Davey Dee

by Davey

I am a married man who had a 10 year affair with a beautiful lady 20 years my junior.
For the sake of my family and to stop any heartache for my children i tried to break the relationship off 4 time in the last three years and finally at Christmas i said i could not carry on with the deceit.
She was absolutely heartbroken and i know she had to have medication and up to 6 weeks ago was still pleading with me to re think my decision.
I loved this lady very much and thought times of leaving my wife, who is also a beautiful brilliant lady who does not deserve this disloyalty. Each time i thought of this the heartache to the rest of my family stopped me doing this.
My lover told me last week she has met someone she can once again be intimate with and now im absolutely heartbroken.
Is this me being totally selfish as i have looked back at my letters telling my lover that i had to end the relationship and i know i broke her heart also.
Is this payback time, am i totally selfish, im being sick, angry and full of jealousy with the thought of her laying next to and touching someone else.

Should i keep in touch, as she would like me too, or should i end all contact.
Im 49 and should know better but i love my wife my children and i know i still love my lover.

Any advice taken Davey

Comments for Davey Dee

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Mar 25, 2013
Being Alone
by: Anonymous

Cheers Davey
A lot of your advice makes sense it's just the carrying out of it is so hard. The term ' moving on' makes me feel physically sick whenever I hear or read it. I find it so difficult. My wife is a wonderful woman who does nothing wrong toe, she deserves better than moping around continually depressed. I just can't get this other woman out of my head. I find it so hard to believe that the first person she goes out with after 8 years with me is suddenly the love of her life. I just can't seem to move on I know I have to. I've just got to realize that I brought this on to myself and now I'm paying the price. Think the only difference between us is that you ended it which woulda me it easier to get her back. Ours was mutual but it had happened several times before so I didn't envisage this time it would be for real.
Thanks for your time good luck

Mar 25, 2013
Being alone
by: Davey

Your feelings are exactly the same as mine but just picture yourself alone, really alone because if you break away from your wife this is what will happen.
My wife is unaware that anything is wrong even though we have no physical side to our relationship.

If you break from your wife you will have no one, no wife, no lover, no family and you will loose everything you have worked hard for.

If your ex was alone and sitting pining for you i would say grasp the nettle and go for it but our situation is exactly the same as they have moved on.
If you are to be together, then you will be together but only if she comes back to you.

You must never tell your wife. Not for your sake, but for her sake. It would break her heart and she does not deserve it, however awful you feel she may be at times she does not deserve any hurt as i would imagine she has been very supportive of you during your marriage.

What you can do is sit down with her and talk about how you would like to change a few things and about how you feel,without hurting her feelings. it may help it may not but its worth a try.

I know how desperate you will be feeling and i can sympathise with the way you are feeling.
Good days, bad days, you will have them all but if your lover has moved on then you must move on also.

Do not fall into the trap of looking for another lover to replace the ex as it just would not work.
Try to focus on your family and not what might have been because we both had the chance, didnt have the **lls to leave when we should have and we now have to be strong and deal with our decision.

Hope i have helped, keep in touch.

Mar 23, 2013
Reply to davey
by: Anonymous

Thanks for the advice some if it did help. Just a few questions. Are you still with your wife? Does she know? Did you think of leaving?
I am on the verge of just leaving because I feel so unhappy and it's not fair on my wife. I don't want to tell her as that would hurt her more. The thought of living alone is terrifying but more appealing than the way I feel now
My ex tells me she has moved on, is in a new relationship and is really happy. This cuts like a knife as I believe her I just don't know how she could have changed so quickly.
100% I would give up everything for her in a heartbeat now. I am so frustrated because I could have had it all and yet I didn't have the courage I have now to do anything about it. I do try to keep in contact but she seems reluctant and tells me I'm only making it hard for and hurting myself, hence I always feel like I'm imposing on her
I hate the feeling that I can't be happy without her because that makes me feel full of despair, b

Mar 11, 2013
Time is a healer
by: Anonymous

They say time is a healer....thats bull as its not time its just that over time you get used to living with the hurt.
It does get easier and here are a few tips that i used that helped me.
1. Throw yourself into a fitness or exercise regime, it really helps and makes you feel a lot better. if you can early mornings are the best.
2. Remember that things are 10 times worse after a beer so if you have had a beer the night before remind yourself the morning after that thats why you feel a little more depressed.
3. Look at all the websites, it does help to see what others are feeling.
4.If you can, keep in touch with your ex, dont be a crutch but just tell her that you understand but come what may you will be there for her. You must mean that though and don't let it be an empty promise.
5.If you really love her ask yourself that if she came running through the door would you drop everything and i mean everything, money, house, home, kids....everything for her. If you have to think about it the harsh fact is that you probably never would have.
6. Was it love or lust? chances are it was mainly due to the great uncluttered, physical sex you had which you miss the most and now crave. Once again remember that this would not have lasted once you brought all your baggage to the table.
7. Probably the most important thing to remember is that even though she may be with someone else and you think she is having the time of your life she will not be. She will be thinking of you and everything will not be rosy in the garden. Again support is something you can offer but dont expect to her to jump back into your arms. If your serious about getting her back you have to be patient.

I hope this helps and i will help in anyway i can. Use the word "Blank" whenever things are tough and you drift into thoughts about her or situations you think she may be in at the moment.
I'm i over it yet after 12 months, no not at all, but i am living with it and moving on the best way possible by using the little things mentioned above.
Cheers Davey.

Mar 09, 2013
Still heartbroken
by: Anonymous

How can you go 2/3 weeks were you think your through it and then the pain comes flooding back stronger than before. Everything reminds you of her and the life you have missed out on. Bottom line is when you feel like this you know you will never get over her!

Jan 28, 2013
by: Anonymous

im here still and i will reply tomorrow.
Lots to tell with lots of advice that may help.


Jan 24, 2013
Question for davey dee
by: Anonymous

Dave don't know if you still use this site but I hope you have worked through it and come out the other side. They say time heals, well I wish it would kick in because for me because the pain is still so real. I saw my other woman the other day and the conversation was so formal and matter of fact, that it broke my heart. How do you go from 8 years of being so intimate and speaking everyday about everything - to being like a couple of strangers at a bus stop. However even now I can't dislike her, even though she treats me with indifference, I can't stop thinking about her. I was a bit blasé when we were together possibly thinking it would never end. Now it has turned full circle and the woman who would have done anything for me or to see me now doesn't want to know me.
How do I forget her?

Jan 22, 2013
Same situation
by: Anonymous

Oh my word I thought that my situation was unique but I am going through exactly the same situation and the hurt and depression is crippling me. The only difference is she finally ended it after 8 years and lots of times talking about we should finish but never doing it. I know nothing of her new man but the thought makes me feel physically sick.Your situation mirrors mine uncannily even down to the pro sports and age and I am still with my wife who knows nothing about it. It is easy to be critical but I'm sure you didn't want to hurt anyone, like me I guess it just happened. I am 4 1/2 months down the road and still cry most days, have you come through it?

Apr 03, 2012
More advice
by: Davey dee

Hi its Davey,
its been three weeks since first writing and thanks for the comments.
Im still struggling to come to terms with the end of my affair which is worrying me as i have had terrible thoughts of leaving my family which i know is just so wrong.
I have been in touch with my lover and i wondering whether my heartbreak is just a lust thing or whether i now realize that over the last ten years i have been fooling myself in my marriage.

The major problem is that i cannot share my grief with anyone else apart from my mistress who still keeps in touch although she is with someone else.

This was my decision to break for the sake of my family but the way im feeling, acting like a teenager is almost unbearable.
Im not a soft person but this is tearing me apart and im unhappy in every aspect of my life and struggling to see a future.

Please help with advice however straight and honest you feel you need to be.

Thanks, Davey.

Mar 19, 2012
by: Anonymous

Judith, thanks for your reply i honestly do respect your views and appreciate your thoughts.
You are absolutely correct in what you say and i have to stop being so selfish thinking about everyone else apart from my wife.

Trust me when i say im working constantly on becoming a better person and trying to right some wrongs to the woman who has truly supported me and my boys.

Im rather ashamed of myself for being such a wimp but once again i really really appreciate your reply and thank you for taking the time to do so.

Regards, Davey dee

Mar 18, 2012
You have your answere
by: Judith in California

Dave, you have your answeres right here in front of you. You just don't want them to come so harshly. Yes, you were looking for sympathy and you got it from "man up". Now you're getting the truth from the rest of us.

One day you will see the most important person < other than your wife> that you let down is yourself because you thought you'd never do such a thing to someone who loved you very much and had your children and who has stood by your side. Marriage is not supposed to be a constant romp in the hay. Life happens and It becomes predictable and comfortable and you should find that the most wonderful thing.

Go and sin no more. and don't hurt the very person who will be there for you no matter what. If that's not an exciting thought then get a divorce and let your wife find a man who will truly love and respect her.

Mar 18, 2012
by: Anonymous

Davey, the truth of this matter is just like the truth of so many people spoken to in the Bible. GO and sin no more. The relationship you got involved with is not right. You make a covenant before God to your wife and all the other people that were in the church at the time of your wedding. You have created a soul tie with someone who is not your wife. It would destroy your children and wife, if you really love them do just what Jesus told the woman caught in adultery and the man at the pool of Bethesda, GO and sin no more.
Will it hurt, yes! But I can say, when you look back you will wonder where your brain was through the whole thing! You will see how you fell into something a pit not of God.
I'll pray for you! Following the high road is not the easy way. Davey, follow the high road and sin no more!

Mar 17, 2012
You're not doing your wife a favor by continuing to lie to her
by: Anonymous

What no one has mentioned is that your wife has lived a lie for the past 10 years. She could have been with a man who loved only her. Instead she had a man who lied to her and loved someone else. And she had no say or choice in the matter.

You really should tell your wife the truth and let her make a choice as to how she wants to live the rest of her life. Maybe she wants a chance at love.

If you had truly loved your girlfriend you would have left your wife. It does your wife no good to be with a man who cheats on her.

Mar 17, 2012
by: Davey dee

I'm not asking for forgiveness just answers from some understanding people.
I have never said that what i have done is rightful and justified and im ashamed of the deceit and dishonesty i have shown to my beautiful wife and family.
I will have to live with this deceit and i do aim to right the wrongs with my family.
I'm not a massive religious person, but i have been brought up in a religious family, but i can understand your disgust at my actions and i am really trying to become a decent and honorable person.
As for grief, that can be showed in many forms and having lost my best friend and my father within the space of a month recently i am well versed in "true grief" and not just an adulterers drivel.
It really amazes me how people can quote the lord at will when it suits them to judge people in something they obviously neither know or care about.
I'm human with failings which im trying to correct and hurting a little and needed advice. My forgiveness will be given over time and not by one of Gods do-gooder disciples on this earth.
"He who hath no sin cast the first stone"
Davey dee.

Mar 16, 2012
by: Anonymous




Mar 16, 2012
man up
by: davey dee

Wow you wouldn't believe how helpful this has been and also how selfish I have been wallowing in my own self pity as I could have easily lost everything inc my family.
I really appreciate it as I can't talk to anyone about this as I haven't confided with anyone else. You sound like someone I would definitely share a beer with.
I'm an ex pro sportsman and keeping all this to myself away from everyone has been tough, but as you say, man up and be grateful for still having my family.
Ine thing us that my ex lover wants to keep in touch and I'm almost tempted but I think inside its only a sexual thing as our sexual chemistry was fantastic which I believe is my biggest gut wrencher at the moment knowing someone else is with her?
I must point out that she is a one man woman and desperately wanted me to leave my family but my final choice was not to do this.
Should I stay in touch, or kick her into touch?
Really appreciate your comments.
Davy dee.

Mar 16, 2012
Moral Obligation To your Wife and Family
by: Judith in California

I am appalled at Annonymous's reply. You are a married man who said he vowed to love, honor and cherish your wife till death do you part . You had no businiess Cheating her out of your love for a minute. It's your wife you should feel quilty about not your stupid girlfriend.

You don't solve problems within a marriage by going outside the marriage. you risked all you had for a piece of ass. Don't make it out for more than what it was. Any woman who helps you cheat is not a good woman. She would have let you break up your home and break your childrens hearts and not thought a second about it.

You on the other hand would have ended up with her and ended up cheating on her too and she you. Lives built from Cheating never last. If they do it to you they will do it with you.

Get your head out and get yourself to a Therapist to work on whats left of your marriage to make it strong and unbreakable.

You're old enough to have some self control and not do something just because it makes you feel good at the moment. You get ahold of yourself and do what's right by your wife and family.

There are those of us who saw our mates through for 30 or more years and they have died and they had the love of a good woman to see them through it til the end. Will you deserve that kind of devotion?

Mar 16, 2012
Man up, brother.
by: Anonymous

Ok, so you've had it pretty good up to now. Great family, and a great woman on the side. It's more than most guys can expect, and it's not like you're left with nothing.

Time for a life change. Congradulate the woman you had on the side, and let her go. Then go find yourself a hobby. You'll have the time.

But for petes sake, don't be all sad for your self. Better guys have suffered worse calamities. If I was your best friend, I'd tell you to quit being such a pxxxy, get your fishing pole and be ready at 5am tomorrow for a day of lakeside drinking and talking about the piece of ass that got away.

But she means more to you than that you say? Tough shit. She's gone. Even if she did mean that much, you tell yourself she didn't. You tell your friend she didn't. He'll know you're lying, but that's part of the dance. He let's you lie to him and to yourself, and you get over it and move on. You've got a great family that could use some of that extra energy you'll have now.

You had it good, and if anything you should be proud. Hell, I'm a bit envious of you. But don't ruin it with a bad ending. Wrap it up, you've got a lot more life to live.

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