Daughter Of Mary Ella
Daughter of Mary Ella
My mom (Mary Ella) passed away on September 27, 2013 at 3: 12 AM. She was 17 days away for her 86th birthday. She was so proud of the fact that she was going to turn 86 years old. This would be a milestone for her family; she was the last living member of her family. Most of my mom’s family died young from heart problems, heart disease runs in her family. She went into the hospital on Thursday 9/2613 because she felt something was off; they determined she had a mild heart attack and was going to be admitted for observation. I spoke to her when she was in her room. “Hi mom it’s Nancy, just wanted to see how your are” She said “I can’t hear you very well on this phone because of my hearing aids, don’t worry I feel fine. Just please take care of the dog” I told her not to worry about the dog I would take care of her. I got the call from my brother @ 3:30 AM that MOM passed away.
My world shattered into a billion pieces, it could not be possible for my mom to be gone. She had been in the hospital so many times and always came out, always came home, always was there. I knew somewhere deep in my head that she would not live forever, but on another level knew she would always be there. Mom was my rock, my friend, my confidant. When things went wrong mom made them better, mom made everything ok, mom made everything right again. She was there went I went through my divorce, she was there through the death of my beloved pet, she was there to help me pick out curtains, she was there for everything. Throughout our mother/daughter relationship we had our ups & downs sometimes we were like oil & water and very often had differing opinions. Sometimes we were not even on speaking terms. But she was MOM
Mom was tough, mom was stubborn, mom was strong, mom had values. She taught us values, self respect, how to respect others. She taught us independence, self reliance, how to work hard and so many other things. The only thing she could not teach us was how to live without her, how to get through everyday without her. I still can not wrap my head around the fact that she is not here. I am still going to her home everyday, taking care of her beloved dog until she goes to her new home. I suffer from guilt over the fact that I am unable to take her precious pet home to my house and make her mine.
My brothers and I have still have not started packing any of her things, she lived in a mobile home park and we must sell it. My heart is torn knowing I must pick a part my mother’s things, clothes, furniture; items she treasured must be parted with. I wish I could put her home in a bubble and keep it there forever, leave all as it is. I go there and smell her blankets, her clothes, her bath robe. I sit in her favorite chair and remember our conversations, our laughter and our tears. To make things worse, she left no will. I think she felt afraid to do it. So we are faced with doing what we think she wanted, what we think would please her. It’s a tough road to travel, but I’ll do the best I can to honor her memory. I know she loved us all the same. Since I am the only daughter out of 6 children, I think our connection was different than the mother/son connection.
My heart aches, my heart is shattered and will never be whole again. Every minute of everyday I feel sick, sad, lonely, isolated. My tears will not stop flowing there is an emptiness I feel within me that I can not explain. A physical pain in my chest, an ache that will not stop, a lump in my throat that keeps me from swallowing. I don’t want to eat, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t function as I used to. My heart is broken. I know my mom would not want me to feel this way. I know she would want me standing tall, but I can’t. I have no strength, no back bone, no energy everything on me hurts. I want to curl up into a ball and stay that way. It will be three weeks Friday 10/18/13 sense mom left me. It is still so raw, so painful, so lonely. My heart is broken and feels like it will never be healed. I want her back so badly, for another minute, for another second. It hurts to think of her. People say try to remember the good times, but when I think of her it makes me sad because she is not here.
I am Nancy; daughter of Mary Ella, whose death has broken me, whose death has shattered me, whose death I feel has forever changed my life. Now I am motherless, now I am alone.