to paint one bedroom. I finished it yesterday. Tomorrow I will hang the curtains and fit carpet. One project finished. I have loads more I will pace myself with. I work when I want to. Eat and sleep when I want to. Thank God I still have my FREEDOM.
This is how I coped. You will in time find your own way to cope. But for now don't do a thing you can't. Nothing is important than looking after YOU. I am sorry for your husband moving out and this must hurt you so much. Illness and death are the causes of family breakdowns, and I don't know why. But I hear it many times. I have lost some of my family members who have walked out of my life. IT HURTS. But I am a survivor and I am having to restructure my life if only in small ways. The loneliness and emptiness are the worst problems to deal with. It helps if you have good support from some family and friends, but this too starts to get less. Having to restructure your life is Hard. Take it slowly one day and step at a time. Make priority lists and don't be rigid. Do only what you can when you can. You don't have to work to some timetable. Give yourself time to grieve. If you are stuck with so much loss to deal with then find a good counsellor to support you. You can also reach out to God or go to Church and this will brighten your life. I have done it all the counselling, Church, God, and this is how I get through life. Counselling gave me the confidence and building blocks to live again. I did the counselling in my 40's so it is never too late to do what you need to do for yourself. I hope life does improve for you and that you are supported and comforted in your grief. Please write back if you have to as many times as you need to.

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