Daughter Of Mary Ella

by Nancy
(Mass)

Daughter of Mary Ella

My mom (Mary Ella) passed away on September 27, 2013 at 3: 12 AM. She was 17 days away for her 86th birthday. She was so proud of the fact that she was going to turn 86 years old. This would be a milestone for her family; she was the last living member of her family. Most of my mom’s family died young from heart problems, heart disease runs in her family. She went into the hospital on Thursday 9/2613 because she felt something was off; they determined she had a mild heart attack and was going to be admitted for observation. I spoke to her when she was in her room. “Hi mom it’s Nancy, just wanted to see how your are” She said “I can’t hear you very well on this phone because of my hearing aids, don’t worry I feel fine. Just please take care of the dog” I told her not to worry about the dog I would take care of her. I got the call from my brother @ 3:30 AM that MOM passed away.

My world shattered into a billion pieces, it could not be possible for my mom to be gone. She had been in the hospital so many times and always came out, always came home, always was there. I knew somewhere deep in my head that she would not live forever, but on another level knew she would always be there. Mom was my rock, my friend, my confidant. When things went wrong mom made them better, mom made everything ok, mom made everything right again. She was there went I went through my divorce, she was there through the death of my beloved pet, she was there to help me pick out curtains, she was there for everything. Throughout our mother/daughter relationship we had our ups & downs sometimes we were like oil & water and very often had differing opinions. Sometimes we were not even on speaking terms. But she was MOM

Mom was tough, mom was stubborn, mom was strong, mom had values. She taught us values, self respect, how to respect others. She taught us independence, self reliance, how to work hard and so many other things. The only thing she could not teach us was how to live without her, how to get through everyday without her. I still can not wrap my head around the fact that she is not here. I am still going to her home everyday, taking care of her beloved dog until she goes to her new home. I suffer from guilt over the fact that I am unable to take her precious pet home to my house and make her mine.

My brothers and I have still have not started packing any of her things, she lived in a mobile home park and we must sell it. My heart is torn knowing I must pick a part my mother’s things, clothes, furniture; items she treasured must be parted with. I wish I could put her home in a bubble and keep it there forever, leave all as it is. I go there and smell her blankets, her clothes, her bath robe. I sit in her favorite chair and remember our conversations, our laughter and our tears. To make things worse, she left no will. I think she felt afraid to do it. So we are faced with doing what we think she wanted, what we think would please her. It’s a tough road to travel, but I’ll do the best I can to honor her memory. I know she loved us all the same. Since I am the only daughter out of 6 children, I think our connection was different than the mother/son connection.

My heart aches, my heart is shattered and will never be whole again. Every minute of everyday I feel sick, sad, lonely, isolated. My tears will not stop flowing there is an emptiness I feel within me that I can not explain. A physical pain in my chest, an ache that will not stop, a lump in my throat that keeps me from swallowing. I don’t want to eat, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t function as I used to. My heart is broken. I know my mom would not want me to feel this way. I know she would want me standing tall, but I can’t. I have no strength, no back bone, no energy everything on me hurts. I want to curl up into a ball and stay that way. It will be three weeks Friday 10/18/13 sense mom left me. It is still so raw, so painful, so lonely. My heart is broken and feels like it will never be healed. I want her back so badly, for another minute, for another second. It hurts to think of her. People say try to remember the good times, but when I think of her it makes me sad because she is not here.

I am Nancy; daughter of Mary Ella, whose death has broken me, whose death has shattered me, whose death I feel has forever changed my life. Now I am motherless, now I am alone.

Comments for Daughter Of Mary Ella

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Dec 26, 2013
Daughter of Mary Ella
by: therese

I understand how you feel having lost my 82 year old mum this year.Just like your mum she had numerous hospital stays and always came home. I expected it to be the same last July however like your mother she passed away within hours of being admitted to hospital.I am like you heartbroken and full of grief and regrets. I am feeling so sad, have no interest in life or what is going on around me.Most of my friends have not lost their parents and find it difficult to understand why I would grieve an ill 82 year old so much. I can relate to everything you say.my only advice is to take things day by day and to tell people you are grieving and upset, most people are kind and will understand even if they don't know what to say to you?Take care, my thoughts are with you.

Oct 24, 2013
Feeling Your Pain
by: Daughter of Joan

I lost my mom on the same day (9/27/13) and at roughly the same time (around 2:30am) as your mom. My moms death was sudden as well - she had an aortic aneurysm that ruptured, so her passing was quick. I know your pain and I'm suffering with you - you are not alone. I take things minute by minute, day by day - I cannot think too far ahead or I become overwhelmed & begin to panic. My mom was 76 yrs old - she and my dad have been married for 48 yrs. I am 44 and cannot imagine a life without her - I still cannot believe she is gone - it doesn't seem real. I have had dreams of her & she has told me it will be ok, so I do feel comfort in that. Tomorrow is 4 wks and I feel almost numb - like I'm walking in a tunnel with noise all around me but I don't see anything. I am the only daughter of four so I can relate immensely with how you described your relationship with your mom. I can tell you that we feel this pain because of the intense love & joy our mothers gave us - and for that, I wouldn't trade a moment of this pain. I wish she was here but am also so very grateful to have had her for the 44 yrs of my life. I just try to keep reminding myself that there are never losses, only blessings and we were blessed to have had such amazing women as our mothers. Xoxo

Oct 19, 2013
Dear Nancy
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to read about your mother. I lost my father in January. He died suddenly, and I am still in shock. I know he wasn't going to live forever, but I still can't believe that he is gone. My whole world has shattered, I think about him all of the time, and still cry almost every day. He and I were very close. He was the one I turned to for everything. All I can tell you is try and take your time as you begin to heal....one day at a time. My mother and I have not yet gone through his things. We aren't ready. I hope you come to this website and visit. You will find much support here. Peace, Barb

Oct 18, 2013
It will get better
by: Doreen UK

Being a funeral director you will have seen death from a distance, but when it visits you then the pain is so real like nothing you will have experienced. I like the Ministry of Joel Osteen very much. He is so full of encouragement. But I take exception to his statement of "Having a pity party" PITY should not be even used in the context of grief. Many people will fail to grieve because they don't want to have a "Pity Party". Cry as much as you need to because this is where your healing comes from. Even Jesus wept. Jesus grieved when Lazarus died. Jesus would never have told Martha and Mary not to weep. Give yourself permission to cry as much as you need to. The Bible tells us to Sorrow. But not to sorrow as those who have no HOPE. One day our tears will stop. No one forces themselves to cry this happens automatically from pain deep within our hearts and emotions, from the loss of a loved one. This needs to be expressed otherwise many will REPRESS their tears and end up with more deeper serious emotional problems down the line which may need counselling. Some people have complications to grief and may cry longer than some people. Just don't feel guilty if your grief lasts longer than another person. WE each have different life experiences with the person that died. We each have different personalities. Just learn to be TENDER with yourself, NURTURING yourself by treating yourself extra special at this time of loss. You will find a good healing from doing this. I wish everyone God's most tender comfort and peace at this time of Loss and grief.

Oct 17, 2013
It will get better
by: Debbie

Losing a family member is the worse feeling in the world. I have been a funeral director for 28 years and since my husband passed in May 24, 2011, my step-dad, July 15, 2012, and my mom, from lung cancer Nov. 17, 2012, I look at all the families I have taken care of and they get through it and so I had to think, I could too even though I couldnt imagine ever functioning again. I have a 12 year old & an 8 year old so I am forced to function even though it wasnt easy. I have leaned on the Lord more now than ever and try to say out loud his promises to us. The we will be given mercy for our losses. Joel Osteen says, dont feel bad for them, they have the glory of Heaven & wouldnt want to come back, but go ahead and have a pity party because "Joy will come in the morning" You have to fake it to make it so I smile through the pain. I am stronger now but still cry and have pity parties but am looking forward to the return of the Lord! I dont want to leave my babies and I cry so much when they worry that I will die too. We are put here for such a short time. We all will join the Lord if you believe and be together again. Just take one day at a time and usually one minute at a time or one second at a time. The devil will try to make you feel awful with the woulda shoulda coulda but dont let that damn devil do that. Turn your mind to positive when the devil tries that. You have me & we will get through this together.

Oct 17, 2013
Daughter of Mary Ellla
by: Doreen UK

Nancy I am sorry for your loss of your mom. It matters not how old they are we do want them to live forever.
It is early days and the raw grief you feel is one of the worst feelings to go through. Thank God it passes with each day we start to get stronger. But when you feel this way it does feel as if it will last forever and we will never recover. This is a feeling of quiet desperation. A feeling that I never want to go through again after losing my husband to cancer 17 months ago. Grief is hard and long. But one gets through it only by taking ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I took to the couch for 6 months and did nothing. Days the grief assaulted my body and I was in such pain physically and emotionally. I then started doing a little each day and some days I couldn't do it so went back to the couch. TV was a great diversion but also a comfort. Crying often is the best grief because it starts to make one feel better and stronger and able to cope. But the loss is still hard. I became a strong mother like my mother was so I worry for my 3 Adult children facing the same sorrow when I go. I try to prepare my daughter for when I die but she doesn't want to hear this and I can understand. So I must put a book together with all the information in she needs to know so she won't wonder what to do. The book will be a comfort to her. There is no easy way to prepare for death. Because my husband had terminal cancer, that was when we prepared a Will. Thank God we did because we had so many issues come up and so this Will is what I referred to. my in-laws gave problems about burial. But I was given the rights and still managed to honour them even though they didn't like the fact they didn't have total control. I Did. I had problems with my eldest son through his wife wanting to know what he was getting etc. So many problems are thrown up. I have made my Will now for my children's benefit. But the laws when one has property are so complex. due to the inheritance tax laws. Life is complicated but so is DEATH. Thank God I got through the worst of it. I didn't have to go through Probate due to the house not being of a value to warrant this. If you have supportive siblings it makes such a difference having this support. The more one owns more the reason to make a Will, otherwise it complicates things for those left behind.
I wish you better days ahead ONE DAY AT A TIME!!.

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