Dark days even when the sunshines


(Florida)

Well, soon the 7th month of my sons death will be upon us. Not a lot has changed except some things just get harder. It's easy for people to say it's time to let go or it's time to move on or that life is for the living. Either their faith is much stronger then mine or they never lost a child. Things have gone to hell in a hand basket in our family since he completed suicide. Seems like the more time that passes the more real it becomes that he is not coming back. I see happy people out & about and I envy them, that's how my life use to be. I hate it when someone asks me how are you today, I want to scream at them and ask how would you be if your child was dead but instead I put a fake smile on my face and say just fine. I know take it one day at a time but that to easier said then then done.

Comments for Dark days even when the sunshines

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Apr 15, 2011
another day...
by: Anonymous

Oh do I remember the simple question of how are you? At one point of grief I wanted to say My husband is DEAD how do you think I am doing?!!

How life goes on I do not have the absolute answers yet. Yes they would want us to go on. Yes somehow in heaven everything is answered all their questions doubts everything is apparent. But to us left on earth wondering how we go on? It is a different.

The life we knew is gone and we long for those days past. We will all find a new life after grief. Unwelcomed to be sure, we want what was but it is the 2nd part of our life.

We will never view things the same. Hopefully we will appreciate life as we never really did before. It was taken for granted, lets not continue to do that. Allow us to embrace what stands before us knowing that the very ones that left us here to survive would want only the best for us.
HH

Apr 14, 2011
It is a struggle....
by: Dakota Blues

My youngest daughter took her life 3 years ago. She seemed very 'normal' and well adjusted. Then one day....gone. We were blindsided by her suicide. We had no idea these thoughts were in her head.

I actually thought I was getting "better." I hate that word, too. "I am better without my daughter?" Stronger may be the word to use. Of course, there are things I can do today that I could not that first year...or even the second year. I can go to dinner with a good chance of no meltdown. I can go to a play with a good chance of no meltdown. I can met some friends for lunch. I can laugh at a good joke! I mostly stay home though and keep myself isolated.

The past few months have been tough as I sought to re-enter the land of the living in 2011. I find that I want to regress back to isolation more. I don't want to shop for groceries. I don't want to take the dogs for a walk. I don't want to cook or clean. I don't feel like doing anything.

I think I've come to the Depression, Reflection and Loneliness phase. I've put down all my escape tools - television and novels - and now I am alone with me. Grief is lonely. Grief is lonely even though I do not live alone. I would guess I have the Spirit-of-Grief verses Good Grief.

There are good suggestions on this site and I need to regain some sanity in my life. I can't do this alone. I think I can...but I can not. Can I get through today and make it a good day!?!

Apr 13, 2011
in the same sad club
by: Shirley

I'm at 8 months and 4 days or 246 days post death of my 23 year old son. Someone told me that it's very common to count all the days in the first year at my Compassionate Friends meeting this last Monday. I keep expecting to start feeling a little bit better but so far no go. Knowing that Mother's Day is coming up brings my anxiety level to a peak. I just want to drug myself and sleep through it. I was so happy to be a mother but I never factored in the fact that I'd have to suffer such terrible grief if I lost my child. That type of thing would NEVER happen to ME. It only happened to other people. What a fool I was. I guess all we can do is take one step at a time and trust that one day we will feel some sense of peace.
Shirley

Apr 13, 2011
I too know your pain
by: John H

It has been 2 weeks to the day my son took his own life. I truly know what your going through. You and I have a void in our lives that can never be filled. The pain is unbearable and time stands still.

People who have never lost a child will never understand how we feel the pain we have inside.
I am sure you have lots of good memories of your child and he will live in your heart forever.


Apr 13, 2011
sending my love
by: kay

I am hearing you as I sit here thinking this post of yours has come from me.I am so so sorry that you feel as bad as I do...and how many other mums feel.It seems that we stumble through each day...going to that horrible place of pain and grief so often ....I am thinking of you...sending all my love...I have just finished writing about how I am in a dark place lately,and how the sun still shines.I too look at all the happy people....makes me cry inside. What do we do? I have no answers. I wish you healing and peace of mind, we know it is a journey that is long and painful.take care xxxx

Apr 12, 2011
Sunshine In The Darkness
by: Anonymous

What a heavy load we carry when we lose someone we love. Life goes on and we just don't want to even be a part of it.
Suicide is an ugly thing that most people don't understand. I have always felt that God forgives those who commit suicide. It's so sad to think they were in so much pain they felt there was no alternative. The real pain is for the survivors. Not only do you lose somebody you love but there are always so many unanswered questions. People who have not gone through it don't have a clue.
"How are you?" How the hell do you think I am? Some people can be so ignorant. How are you? How would they be?
A good friend of mine lost his son in Iraq several years ago. He recently told me the only thing that got him through Eddie's death was a group called Compassionate Friends, a group for people who have lost children. There are also many groups for suicide survivors. There is nothing that can help you through your grief like talking to somebody who knows exactly how you feel. There are others out there who have been through the same experience and are more than willing to listen and share. That's what you need. Well meaning people asking you how you are is not helping at all. You need to connect with people who know how you are because they too have been there.
I hope you will seek this out. There is sunshine in this world. We just have to let ourselves see it.
Blessings to you.

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